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InshaAllahu ta'ala, the subject that I will be speaking about today and I ask Allah SWT gives me the strength and the ability to go through it accordingly. And that is how do you deal with people? How to deal with people is a very broad topic. So I wanted to focus on one main thing I realized over the years that there needs a lot of focus on and also if a person masters this one thing they can revolutionize their interaction and their dealings with others.
And that is the concept of communication. When you talk to people, if your communication skills is good you can get your point across and you can succeed in leaving a good taste in people's minds. You get your point across, you say what you think, you say what you want and you can leave that session or that gathering or that discussion where you haven't made that person feel bad.
And there are points inshaAllahu ta'ala I'm going to mention. We're going to go through each point, we're going to discuss it and inshaAllahu ta'ala as I want is that I want these things to be interactions. So we'll talk, we'll discuss it inshaAllahu ta'ala as this is points that require your interaction.
So number one, point number one. So everyone has to write it. If you've got a phone, a mobile phone, write on your phone.
If you've got a pen and paper, even better, write it. If you've got a book, write it inshaAllahu ta'ala. If you're watching on YouTube, it's your opportunity to write it inshaAllahu ta'ala.
These are some of the mistakes that people do when it comes to communication. Because they do these mistakes, what happens is my brothers and sisters, they don't get what they want. Or and it's not always the aim and the objective isn't to get what you want but they don't get their point across.
So what happens is the person who's listening to you on the receiving end is disappointed with you. It could be your wife, these communications that you're having with. It could be your parents.
It could be your siblings. It could be any, it could be, you could be the masjid, you're the imam of the masjid, you want to communicate with the congregation. All of these things are needed.
Number one, the first mistake people fall into when it comes to communication is speaking too much. If you talk too much and there's no benefit in what you're saying, it's a problem. Talking too, too much, that kind of talking is basically when it's taqalluf, you're forcing it, it's not natural, it has no benefit in it.
There are people who are like that. And the Prophet ﷺ, he said in the hadith, The most beloved people to me and they are the closest to me is those who have the best of manners. The people that the Prophet ﷺ has said they're the most beloved people to me, they're the most closest people to me are who? Those who have the best characteristics and manners.
And the most hated people to me is, and the furthest from me is those people who have the worst manners. And look what then the Prophet he said, What's a tharthar? A tharthar is the one who talks too much when there is no benefit in it. So who's talking? In a conversation, he's the one who wants to be the center of that conversation.
The wife wants to say a word, the brother is just talking, talking, talking, she's like, can I just say a word? He's talking again, he carries on. Or the sister keeps talking, talking, talking, talking, and the brother can't get a word in. So if you have this trait of talking too much, and like you love to hear your own voice, it's a problem.
It's a mushkila. Being quiet and listening is an amazing trait. You learn a lot.
And that's why some of the scholars they say you have one mouth and two ears. In order to what? Listen more and talk less. And guess what brothers, you regret more if you speak a lot.
Then you will regret if you were silent. Do you agree with that? Yeah, you say, I shouldn't have said that man. Agreed? So in any communication, avoid talking too much.
With the Gen Z's, am I allowed to pick on you guys? Can I pick on you guys, Gen Z's? You guys all right with it, yeah? Yeah? Not taking this personal? Because part of today's communication is not to attack each other. So Gen Z's like to give too much information. So for example, a Gen Z, if you ask what's your name, they'll say to you, my dad calls me Ahmed.
So what does your mom call you then? It creates another question. You have two names, you have three names. Speaking too much is not good.
Are we all together brothers? Number two. Number two is hugging and taking the conversation. The first one you talk too much is kind of an extension of that first one.
Someone who, he talks too much, but he does give people opportunities. There's those type of people, right? He talks too much and he gives people opportunities to talk. Then he carries on talking.
And when the person wants to talk, he lets them talk. That was the first one. The second one is, he talks too much and he just doesn't give anybody opportunities to talk.
He just wants to be the one to talk. And he just somehow loves to hear his own voice. Loves it, enjoys it.
And sometimes people do that in gatherings where they're not fit to do that, right? Or in circles or in, for example, somebody will come to a shaykh. I'll see a brother, a young brother telling a shaykh, Well, I, shaykh, yeah, we need to fear Allah. You know, shaykh? And I came across this hadith, shaykh.
Maybe you've heard of it, but shaykh, this, what? Just let the shaykh talk. Let's all listen to the shaykh. Right? We all together.
So, some people just, they just love talking. And some situations you find that the person wouldn't give the other person any opportunity. This is the second one.
No opportunity. Number three. The second thing that destroys communication, brothers, is Talking about yourself.
Talking about yourself in a respectful way. Boasting and bragging about yourself, your achievements. So, you're talking to your spouse, for example, or you're talking to your friends, or you're talking to someone and guess what you say to them? Yeah, brother, do you know my achievements? I'm not like that.
I never do that. And all of that. And it just goes on.
We all tend to fall into this one, right? The minute you do that, you shut down the other person. Because what's in there? No izdira. No izdira means what? It's a form of belittling in there.
It means I am higher and then you are what? You are lower. Don't praise yourself. Allah Ta'ala says in the Quran, فَلَا تُزَكُّوا أَنفُسَكُمْ هُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِمَنِ اتَّقَى Do not what? Don't praise yourselves.
فَلَا تُزَكُّوا أَنفُسَكُمْ Don't praise yourselves. Allah knows who is the most honorable one. Are we all together, brothers? Especially, especially a brother.
Don't. As a brother, don't. It just doesn't fit you as a brother to praise yourself.
So, when you talk about a matter, make it a third person. Or bring yourself into the mistake as well. Rather than make yourself a pedestal.
Say, look, me, I am not like that. And that really is, it's so bad on so many different levels. Not even just for the sake of the communication, but even as a person, you shouldn't see yourself like that.
