Note: The following transcript was generated using AI and may contain inaccuracies.
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him and upon his family and his companions.
Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh to all the brothers and sisters tuning in at home to another episode of Aabdus Sabeelin. Once again, I'm joined by Ustad Rahman Hassan. Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
How are you doing Ustad? Alhamdulillah, I'm good, mashaAllah. I think this is our fourth episode together, I think, if I'm not mistaken. And it's a follow-on episode really from what we discussed last time.
So if you remember, last time we were discussing the characteristics of a righteous wife. So we were talking about the responsibilities of a wife and the rights of a husband. We're now going to flip it and actually do the opposite.
We're going to be talking about the characteristics of a righteous husband. So now we're talking about the responsibilities of a husband and the rights of a wife. I would definitely recommend people to watch the episode on the characteristics of a righteous wife if they haven't done that already.
Because we mentioned a lot in the introduction, which we're not going to repeat here. And therefore this is probably going to be a shorter episode. Not because the husbands, we're not targeting them as much as the wives.
But because we laid it probably about half an hour, 45 minute introduction about where do you take the guidelines from for a righteous wife or husband. A righteous marriage, a happy marriage. Where do you take those kind of guidelines from? We spoke about marriage in general as well throughout that episode.
So I definitely recommend people to watch that first if they haven't done so already. And then come back to this one inshaAllah. So today we're going to be talking about the characteristics of a righteous husband.
Where would you like to start? Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen wa salatu wa salamu ala asharaf al anbiya wal mursaleen Sayyidina wa nabiyyina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa ashabihi wa tabi'ina lahum bihsani ila yawmi deena ma ba'd. When it comes to the rights that the wife has over the husband, the scholars they categorize it into two. There's huqooq, rights that she has, which is maaliyya, wealth.
Financial rights that she has. And those financial rights are three. The first one is the mihr, the dowry that the man has to give.
And Allah Ta'ala He spoke about that in the Qur'an. Give the women their dowry. In another ayah Allah Ta'ala He says, wa atuhum wa atuhunna ujurahunna bil ma'ruf.
wa atuhunna ujurahunna bil ma'ruf. Give them their ujur, ujur meaning their dowry. So in another ayah Allah Ta'ala He says, wa uhilla lakum ma waraa dhalikum.
An tabtaghu bi amwalikum muhsinina ghayra musafihina. famastamta'tum bihi minhuna. fa atuhunna ujurahunna.
fa atuhunna ujurahunna. Same thing as the one before, fa atuhunna ujurahunna. Fareeda, give it to them because it's a right.
It's a haq that she has. Allah says in another ayah, wa in arattum ustibidala zawjin makana zawjin wa ataytum ihdahunna pinqara. fala ta'khudu minhu shay'a ta'khuduna buhtanan wa ithbun mubeena.
So these verses all mention that the rights that the wife has is a mihr, a dowry that's stated before the nikah is done. She states it in that moment that this is the money for her dowry and the man has to either agree or disagree. The woman has the rights to give up her dowry if she wishes so.
If she says I want half of what I requested for, I want this much from it, or I want that much from it, she has every right to. And if she does change her dowry, then as you know Allah says in the Quran to the women, yaayu allatheena aamanu, gawfu bil'uqood. Fulfill the covenant and the promises that you make.
But the mihr, if she doesn't change it, if she keeps it as it is, then the man is forced to give that woman her dowry. And she has the rights to ask for it before any consummation happens. So he gives it to her here and then everything happens.
That's the first financial rights. You can't just marry a woman and not expect a dowry to be paid. So let's talk about this in a little bit more detail then.
So this is actually a religious thing, it's not a cultural thing, it's actually a religious thing. In your experience though, has culture come into this and actually played a part in making the dowry much bigger than it should be? Is there any guidance about how big the dowry should be? So, the best of the women, as we mentioned before, the Prophet ﷺ mentions that the best of women is ayisaruhunna mu'inna or the easiest one when it comes to the nikah. The woman who's got the least dowry is the best in terms of women.