Should you? As a Muslim who believes in Allah and the Day of Judgment, the mindset that you have is, لَوْ عَلِمُوا قُبْحَ سَرِيرَتِي If the people were to know the evil in me, لَا بَسَّلَامَ عَلَيَّ مَن يَلْقَانِي The one who meets me would refuse to give me salams because of the evil that's within me. Does that make sense? That's how a believer looks at himself. He doesn't, I am, I, I. So, a conversation will end the minute you start speaking high of yourself, or you start boasting and bragging.
Do you guys agree with these three points so far? Yeah? Does it make sense like him? Brothers, does it make sense? Okay, number four now. Number four is, there are people whose tongues are open. They have open mouth, meaning not physically the mouth is open, but their tongue is kind of loose.
Okay? And so they don't look at what this word and this speech is going to lead to. And by the way brothers, Wallahi these points, trust me, I'm the first person it applies to. So, this is me working on myself and my relationship with my loved ones and those around me.
So, I'm just, as they say, thinking out loud. Sharing with you guys, so that you can benefit from this. Like I also, Inshallah Ta'ala, need to benefit from it as well.
So, Gen Z's don't worry, I'm not coming for you guys. Okay? The fourth one is, Al-Ghafla Amma Ghabbati Al-Kalam. The person is heedless when it comes to the outcome of his speech.
He doesn't care what the speech is going to lead to. And I ask you guys a question. If you intended, this goes to the brothers and the sisters, if what you intended was for this person to change, you wanted this person to change, you wanted this person to rectify something, you felt like in this communication, you wanted to get a point across, why do you take the harshest, the most dim-witted, the most uncalled for steps? What do you want? Your child's not listening to you, he's not doing good, okay? So, why are you going to take that path you know is not going to work? Meaning the child is not going to listen.
Does that make sense? Why do you do that? Or you take a step where you know this is going to hurt the person, it's going to destroy the person. As a believer, we don't look at what we say only, but we look at the effects that it will have on the other person. So, some people, they don't look at the words and what it leads to.
وَلِذَلِكَ عَلِيْبْنَا بِالطَّالِبِ Look what he said, write this down. He said, اللِسَانُ مِعْيَارٌ The tongue is a scale. The tongue is not just a scale, but it's also, it scoops the brain of the smart person and it also scoops the brain of the dim-witted one.
The tongue is just a reflection of the person's brain. يعني for me to know what's behind this mouth and the head is through the tongue. صح؟ So, when you speak like that, you don't care what you're saying, you don't care what you're saying to this person.
It's just a reflection of the type of person you are when it comes to thinking. Number five, brothers. Which is kind of attached to the previous point, but it's more broader.
Which is, not taking into consideration people's feelings when you talk. So, this is, before I even say something, I need to know the people's feelings should be taken into consideration. And, brothers, as men, we do, a lot of us, what do we do? Yeah? A lot of us brothers, mashallah, we, especially when we interact with our sisters, for example, or when we're interacting with our wives, for example, we, the feeling side sometimes, we don't use that, we don't deploy it.
Are we all together? What do we deploy? Just the words, the arrows. Do you understand? And a woman, a sister, or a wife, the minute you interact with her emotions and you say, expand on that, I didn't understand, what did you mean? I see where you're coming from. I didn't see like that, I apologize if that's what it made you feel like.
How do you think that I can change from this particular point? Can you help me here, inshallah? Ooh. Your marriage is gonna prosper. Is that not true? Marriage is gonna prosper.
Number two, what's gonna prosper? Your relationship. Your children, they're gonna have a mother who's healthy, she's not stressed, she's not upset, she's gonna take good care of those children for you. Does that make sense? So, and by the way, this is an Islamic practice.
يعني مراعاة المشاعر taken into people's feelings is vital. Are we all together, brothers? And when you speak to certain people, you have to deploy emotions, صح؟ You can't, brothers, go toe to toe with your wife. That's not a masculine thing, man.
If you see a man going arguing with his wife, huh? We're all together, brothers. That's not how things work. If you feel like your spouse has stepped out of line, I'll give you guys an insight of what you can say.
And it works perfectly. You could say easily when something you don't approve of, something unpleasant was said to you, you can just say, I would never have said the same thing to you. I would never have said the what? The same thing to you.
You're getting your point across and touching the emotions of the person and informing them that I wouldn't disrespect you the way that you have now disrespected me in what you've said. So brothers, same with the sisters. Same with the sisters, not just the brothers.
Some of the sisters don't care what comes out of their mouth towards their brothers, towards their spouses and their partners and their parents and et cetera. Same thing, brothers. The words just come out and they come out and they come out and there's no consideration.
So men generally love to be respected. So if the woman doesn't respect the man, this gets the man very agitated and annoyed and upset. There's a level, woman has to respect the husband.
So watching, the sister watching, you're upset, you're annoyed with something he did. But if you want to get your point across, make sure that you observe the other person's feelings whilst you're getting your point across. Communication, my brothers and sisters, you have to look at other people's emotions.
Are we all together? This idea of, I said it, I said it the way it was. That's just, it's not a good thing. I tell people in their faces.
I say it as it is. Let the one like it who likes it. That's not a good thing.
Was the Prophet like that? Was Rasulullah like that? No. Number six. This is a point I think Gen Z's taught me this one so much.
And I think I looked into it, I pointed over it, and I said, you know what? I agree with you Gen Z's. You guys are right in this one point. That is don't generalize the criticism.
Do not generalize, which is the next point. Point number six. Don't generalize criticism.
Don't say to this person, I've never seen you. You see this is a generalization now. You're not now going to get the best out of this person.
You're going to shut them off. They're going to go into a mode where like, you know what? I'm like this, I can't change. That's it.
And plus who told you that? Every situation. Do you remember every situation? Everyone's like this. These kind of statements are general.
These sweeping statements, avoid it. Gen Z's you guys, you don't like that, right? And it's not good actually. Generalizing criticism is not praiseworthy.
If you want to get a point across, just stick to that particular point. Just stick to that particular point. And mention that issue rather than going to what? Rather than going to generalization.
And sisters sometimes saying, you're always like this. You're never going to change. You've never changed.
These are what? Ta'ameem. Sah? So these kind of statements, leave it off. Number seven.
Asking too many questions so that you can catch the person out. You ask them too many questions, like okay, but let me ask you another question. What would you do in that situation? Yeah, okay.
What about this situation? You keep asking, you keep going until you find the person contradicting themselves and that does not make sense. Who thinks they fall into this one? Honesty is the best policy, right? So put your hand up if you feel that sometimes you ask questions and your aim in that discussion that you're having is to find contradiction in the person's statement. Put your hand up if you do that sometimes in conversations.
Come on now. Put your hand up, a lot of you guys. No? If you don't, a lot of learning.
No. Questions are for learning. Questions are for what? Learning.
To understand the person's mind and what they're doing. Sah? I'll tell you guys something for free. Someone might do something.
There isn't always a connection between this and something else. It's not always. Trying to always connect this with this and connect that with that.
Trust me, I tried that for so long it's just going to get you tired. And I'll save you guys the time. It's not always a conspiracy.
Yeah? Sah? It's not always like that. Situations can be isolated. This can be a one-off that the person did.
Are we all together brothers? And it's fair to always come to a discussion with an open mind. Is it not? It is. Why do you think some parents sometimes fall into oppressing one's child over the other? Why do they fall into this issue? Because they connected this child with so many other scenarios and they have a belief in their heart regarding this child.
And so they just believe this child is the one that's innocent. And they think he's the golden child. And then this other one, he is always the wrong.
Are we all together? As a person whose communication, no preconceived notion, brother. Don't what? No preconceived notions. If you ask a question, don't ask those type of questions of, hey, what's the next question? Hey, answer this one.
Hey, what about this one? What about this? You ask too many questions where the person is overwhelmed and of course they're going to do a mistake. Even you don't believe what you're saying and then the communication is now going to, it's now an argument. Why do you think a wife and a husband are fighting and they both want to go their separate ways? It's because they couldn't communicate.
When communication is done and both people couldn't communicate with one another, that's when they say, listen, I want to leave this marriage. True or false? Why do governments fight? Communication, right? They try, they try. You know what? Communication.
And the next one is, which is a problem for communication is, answering fast. Answering a question fast. In a communication, think about the answer.
Take your time. It's not a race. There's no timer.
When you're communicating with people, think about the answer. Think about what the person said. It's also a good trait to ask the person again, to expand on the question so you can narrow down exactly what they want from you, rather than answering something else and then they say, no, that's not what I meant.
But they got that knowledge from you. Right? So it's always good to say, what did you mean exactly? Can you explain the question for me? And then give the answer. For communication, that's very, very good that you don't answer fast.
Are we all together, brothers? Nine. Another problem with communication is, don't give your opinion on every single thing. Some people have an opinion on everything.
Any discussion you have with him, he's never going to say to you, I don't know. You're like, yeah, yeah, I read about this stuff. You know, I know this stuff.
Yeah, of course I do, man. One of my friends here, every single thing, he's got an opinion on it. Put your hand if you know somebody like that.
That he's sheikhul kulli fil kulli. That he's a scholar of everything. Put your hand up if you know somebody like that.
Put your hand up if that person is here. Okay, okay. Not even mentioned.
Again, put your hand up if that person you're talking about is here. Good, good, good. Yeah, the person's here then.
So they have an opinion on everything. And there's a particular country, I don't want to say their name. If you ask them a destination, they will never say to you, we don't know it.
And I test them one time. I thought it was a rumor that if you ask them, they won't say, I don't know. Everything they have something to say.
So I asked a guy, does this guy, do they always answer when he goes yes? They will never say to me, we don't know. Okay, I said. So I named a place in the UK.
I don't remember exactly what it was. Like it's something like Southall. I said, where in the Southall, Habibi? Southall? Ah, fine.
Alatool. I was like, bro, you are taking me on a ride. So, yeah, I just told you it's an Arab country, but I didn't say what country it was.
But you understand, brothers, every issue, don't have an opinion on it. Wallahi, it takes away your honor. Wallahi, it takes your honor.
It is beautiful to say certain things, Wallahi, I don't know. I've never heard of this. Educate me, man.
I've never heard of this before. Teach me. What does it mean? People love you.
They will trust you. When you say you know, they know you know. Sah? And when you don't know, they know you're going to say, I don't know.
But if you claim everything you know, something about it, they're never going to be like, this guy's never going to say I don't know. And in every communication, it's just going to be a problem. Sah, brothers? Do you guys agree with this point? That's bad for communication.
At the end, we're going to take all the questions, and the session's going to be like that, inshallah. Number 11, number 10. Certain people, you should not have any communications with them.
Certain people, it's important not to have communication with them. Nah. Certain people, it is not befitting to have conversations with them.
What they will do to you is, they will scoop you to their level. They will what? Scoop you to their level, and it's going to be what? It's going to be very unpleasant. They say a pig loves to, he loves to wrestle, and he enjoys being in the mud.
So if you've got a white thobe, and you start wrestling with a pig, even if you win that wrestle, he enjoyed it. And guess what happened to you in the meantime? Yeah, you're full of mud. Do you understand, brothers? Yeah, what did he say? That's it.
Yeah, a troll will fall under that as well, yeah. Anyone who is a troll, don't entertain certain people. Just Allah told us in the Qur'an, خُذِ الْعَفْوَةِ وَأَمُرُ بِالْعُرْفِ وَأَعْرِضُ عَنِ الْجَاهِلِينَ Turn away from the ignorant ones.
وَإِذَا مَرُّوا بِاللَّغْوِ مَرُّوا كِرَامًا When they go by those idle speech, they go. There's some people on social media, they're commenting on everything that is said. The whole thread, somebody says something about another one, another, he's on a, يعني war, and he's commenting, commenting.
Say your bit. Say what you believe. وَأَمَا تَدِينُوا اللَّهَ بِهِ And keep it moving.
If you're going to carry on using social media, brother. Number 11. Brothers and sisters, make sure the conversation you want to have is the right time.
Some conversations are not for the right, it's not the right time. The wife is tired. And then the brother says, I need to talk to you about something.