But that doesn't mean she hasn't got, she has to. It doesn't mean that she has to be low in her dowry. She wants, she can go as far as she wishes.
The dowry has no limitations and no one can limit it. And the husband has the right to refuse or accept the sisters? It's an agreement they can come to. Islam is honouring this woman.
She can say, this is how much I want and the man has the right to say yes or no. What tends to happen a lot is the sister sometimes doesn't even want this dowry but the family get involved and Allah takes the barakah away from a lot of marriages because of that. What do you want? Do you want a good husband to take care of your daughter? Is that what's more important to you or is the money that you get? This is something you have to ask yourself.
What is it you're looking for for your daughter? Are you looking for a good man who's fearing of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala who's going to fulfil the rights of his wife or are you looking for a man who's just going to give money and probably even has that money but treats your daughter in a bad way and you got the money but you didn't get a man to take care of your daughter. The truth of the matter is many people say, yeah I want a man who looks after my daughter, takes good care of my daughter. The sister the same.
She wants a brother who's going to take care of her, look after her. So if that's the case, the dowry isn't really what brings that about. Actually it's the opposite as the Prophet told us alaihi salam.
But again, again, she's got every right to set her dowry as much as she wishes and say that this is how much I want it to be, this is how much I want it to be. And in my culture if the man comes and he says to his wife I'm going to give you a dowry she feels like he's divorcing her. She will ask, are you divorcing me? You don't want me anymore.
What do you mean by give her her dowry? Give her her dowry back. No. If the woman is given her dowry in my culture, my Somali people, a lot of the times this is what happens.
They don't give the dowry at the beginning. They only give it when they're divorcing her. Oh really? Yeah, yeah.
They give it to her when they're divorcing her. That's the time the dowry is spoken about. It's never spoken about before marriage.
So you agree what the dowry is before you get married? Throughout the whole marriage it's not given to the wife? No. And if the husband says here's your dowry the wife thinks you're divorcing her? Yeah. I didn't know that really.
She's like why are you mentioning that? That's bad, that's wrong. He has every right to give it to you in the marriage and you have every right to ask for it in the marriage. If you need your money, that's your money.
You have every right to say I need my money now. A lot of women ask for it, they demand the dowry when? When they're at the time of divorce only. When they want to leave they say give me my dowry now.
I want my dowry now. Or if the man wants the divorce she goes my dowry now. Give me my dowry.
Because she knows he probably can't give it now etc. The issue of dowry has nothing to do with divorce or not. It's your right in wealth and you can still love one another.
Some men make their wives feel very bad when it comes to the dowry to the extent that the woman she never asks for her dowry. Every time she brings it up he'll say to her me me like you're only with me for money? Is that all you think about when you see me? Your dowry? Make her feel guilty to the point where she doesn't even ask for it. She never asks for it.
She doesn't even ask for it. She doesn't want it. She doesn't desire it.
And it's just something she does not have in her mind. Again that's something wrong. That's something what? It's something wrong.
So the first one is the dowry. Number two. So the second financial financial right is a nafakah.
That's interesting. I think in my culture what tends to happen is what we were discussing earlier where the family would get involved and they'd put a ridiculous price almost like a pride thing like no we're not going to let our daughter get married unless it's less than this and they might even they might even speak to other family relatives how much was your dowry or this dowry and it's like a competition thing. And then what that results in inevitably is like you said that you end up rejecting a righteous man who'd actually look after your daughter better and you'll go for the one who has a higher dowry and ultimately you just sacrifice the happiness of your daughter just for this.
That's so true. That's true. Whenever you know the people look at things from a monetary benefit or they look at it from a worldly benefit tends to push away the akhira a lot of the times.
And of course wallahi we can't dismiss there are men who've paid great amounts of money for their wives and have lived a good marriage. It doesn't mean it won't but it's just that it's not the majority of situations. Also the second right that she has financially is an nafakah the man financially provides for her.
Allah Ta'ala He mentions وَعَلَى الْمَوْلُودِ لَهُ رِزْقُهُنَّ وَكِسْوَةُهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ There are two things that need to be done here. لِيُنفِقْ ذُو سَعَةٍ مِّن سَعَةِهِ وَمَن قُدِرَ عَلَيْهِ رِزْقُهُ فَلْيُنفِقْ مِمَّا آتَاهُ اللَّهُ The man has to provide two things in the nafakah food, what she eats and what she clothes herself with what she wears. It's bad and it's wrong for a man he's out and about eating and his wife's got nothing to eat at home he hasn't bought any shopping for her he also hasn't he hasn't provided for her financially for her to have something to eat outside so he's going outside and he's eating by himself and she's at home, hasn't got anything to eat there's a lot of men who don't even provide for their wives at all and the government provides for their wives he's actually working he's got the money and the government's providing for his wife and his children he's going to be asked Yawmul Qiyamah about this if he's got the ability to do so and he's not providing for his wife he's going to be asked about it Yawmul Qiyamah he's going to be questioned Yawmul Qiyamah he's going to be interrogated for it Yawmul Qiyamah if the wife doesn't get this from financial and monetary gain has to come from the man it's a religious obligation and a lot of sisters are letting the men off the hook for this they let their man off they're not putting pressure they're not taking their rights in this and they're trying to take from the man things that are not their rights so she's taking money from the British government or the American or the Canadian whatever government it is they're giving them the money, the welfare or what is called the the income tax what's called child benefits all of these benefits the government pays out the women are taking that and the husband is there he's a taxi driver, he's an Uber driver he's this, he's that he's making money and he's not providing for his wife Allah is not bringing any harmony to this marriage because there's haram income coming into the house the income is haram of course it's haram the income that's coming into the house the government is giving on the basis that this woman is a single mother and she's married she's got a husband and her husband actually works, he's got a job he's working 9 to 5 and she's not taking her wealth from the government if the man hasn't got the money and he's financially low at that moment or etc, that's another discussion we're talking about someone who has the ability to and like you said the issue of the dowry the woman has a right to give it up does the woman have the right to give this right up if she says it's ok I have my own money I don't need money from you or not, does a man have to give the money she can but she can't take it from haram means of course if she's wealthy, she's from a wealthy family or she's got a lot of savings, she can by the way this concept of a nafqa providing for your wife, it doesn't matter whether she's rich or not she can be a billionaire and you might have a 9 to 5 job you're just making minimum wages you still have to provide for her if she wants that of course what she makes doesn't come under the in Islam, it doesn't come under what the husband and the wife share so her money is her money 100% her money and the husband's money is shared by both they share it, the wife and the husband share it even that I need to explain when I say sharing I don't mean that the man takes half and the wife and the 5 kids all take half that's another thing I want to point out no it's not, it makes no logical sense you taking half by yourself and your 4 kids and your wife or your 3 kids and your wife or however much kids she has for you are all taking the same amount that you're taking that's not what it means here what it means is that you can share with them the food what you bring, we all eat it together and one of the worst traits for a person to have, one of the worst traits that an individual can be tested with, is to be stingy stinginess is a trait that takes away from a person any form of leadership they say the Prophet ﷺ he never ever removed a person from a place of position when he had contracts with the non-Muslims and when he took contracts with non-Muslims he never removed anyone from their position from the non-Muslims and said step down except one individual they said he told him to step down because he was just too stingy he wasn't providing for his people he wasn't circulating the wealth properly if you look at the Prophet's granddad Abdul Muttalib, one of the things Quraysh loved about him the traits that he had was what? giving generosity and taking care financially one of the greatest qualities a man can have is to be very open handed to be open handed to provide, to give to your children, to your wife it's a good quality and it's a good trait a man who bickers with his wife over pennies and pounds he bickers with her over these little things it's not a good trait and for a man to spend on his family, does that count as Sadaqah? of course it does of course it does even the rice that you take on the spoon and you put into the mouth of the wife if you come with an intention of course you get rewarded for it these are good deeds so if your wife you're giving to her, you're providing for her don't think you're losing wealth it's one of the greatest Sadaqah to