The wife is going to go to sleep. She's tired. Is it the right time to bring this conversation up to her right now? Yeah, this kind of conversation? Or the wife, the husband, tired, exhausted, come from work, he comes home, she's like, I want to ask you, so I got questions I want to ask you.
And it's seen jeans, seen jeans, seen jeans means Q&A, Q&A. She's asking questions, interrogation. Ask him tomorrow morning when he's fresh.
صح? Heavy topics, I believe, should not be done at night time. Heavy conversations, sleep on it, and have it in the morning. Knowing your surroundings, and whether this conversation, and this dialogue, and this communication is fit, is vital for any relationship that you're going to have.
صح? Like, for example, some parents, what they do is they have conversations with one child in front of the other child, and I find that very disrespectful. You want to talk to the child? Separate. Take him to the room, have a conversation with him.
Say, I want to, what do you think went wrong? What made you do this? Why did you do this? How do you think you can overcome this now? What's your steps and plan that you have in place that this doesn't happen again? Okay, can you write that up for me, and show it to me so I can see it? So it's in writing. So child writes everything that happened, and what you told them, so you know they understood what you said to them. And steps of what they're going to do.
You look at the steps, you say, okay, this is what you're going to follow, right? Ha. Later, it's like, you see her, right? And we had this privately. If the child is the oldest, and you talk to him in front of the other young ones, are they going to respect the older? Older sibling.
You've taken that away from them. So don't. Look at where you're at.
Again, talking about your children to other people in a negative light is disrespect. Or your spouse, or your partner. It's not speaking in a positive light.
They're rubbish, they're this. About your partner? Are we all together brothers? The women do that, and the brothers do that. Right? Right? Right? Don't talk about each other.
This is the person who you're married to. They're clothing for you, and you're clothing for them. Do you know why Allah used that word clothing? Because the clothing covers your aura.
Your partner is meant to cover your aura. Another one is, another, the twelfth point, is don't have communication with someone who doesn't want the communication. Some people force the communication out of people.
No, no, but you need to listen to me. No, but I don't want to listen to you, I want to go. No, no, sit down, sit down.
Listen to me, listen to me. You're not going to get this conversation anywhere, are you? No. And some even threaten you if you don't listen to them.
So, that's not a communication. It's not a dialogue, it's a monologue. It's one person talking.
The other person will just listen to you. Are you finished? Can I go now? That's it. It's a monologue.
You were just preaching. But if you want a communication, a dialogue, both ways, if this person wants this conversation, have it with them. If they don't, then don't have the conversation with them.
Number thirteen. Reputation, sorry, repetition. Repetition in speech.
It's not fruitful. Only certain circumstances is it. The majority of your speech should not be a repetition.
People get bored of it. Repeating the same thing and thinking you're going to get through to the person is considered Actually, if someone is communicating with you and five years ago you were talking like this, it just shows that you haven't grown, right? As a person, you grow. You interact with other people, you read, you study, your brain grows.
The conversation that you had five years ago, should it be the same conversation that you have now? No. No. Are we all together, brothers? So as parents, if there's no source of knowledge coming in, you will be a repetition.
That's all you're going to be. You're going to be, as a parent, pay attention to this. If you, as a parent, you don't read or you don't travel and interact with other people, your kids are going to look at you and you're repeating the same old story, the same old conversations, the same old advices, which haven't been really worked on and changed.
Does that make sense? So no doubt, sometimes repetition is needed. And as you know, Allah repeated himself in Surah Rahman. How many times? How many times did it come? Multiple times.
But that's not the asal. The Quran doesn't repeat itself all the time. Are we all together? It even changes certain meanings and certain events.
It adds extra information in there and sometimes it omits information from it. Number 14. Don't belittle the people you're talking to.
I mean belittle the person you're talking to. And people do that sometimes. They do this in many different forms.
Sometimes the way they do it is saying you're young. You'll grow up one day. One day you'll grow up.
You're still young. Don't. Don't belittle the people.
Let them talk. Something to say. Are we all together, brothers? Let the person speak.
Sometimes brothers do that. They will belittle the wife when she's talking. Are you dumb? Are you dumb? That's what they'll say.
Think. Use your brain. Do you have a brain? Audhubillah.
That's it. It's a new sort of class. You close the doors of that conversation to go forward.
Have you not? Or you do that to your sister. Or your sister does it to you. That's it.
The minute you belittle each other or you say, you know what? I question your IQ level. I question your brain. I question your sanity.
That's it. And that's a sign of wallahi a weakness within you. It's a weakness within you that you say such statements.
Number 14, right? 15, huh? Is not listening to the person who's talking. There's a difference between hearing what the person said and listening to what the person said. A lot of our youngsters, what they say? No, I hear you.
I hear you. So you're not listening. Gen Z's.
Yeah, Gen Z's. Hello, what happened? Why are you lying down for? Gen Z's, they say, yeah, I hear you. I hear you.
No, I don't want you to hear me. Hearing doesn't mean I know it's not literal. But listening is what's more accurate.
Hearing is what you hear. Listening is what you listen attentively. I get it, okay.
That's what a conversation is about. Listen to what the other person is saying. And you know what? It's an evidence to show you that a person is not listening to you when they say, have you finished? Have you finished? He's just waiting for you to end the conversation.
Right? Next point, brothers. And then I'm going to take some questions from you guys to see if you guys are with me. The second, the 16th point is belittling the conversation of this person.
Not the person, you're not attacking them. You're now belittling their content and the conversation that they're bringing to the table. So you say, is that why you woke me up? Really? Is that what you want to talk to me about? Jamzees, I'm good at mimicking you guys, huh? Asking someone, like saying to them, really, this is what you want to talk to me about? That is what? It's not healthy conversation now.
Saying that to your wife, wife saying to the husband, and etc. Belittling the content of the person. Wallahi, Nabiullah Muhammad كان تأخذ يده His hand will be taken by a young jariyah.
She will take him, a young woman. She will take him everywhere. The Prophet will never be arrogant from her.
We're all together. And he was the best man who ever walked on this earth. Humility.
Listening, even sometimes people are not going to say things that are mentally, they don't stimulate you what they're saying. But it's a sign of humility to say, I want to hear you. Right? Imagine, Abdullah ibn Abbas, 13 year old.
He was 13 by the way, when the Prophet died. When the Prophet died. So he was probably at this time, 8, 7. And he gave attention to him.
He said, And he's engaging with him. A Bedouin man came to the masjid. And he came and he grabbed the Prophet, He pulled the Prophet's cloth.
And there was a mark on the Prophet's throat. And the Prophet turned around, the narration says, smiling. And he said to me, Give me the wealth of Allah.
This is not your wealth and it's not the wealth of your father. And the Prophet said to the companions, give it to him. Why? The Bedouins are like this.
That's their character. The Prophet ﷺ was like that. The 17th.
His brothers and sisters do not finish off the person's conversation. Some people are like, they finish the sentence off for you. Because they've heard this.
They're trying to tell you, I've heard this before. Right? When you tell the story, you want to tell them a story. And they say, they finish off the story.
This is, it's not good for communication. It is good when you pretend like you never heard it. It makes the person feel like, I brought something new to the table.
Right? Especially your children, when they tell you a story. And say, Allah. Allah, this is a good, beautiful story.
Allahumma barik. Hayyeh, carry on. It makes the child feel what? Special, right? And it will make anybody.
And I honestly remember a time when my sheikh, I was telling him something I read from a book. And I got it wrong. I actually misquoted it.
I was very young at that time. And I was just getting into the flow of reading and going through books. And I had read a story.
And I told my sheikh about it. And he listened to me attentively. He was listening to me like it was benefiting.
And when I finished, and I ended the story telling what I read, he said to me, well, I'll never forget. He said to me, Allahumma barik. He praised what I told him.
I was a young kid. I was chuffed. I was like, Allahumma barik.
I said something. Sheikh, it's benefiting for me. And then he said to me, he wants to correct me.
He did not say, you're wrong. You got it wrong. You didn't read it from the right place.
Guess what he said? He said, I've read it from somewhere else. Maybe it's a different story. Or maybe a different source where you read it from.
But I remember reading it from there. MashaAllah, Allahumma barik, he said to me. And I automatically knew that what he was saying was the source I read it from, but I just got it wrong.
And I just said, Sheikh, that's where I read it from as well. But the manner in which he corrected me was so profound, I'll never forget it. Sah? So, don't finish off people's stories.
Especially parents. Parents will keep telling the same story sometimes. When I was young, this happened.
Don't say, mum, I've heard this one before. Or dad, I've heard this story before. Pretend like you've never heard of it before.
It's good for communication. It makes a person feel special. Number 18.
Getting up before the person finishes their conversation. You know when you're hungry and you haven't finished your food, how you feel is the same sometimes what people feel when it comes to communication. If they don't feel like they've said, they've let out what they wanted and you stop them halfway, it can be not nice and unpleasant for the person.
Imagine you're having a heart-to-heart conversation with somebody and what they did is they just got up and they left. How do you feel? Is it nice? Hmm? Especially brothers, when it comes to sisters. It has to be what? All attention.
It has to be what? Yeah, brothers sometimes use their phones. Sometimes they get distracted by other things. Just listen.
Are we all together? Number 19. One of the things that destroys communication, brothers, is المبادرة على تكذيب المتحدث. You say to the person who's telling the story, Nah, you're lying.
You don't even know if he's lying or not, if it's true or not. You hasten. What do you hasten to? المبادرة إلى تكذيب المتحدث.
The person who's talking, you hasten to saying what you said is a lie. كذب. And guess what? You find out later that it wasn't.
You're like, yo, I'm sorry. Just don't hasten to it in the first place. صح? Trust me.
Anything anyone tells you, if you believe it's true or not, why do you have to tell them? Is there a reason you have to tell them? Generally speaking, no. They tell you something, listen to them. If you think it's the truth or a lie, don't.
That's it. Because what happens? You find out it's what? It's truth. Next one is point 20.
Avoiding talking to the youngsters. You know what that does? I actually found people who don't talk to kids, to the young kids, their skills of communication doesn't sharpen. نعم.
Because kids require what? A different type of communication. Because you need his attention. صح? To communicate with a child.
You need his attention. You cannot be too intellectual with a child, can you? No. You have to be very emotional with him.
You learn so many skills that you use when you're talking to children, right? So, those who avoid talking to kids, it's not just that they lose that, but what they also do is, it's a sign of arrogance for a lot of them. صح? It's a sign of what? Arrogance. Like, how am I going to sit with little kids? Come on now.
I'm a big man. I ain't sitting with little kids and talking to them. But these are the leaders of tomorrow.
صح? Number 21. الوقيعة في الناس Communication that's based on talking about people's honor. Some spouses, wives, parents with their kids, and etc.
is built upon الوقيعة في الناس Talking about people's honors. That's the kind of communication you should not carry on with somebody. Where they're talking about other people's honor, and other people's reputation, and other people's mistakes and shortcomings.
Ah, did you hear what Fulan did? Ah, did you hear this? Did you hear this? No, I didn't and I don't want to hear it. Are we all together, brothers and sisters? الوقيعة في الناس Also in there is النميمة Taking one story from one person to another person, to another person, to another person. Are we all together? Stay away from that.
Number 22. One of the things that harms communication is giving unverified information. You have information you've not verified.
So it's التسرع في نشر الأخبار Hastening to spread news قبل التثبت منها Before you verify this information. And is it true? Has it actually even happened? Is this even an authentic hadith? Are we all together, brothers? Yeah? Number 23. الكذب Lying What destroys communication is what? الكذب Lying One party just knows how to lie and then lie and then lie.
Just lying one after the other. Number 24. One of the things that destroys communication and it's not pleasant for communication is when one person takes information and criticism without thinking about it.
It's extreme. Some people, what they are is anything anyone says to them is a reality. They don't have a filter.
For them is قبول كلام الغيم Accepting the speech of others دون التمحيص or تثبت is just not news that has come to them but somebody has told them something about themselves. They take it for face value. Are we all together? I give an example.