leave to do is to provide for your family that's what the Prophet peace be upon him he mentions to Sa'ad Ibn Abi Waqas when Sa'ad was thinking that he was going to pass away and he was going to die the Prophet peace be upon him he said to him after he said Ya Rasulullah I want to give out this much of my wealth I want to give this much out of my wealth the Prophet peace be upon him he said it is better that you give it to your family than leaving them behind that you leave them to leave your family behind rich your wife and your children to leave them financially stable is better for you than to leave them behind to leave them behind poor in need and asking people for help so as a man you have to get a job brother get a job, come with the responsibility and provide for your wife and your children, you must it's a must and do it with the intention of pleasing Allah as an act of worship, not just a good deed but also Allah will give you more as a result of it because it's Sadaqah and you're giving money for his sake if the husband has wealth and the sister knows that he's got wealth and he's choosing not to provide for him to provide for her and the children, she has every right to take what she needs from his wealth without even his knowledge Hilda bint Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyan she complained to the Prophet she said Ya Rasulullah Abu Sufyan has wealth and he doesn't give he's not giving to me and I need something to eat the children need something to eat the Prophet ﷺ he said to her خُذِي مَا يَكْثِيكِ أَنتِ وَوَلَدِكِ take what suffices you and your children so the woman has every right to go into his pocket if there's money in there to take what she needs بالمعروف بالمعروف all of it, I'm saying that she takes what she needs if she knows his bank details she can transfer money from his account into her account without his knowledge but she's only allowed to take what what she needs for her and her children I think a lot of the problems that occur in marriages nowadays is not necessarily with the concept that the man provides for the wife, it really comes into the detail like a wife might want more than the husband is willing to give the husband might even have the money for example this is Israf, you don't need this much is there any rules or principles as to how much should be given no, that's all based on the custom of the people all of these things we can't, no one can really say this or that it goes back to the custom and the land, what it's like so we know, we have a rough idea of a woman in the UK how much a man should be giving to her يعني how much he should be providing for her roughly with her house, the rent and everything, we're talking about 1,500 1,000 I think between 1,200 to 1,500 that's how much a month, the utility bills the food, the rent I'm talking about London and that's how much a man would provide for his wife basically what he wants, he gives it to her and any extra money that he can keep for himself or make a saving for his family etc that amount is roughly what is it's بالمعروف do you agree? I haven't been in London for a while obviously it depends, it varies and also she's got kids obviously it needs to be more than that but yeah, around about that does the wife's background have any impact on this, for example if she's from a rich family, is she entitled that's an important point to mention if a woman's from a type of background and she's lived a particular lifestyle the man has to uphold that lifestyle for her نعم, that's important if she's lived a certain lifestyle, he knew about that he can't take her down to a lifestyle he's used to, no he has to give that woman the lifestyle that she's acquainted to, she's known she's lived her life with it brings strains to the marriage it falls under عاشرون بالمعروف, live with them in good which is the third part I really want to come to, because the first one I talked about, which is the dowry the second I talked about النفقة, the third one which is I really want to talk about because I feel like this one comes up a lot and I hope people don't take this offensively but I generally see this a lot more in the Indo-Pak community which is the issue of residency a house this is the third financial benefit financial rights that she has which is that she has the rights to be given a roof over her head the wife the man has to give her what? a roof over her head this is her حق a lot of the men, what they do is they take the easiest routes out of this and they bring the girl into her what? into their own households as in they're living with their parents and then the girl comes in, they might even have a brother there, etc and that's something a brother should should not do to his wife so does, sorry go on get your wife her own house look brother, do you know what it is? the woman needs her kingdom the house is her kingdom this is where she dresses herself up this is where she runs a ranch, this is where she controls this is her kingdom you're taking that away from her you're giving her a little room in a house and saying this is where you're going to live and this is all you have control over everything else is controlled by your mother or your sisters or your brothers she's like a baith in the house she's a guest in the house and one of the things that women look forward to is that when they get married to have their own place all their life they've lived under their fathers they've lived with their brothers and siblings when you grow up, you want to have your own place now a place where you can call home and that's what the woman needs from a man she needs him to create that for her to snatch that away from her and place her inside his parents house and then the mother runs the entire project, the entire marriage as well, controls it tells what can or can't be done again judges the wife based on what she sees expects the daughter, the wife her son's wife to cook for everybody, clean the house for everybody all of these things are wrong and it causes a lot of tension between the husband and the wife because now the wife is having an argument with the husband's mother and a lot of this can be avoided from simply moving out into your own place, at the same time the husband has to give the rights to his parents and all those things but that doesn't mean you have to live with them what's actually sad and I find it very sad is that the mothers that have gone through that themselves do it to their their daughters their son's daughters it's like a tradition their son's wife it happened to you, you saw it and you felt the pain and the suffering because of it it makes every sense for you not to ever do that to anybody but you see her doing it to her son's wife but the real person at fault here is not necessarily the mother, it's actually the husband because he has a responsibility to provide his wife with her own roof over her head so is that something that a wife can demand? yeah of course, every situation I've dealt with when these issues come up, I know it's a cultural thing I'm kind of going against and a lot of times it does cause it makes it uncomfortable for the message that I would be the imam of or the parents, people come complaining to me but I don't really it doesn't bother me what people think and how people see my verdict or my views I say it as I believe it is and I tell them, I say look brother I'm really sorry but this woman has a right for you to place a roof over her head and give her her own place, what you've given her is rude you haven't given her a she had that already by the way you see one thing I really want people to understand and I know it's going to sound a bit harsh but it's it has to be said you see, you have a daughter right now, right? your daughter and even my daughters as a father I really find that she provides for them she doesn't need that from any other man also my daughter, a roof over her head I really do that for her she's got a roof over her head, she's living in a house where she doesn't have to wear hijab she's living with her siblings and everything I really do that for her the father what you can't even do is to fulfill your daughter's sexual needs that's where the father's role ends which is something, religiously you're not allowed and mentally it doesn't make sense, it's immoral that's where the father passes his daughter over to someone else because that man who's now going to take that daughter has to do what I was doing for sure as a minimum as a minimum, you have to be doing what I'm doing and go on beyond and above me and that's why you get more rights than I do now I see that's why you're now going to get more rights than I have as a father, she has to listen to you first more than me because I could have only done these things I was limited to these things you now have come you're doing all that plus more it makes no sense that you fall shorter than what I was doing for my daughter and you expect to get more rights than me and that's where it goes back to where I asked the question about the woman's background does it have an impact on how much she's allowed and how much she's given, you said yes it does because if she was given less than what her father was providing for, then it goes back to the same problem I just mentioned so the husband has more rights than the parents that's also something that a lot of people ask these questions, who should I obey more my husband saying one thing, my father saying another my daughter the day she gets married to her husband one of the first things I'm telling her is dad he's your jannah and he's your naru he's your jannah and he's your naru through Allah when you say dad, it's the first time I hear my daughter in your culture, you call your kids what they call you when I first heard you say these things now obviously I'm used to it I don't understand, you're always making a slip of the tongue saying dad, dad, dad and I realise no, you're actually intentionally saying that now I call my children even in the old English they used to call their children dads they'll say daddy, daddy daddy can you come here the father and the kids are on both sides anyways the point is I tell my daughter my daughter yaani he's your jannah and you're naru fulfil his rights yaani, fulfil his rights these are things I'm going to nurture her so the point I'm trying to say is that, and I know automatically that she, my daughter has more to give to her husband and to take care of her husband than her parents I wouldn't expect that from mother I'm more happy she takes care of her husband and her marriage and her children, and it's not a competition between me and him I was raising her for this glorious moment in her life for her to become the best thing she can ever become which is