This happens a lot with women. One woman would tell another woman Oh, my marriage is the best. And I have only because this person is very deceptive and their plan is to make you feel like your marriage is not good.
And so what happens? This other sister takes it for face value. Says, Oh, my friend's got the best marriage. Right? And then comes home and then frustration and marital problems then start You see you have to be a person who doesn't take everything that's said.
Are we all together brothers? Because pleasing the people is a goal you can never reach. Someone's gonna come to your school and say bad things about you. Don't That's his opinion.
That's his view. Are we all together brothers? Like in the things which are right things which have been said which have verified and factual those things you take which are a reality The 25th is some people in communication they think in order to get their point across they have to raise their voice. So the 25th point is do not raise your voice.
Raising your voice will not get your point across better. Actually, it's actually proven. Psychologists scientists have found that people will not majority of people will not listen to you once you start screaming.
Does that make sense? When you scream you don't get people's attention. Quran says what? Lower your voice. Don't scream.
Don't raise your voice too high. So a woman feels like she's not heard. She just starts screaming.
The brother feels he's not heard. He just screams at the woman. A brother wants to get he screams at the other brother thinking that he's gonna get his point across better if he screams but he won't.
Number six. Yeah, 26th. What did I say? Oh, sorry.
26th I meant. Is Some people they take harshness in speech in the conversation. Harsh hard-hearted.
He will say yo, listen. He won't call the person by their name. He wouldn't address them with brother.
My beloved brother. Good statements. He doesn't.
when he goes to Pharaoh who Allah knew that Pharaoh was not gonna accept the message. said to Musa to say to Pharaoh when he speaks to him It's very important. Layyin means soft words.
The reason for it is what? When you speak soft what happens? And you're not harsh in your speech. You see, that's what comes from it. Soft speech brings about the person listening to you.
Are we all together brothers? I'll tell you guys something. How many people have you spoken to just their demeanor their personality the way they talk the way they say things just really penetrates your heart and you just see yourself saying you know what, I agree. Put your hand up if you've felt like this person they haven't really convinced you but because of their demeanor and their character you just feel like I can't say no.
Put your hand up if you've been in a situation like that. There you are. They have a soft approach very welcoming they don't make you feel low and bad.
This is important Allah. Right? So stay away from that. The Prophet Muhammad Ibn Abdullah ﷺ Allah said about him وَلَوْ كُنْتَ فَضًّا غَلِيغَ الْقَلْبِ لَنْ فَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكِ If you are harsh in your speech the fact that you're a Prophet of Allah wouldn't work by itself.
لَنْ فَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكِ These Sahabas would run away from your gathering. They would leave you. So you're not a Prophet of Allah what makes you think people would take from you if you're harsh in your approach? Right? The number 7 is what? 27 27 sorry 27 is Harshness The previous one was harshness in speech generally.
This one is harsh when you're criticizing the person. So it's like أَشِدَّ فِي الْعِتَابِ The person has done a mistake you can see remorse from them. And guess what you do? You go for them.
Just go for them. As they say you go for their throat. It's like the person has already said I'm sorry I'm really sorry No but I can't How did you do this? أَشِدَّ فِي الْعِتَابِ Are we all together? Harshness in criticizing or miscorrecting a person's mistake is not gonna work.
Are we all together brothers? And that issue Inshallah Ta'ala how to deal with people's mistakes is another session for another time. Number 28 and I need to put this in there Communication on the telephone which is when you're talking to the people on the phone is different from when you talk to people face to face and I learned this the hard way. Text message does not get your points across.
It doesn't. Like I'm laughing when I'm sending a message and my wife says why were you so angry at me today? I'm like honey I wasn't. Wallahi Because the message is what? It came across very tough.
People can't see the emotions behind it. Do you understand? Like imagine you wrote you said somebody get out of here or you wrote get out of here. Does it look the same? Is it different? Yeah? Do you see the difference? One with the emotions and the body language it looks like the person is happy and you're so I would say don't talk about tough things over text message.
Your marriage and issues like that don't use text message or WhatsApp. Are we all together? If you feel like you have to talk trust me even voice notes cannot do the job. The body has to be in there.
The smile the gentle touch do you understand? The proximity of when you're talking to each other. Are we all together? All of this is omitted from the conversation is it not? Even parents when you want something from your mom and dad trust me don't try on the phone. Youngsters I'm going to bring you guys in.
You guys want to get things from your parents? Yeah but the phone is not going to work. Talking to them on the phone they could be talking to somebody else they could be looking at something to get what you want take this from me the chance is very high if you come face to face. Are we all together brothers? Especially the mom is easy just grab her hand kiss it hug her just in the morning you tell her how much you love her and in the evening you just ask for what you wanted.
It's just the dad sometimes dads are a bit hard right to get through to. Are we all together brothers? So distinguishing between what? Phone and face to face they're two different things Wallahi and I've found a lot of that happens. Another thing that happens my brothers and sisters is in bad communication is it's 29 is Adab al-Hiwar the manners of dialogue is not studied.
There's manners by the way you need to follow when you're talking to people. The person doesn't what are the manners that you need to follow when you're talking to someone? Wallahi even your children Wallahi even your wives your family members do you know if you're talking to somebody follow these manners Wallahi you'll see results number one Al-Ikhlas be sincere what you're talking about. Yeah Wallahi be sincere don't have a hidden agenda when you're talking to your children.
Allah SWT when it's sincere it will touch the heart. Sincerity comes from the heart and it goes to the heart. The wife the same thing but if you have an agenda like you're telling her yeah, yeah, yeah I got you, I got you, I got you and you don't have that in your mind and nor do you intend it and you're only saying that just to silence this conversation so you can go that's not sincerity be sincere.