a mother nurture the next generation that's something I think we all have to accept this is the course of life because who was I doing it for when I was raising my daughter I wasn't doing it for her to do something for me in return I was raising her for her for her, for who I want her to become in the future the people who tend to want to compete with the husband the mother that wants to compete with the husband and etc or or the daughter or the wife sorry of her son it just shows that you weren't genuine in your raising of the child you had an ulterior motive which is I'm the spotlight of everything so I also generally speaking, mothers and your wife and your sisters there's going to be friction you have to understand there's going to be friction how do you avoid that? keep a distance between them you have to be a CS you have to be very smart in how you move people out of the way if you're bringing people together and you say my mom doesn't like my wife of course she doesn't you're bringing the people together all the time your wife has had a certain upbringing she's had a what? a certain upbringing it's a cultural upbringing she's had Araf Shahid yeah you've had a certain upbringing which is a cultural upbringing by the way none of your upbringing is better than the other it's just a cultural upbringing that's your culture and that's her culture no one's right or wrong here each person's condemning the other person on what? that yours is wrong and mine is right what made yours right or mine wrong? there's no textual evidence for it we're not talking about something that contradicts the Quran or the Sunnah or something like that we're just talking about different cultures for example in our culture the man brings the dowry and provides we follow the women family also bring some money right? maybe yeah well I don't know my culture yeah they do the women have to bring some money as well for us that's a shame yeah but that is something where there's one right one wrong no the woman shouldn't be doing that she doesn't have to they want to bring that money for us culturally that's bad the man has to bring the dowry for sure does that make sense? not the dowry it's something else it's something she financially contributes towards she's not being forced to by the husband she's not being forced to but it's something they just do culturally and in your culture it's wrong the family of the woman never bring anything from a Somali perspective we're like woah you guys are good and you're going to be like what? what do you mean you guys are good? we're going to be like you guys are good I don't have to bring the money as a man I don't have to bring the money all by myself ok and we're going to look and feel sorry for you guys like oh you don't get any money? and no you're going to look at our situation as Allah Mubarak mashallah you know we have to provide everything the house, the food, everything the wedding, the dowry, everything the man has to bring all the money to the table the woman's family they don't bring anything to the table they just come to the wedding he even buys her the clothes that she wears for her wedding the house, he packs the house up, the furniture everything is here mashallah he tells her make something out of this that's it the Indo-Pak community no, the girl's family contributes something towards the I'm not really acquainted with it but somewhere I'm sure the viewers would agree with me they put money towards it where the man doesn't have to pay oh they're 50-50 on this and that wahakada now for a man that's the woah, I'm getting help, support yeah and you will look at us and say that's bad, but what's bad and what's good here is just what culture it's nothing shara'an, halal or haram does it make sense? ok we had a brief technical issue where we lost the footage but we're back now inshallah so I think what you're talking about is the cultural differences between different communities and I think you're right you're absolutely right because I remember something when I got married, my in-laws so my wife's parents and my wife's family they said we want to buy you a suit for the wedding and I said I've already got a suit I work in the office, I've got a suit they said no no we have to buy you a suit did you buy us the wedding with your uniform your office suit they looked at me like that as well nothing special, nothing different it's a suit right what's the difference between that suit and another suit to me it's all the same I thought it was a wedding suit you wear that's what they were saying, no it has to be a special outfit we have to buy it I said if you need a special outfit we can buy it I think they were like no no we have to buy it so you're right and even I think the venue for the marriage, I think the cost was split we paid half, they paid half what do you know you just said it's no right or wrong now you're like no I mean it's a no in our culture it's not right or wrong, there's nothing right or wrong here honestly if you ask me financial help who would say no to that that's not the point the point is in our culture it's no the woman and her family are literally sitting actually to be honest I'll tell you something as well there's like money you have to give to the elders as well the few people that are sitting there you just flash some money on them you know what it is about marrying a woman