Number two is don't speak about their intentions this is Adab Adab Al-Hiwar don't talk about people's intentions don't say oh, that's what you meant, right? No, but I didn't mean that no, no, no, I know you did, you did listen, listen, listen don't try to justify it now that's exactly what you meant I know what you meant but I didn't mean that why are you lying for? see how the conversation is going this person is telling you I know what's in my heart and that's not what I intended no, you did how can you have a conversation with somebody who's telling you this is what you intended how do you win? I've always asked myself this question someone who's saying to you something that you said and what you meant by it comes from you they're saying to you that's not what you intended there is no way you can convince them so this is bad it goes against what? adab al-hiwar I'm talking about adab al-hiwar, right? so what was the first point I mentioned for the 29th point? A? sincerity number two? yeah? yeah, don't talk about other people's intentions or the person you're talking to don't talk about their niya and their heart number three is what? al-ghadab al-ghadab means what? yeah, don't get angry are we all together brothers? just relax don't get angry in our conversation don't get angry even if you do it's a muhsin hold it back are we all together? even if you feel like it's really boiling your blood you can say can I take your permission? go to the toilet and come back go to the toilet and go wash your face come out, come back sit and it's all gonna go good you get rewarded for concealing your anger right? the next one the manners the next one you need to talk about is don't boycott in a conversation meaning no, it's still the same point it's still adab al-hiwar don't some people they say you know what? I prefer not to talk to you let's end this conversation now here and I don't wanna talk to you and that is when they feel that the point is getting somewhere and they're like you know what? I don't wanna even talk anymore don't be like that adab al-hiwar is you hear the other person they hear you and you both hear each other and one of the things I like to say to myself whether I do it all the time only Allah knows is that in the beginning of the conversation you can say to somebody I really and genuinely intend good from this wallahi I have no hidden agenda I am not in the right place to criticize you in what you do I am also as a human being a sinner I do mistakes and shortcomings does that make sense? and I ask Allah to forgive me as much as I ask Allah to forgive you I just wanted to shed light on this particular issue that I feel like it needs to be addressed because it's having an effect on our relationship beautiful is that not good? would that person listen to you? yeah? yeah inshallah ta'ala they will listen to you another thing that adab al-hiwar is if you see the other person is emotional and they get emotional it's good to stop and get a tissue get the other person a tissue let them get that out and then ask them do you think we should carry the conversation or should we stop it here? it's adab al-hiwar somebody is like oh again you're going to now cry again always always knows how to cry right? beautiful another adab al-hiwar is justice fairness like when you're having a conversation if your spouse or if your children or somebody they catch you out on something just saying you know what you're right hands up are we all together? my kids would sometimes catch me out say dad you promised us yesterday you said you're going to come this time and you said you're going to spend time with us you're going to do this with us so there's no wiggling out of it I say look I am guilty as charged right? trying to explain a mistake is teaching your children to never accept mistakes and that's sometimes worse than the mistake itself does that make sense? so I'm not only a teacher when I'm teaching in a mosque or online I have to also be a teacher to my mistakes I have to teach them how you accept your mistake so in a discussion if your spouse says to you something and you're like you got a point she really got a point here give me a second let me think about it yeah you got a point I actually got a point here and it is something I need to work on and it's so nice if you say look can I write this down? so I don't forget is that good? does that help? with that person is that fairness and stuff? ha they will do the same we're still talking about adab al-hiwar don't adab al-hiwar don't say I challenge you stay away from I dare I challenge you now it's not pleasant right? if you say to somebody I challenge you right? is it good? imagine your your your wife I challenge you I dare and the husband says to the wife I dare you to do this exactly exactly it's not a good thing the challenge and understanding is not a good thing it goes against adab adab adab al-hiwar so another thing is goes against adab al-hiwar which is the next point still in the 29th point is not addressing the person by their name saying you yeah or saying sometimes what's your name again? right? even if you forgot the person's name don't say that it's a level of disrespect does that make sense brothers? and what's worse is calling them by the wrong name right? so if you know you forget people's names dear brother dear brother my brother my brother that's better right? next point inshallah is another thing is which goes against still point 29 is the content of what the conversation is about is not known to you so sometimes two people are talking and guess what? the brother doesn't even know what the wife is complaining about for like half an hour maybe longer than that she's saying something he's defending this and he's defending that and he's defending that and at the end she's like do you know what even I'm talking about? he goes no I don't know what you're talking about so what was the whole conversation about? are we all together brothers? when people have marital problems and they come to me I don't I don't do anything else I just say have you spoken to each other? no okay now you can both talk you start then you talk and honestly I just let them talk and guess what? they fix all their problems honestly I just let both parties speak and as they're talking someone will say something that goes against these points and I'll just correct them and say like do you think you could have asked them to expand on this point do you think it was wise to say this is what you intended when the person said I didn't intend that and I explain these points and how it should be done communication brothers is the biggest problem that we all have are we all together brothers? I have it sometimes sometimes I have to re-evaluate my conversation with somebody and say that didn't go good what did I say wrong? okay what should I have said? talking to someone in front of somebody else even if they were going to listen to you they're not going to listen to you you don't do that which is another point point number 30 you want to get a point across to someone don't do it in front of other people he will argue his point and he doesn't care he won't listen does that make sense? or the wife you talk to her in front of her kids she's not going to hear you now she's not going to listen she's going to defend herself right? you guys agree? next point some people which is the last point I'm going to mention some people they love and enjoy opposing it's like they love this devil advocate idea they're always just like I don't agree with you and just loves that I don't agree with you and he just loves debating that's not good the idea of loving to be a opponent to somebody else that's not pleasant are we all together? people just see you as oh he disagreed again there are many more points I've mentioned 31 and I've written 80 but I think maybe another time inshallah ta'ala we'll finish it put your hand up if you felt these points were very beneficial and it was thought provoking and it made you think and said wow these who agrees that these are points that are vital for communication Jazakumullah khairan and put your hand up if you you think part 2 should be done next another time on these points now I wanna talk to you guys inshallah ta'ala ok we got 15 minutes left inshallah ta'ala now these 15 minutes I wanna talk to my my brothers and sisters my brothers here talk to me brothers what is one of those points that so where's the microphone? there's no microphone today I want I want somebody to stand up and tell me one of those points that I mentioned how that particular point was thought provoking for you and how it caught your attention inshallah ta'ala and the microphone is right there inshallah ta'ala so put your hand up you don't have to stand up by the way but you just have to that point ayah put your hand up if you or else I'm gonna choose ayah habibi don't mind ahsanallah alayk hafidhikumullah Allahumma ameen one thing which I really liked is how you spoke about how in a nutshell communication is key like whatever whether it be marriage or whether it be with your children because 99% of our problems today can be just solved by just communication whether it like you said between countries or between husband and wife Jazakumullah khairan next on the floor and then after Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh I think for me the most beneficial thing that you said was about having tough conversations face to face being at work or with family or friends it's easy to have that conversation through the phone and text and it's more seen as lazy and neglectful and it shows bad adab but to have it face to face is not easy it's not easy so to have that conversation and to show your appearance whether it's through your posture and your facial expressions i.e. you mentioned the smiling part it can mean so much more to someone else especially if you make that effort face to face whether it's through work family or friends or even children and then they will understand you a lot more instead of just the lazy old text of yeah I understand you or I get you etc etc so I think for me it's always a reminder especially towards myself first and then to the other people so that I can carry myself better so Jazakum Allah Khair Jazakum Allah Khair and Barakallahu Fik and it's true with social media now you mentioned a point that made me I think I think I should add that in there as well which is even the issue of people are easier to insult you online than they can if they saw you face to face do you agree? because hiding behind something it's always easier it's a lot of courage to say it's somebody's face in front of their face right? so that's another point which is the importance of face to face communication really dissolves issues it really does or it makes to both parties hear each other clearly Assalamu Alaikum you said during the Akhlaq bit if you see someone get emotional stop but what about the saying someone that cries wolf like they start to cry just so they get what they want so how do you deal with that? I didn't say give them what they want I know you didn't say but what you have to do is you have to stop and respect this person's emotional feelings at that particular moment again the idea that somebody wants something from this crying is maybe at times you go into this person's intentions so best I have a policy some might not agree with me I prefer to be tricked than to trick someone to be tricked into thinking something than when it really isn't I prefer that rather than being in a situation where I am the one who is the tricker that doesn't mean I like to be tricked and I want to be tricked but if I have to choose between the two I would be the one I prefer to be tricked so if that situation that I it's better for me to believe that that person is genuinely crying no no Jazakallah Khair Sheikh Sheikh you mentioned about the harshness and it made me just think about empathy and having compassion when you're speaking to someone it could be something like oh I understand where you're coming from or it must be really hard for you and that's something I want to share Jazakallah Khair it really is Jazakallah Khair honestly saying to someone I understand what you're going through I understand where your issue oh it's a good way of starting a conversation I am not the type of person who believes mistakes should not be corrected somebody should not be told that they're wrong I believe it should I just believe it should be done in a certain way Sheikh Abdulaziz Ibn Ubaid said something very powerful he said we are in a time and we're living at a time of compassion especially now compassion Rahmah towards the people right especially your fellow Muslims especially your fellow Muslims be Rahim quality of Rahmah is something very important right harshness does not bring about Khair my brothers that's why the Prophet he said in a Hadith gentleness is never placed into something except it makes it beautiful and it's never removed from something except it makes it look ugly trust me the door to people's hearts is gentleness Lutf if you think you can get to people's hearts by being harsh tough rough you've misunderstood the door to the people's hearts do you guys agree with that no no yes Habibi we got a little Gen Z alpha as well you're going to get the microphone as well you want to talk for a while your time is going to come to shine the one point that actually stood out for me was when you talked about when you want to have that communication or that discussion with someone be it your friend your spouse or your children especially when it comes to discipline you want to have that conversation one to one rather than having that in front of everyone because if it's the eldest of the children they might lose that respect for their you know sibling so having that discussion one to one be it your friend spouse children that's something that actually I never really thought about and Barak Allah that's actually something that I can now take on we got a Gen Alpha here you know then what's your name what's your name what's your name Hamza lion go Hamza it's your moment to shine what stuck out for you well you said not considering people's feelings because people like they tend to talk too much and like they didn't realise and like like maybe like people could people inside they could feel like hurt or you know and also and also where you said you have the conversation at the right time because sometimes it's just not the right time and people are tired and they maybe they're not in the mood and yeah Barak Allah may Allah bless you Hamza's written Mashallah every point I love Hamza man in the dars he's writing he's taking his notes half way in the lesson he gets a bit tired he spreads his legs out and he lies down but he's he's learning Hamza may Allah preserve you and may Allah increase in courage that was good bravery speak in front of everybody Hayya anyone else Hayya Assalamu alaikum don't generalise the criticism because essentially it brings back the past and then it opens door for like more arguments so kind of stick to the topic that was like probably the most important thing because if you it really works man I've done this you've done this I forgave you I've done this for you I've done this for you I remember the day you did this yeah it never gets nowhere it gets stick to the point and a sign of forgiving someone is that you don't mention the mistakes in the past what the brothers what the brothers ah sah sah they do Hayya any other brother Hayya the Akh in the back Allah bless him Jazakallah Khair Ya Sheikh just following the Prophets the previous Prophet that he was talking about when you're advising someone in front of others you remind me the poetry of the Imam Al-Shafi'i R.A he said Sahih Jazakallah Khair Wallahi Sahih yeah and if you advise somebody in public he's not going to listen wa Lidhalika Ibn Rajab he authored a kitab on this mawdu which is what that's the difference between it and nasiha is what sir and a ta'iyir which is shaming is what public last wa khitamuhu misk Hayya last Assalamu Alaikum Wa Alaikumussalam so that we never become thirsty after that anything I've said that was wrong or incorrect is from me and shaytan and Allah and his messenger are both free from it don't leave we've got the panel today so the mashayikh are coming there's going to be four speakers inshallah coming down Sheikh Muhammad Tim Sheikh Sadiq Sheikh Muhammad Abdul Razak who is reading and Sheikh Abu Bakr four of them are coming and I'm going to be the one hosting them inshallah and so any questions you guys have you can bring it to me inshallah and I will put it to them and now it's salatul asr time