in the Somali culture is you have to prove your your desire, your want for this woman, financially you have to splash money even if like in the Somali culture if there's a conflict between the two spouses and things go wrong in order to fix the problem it's financial, it's so much comes back to finance it's really like the woman's family are rich, when you've got a girl Wallahi you're making good money I'll tell you if your wife just has daughters for you Wallahi you could be making real money you just see dollar signs everywhere you just see dollar signs another question, when guests come to the wedding in your culture do they give cash to the yeah yeah people say no box gives give us some cash my question to you is who's paying for that money where's that money coming from the man's side or the woman's side both sides, the guests well only the man's guests bring money yeah of course I told you the women's side they don't pay a penny but it's not them, it's the guests for example your wife invites her friend her friend wouldn't give no no no our one is Wallahi I can tell you, very Somali though this is like expensive it's expensive, a lot of wedding I think I know what you mean, so for example a couple people are coming as a guest to a wedding, they're husband and wife no the guest for us is the girl the girl's side and the man's side come together and they sit there for like an invitation segregated obviously but yeah the women are not there, it's only men the men come that day so her father, her uncles the man's father, his uncle they come there, a lot of the times it's the ones that you see sitting on the table in the wedding halls they sit at the front seat and they're like the media relatives, those ones you have to spread out some envelopes for them quickly, that envelope has got some good money in there that comes from the man's side that comes from whose side? the man's side so the Somali men tend to have to pay that towards the Somali.
But on the day of the for example you have lots of guests 200 people come to your wedding for example they're a mix, some of them are from the man's side some of them are women's side, friends, family mix, do those people bring gifts, like envelopes with cash inside for the couple? Oh yeah, definitely, that's just a gift from everybody I thought you said only the men's side of the guests this money that the man brings is part of the wedding thing he can give it behind the scenes if he wants to, which is what a lot of people do because it's too much, you can't give it to some people and not give it to other people, so he just gives out money in advance and says look you guys spread it amongst yourselves Do we have that in our culture? You know more about my culture because you deal with these people From what I've seen because things have changed in the West now right? A lot of the cultural things that are done have changed From what I've seen when I've been to a few a few that I've been to I've not seen that, I've not seen people giving money out to you I could be wrong, but I haven't seen it It might be there but I haven't seen it All I know is that the money that's spent by the man's side when it comes to marriage is that it's the full focus, the entire focus is the man's pocket How much do you want this woman? How much are you willing to put in? How much finance have you got? You have to go in in, you have to go in So the point you're making is that when you have a married couple you've got two people coming from two different cultural backgrounds. It's not necessarily saying one is right, one is wrong, but you've got two different cultures This is the point you're making, right? And also I was saying that don't think because you have a certain culture and a certain it's always right or your upbringing was like this, so it means it's right Which brings me to now another point, this point I can expand on it on something very important, which is What are the huqook ghayra maaliya? The rights that your wife has that are not financial We mentioned three financial rights that she has and what other than that? The other rights that the wife has Sorry, I'm so sorry to interject, just before we go into it because I think I've probably got about five minutes till I get to my destination We'll do that in the next journey inshallah But I've just got a question on the financial, which a lot of people might be watching at home and might ask this question You mentioned three financial rights that the wife has, which is the the mahr the right to be spent on, and the right for her own place to live Someone might be saying, and we're not talking about the culture now, we're talking about the deen, the religious rights Someone might say, isn't that making marriage very difficult? I'm a young guy for example, I'm 17, 18 years old I need to get married but I can't because I can't give my wife a right to her own place and all of these other things that you're telling me to How would you respond to that question? So there's two responses, the first response is that it might be hard for you in one part of the world and not another part of the world So for example if you're a Somali, I'm sure you can go Somali and probably get a wife for a better price in the wedding and everything and all of that and you can find that maybe It doesn't mean that the women in the West have to change theirs, it doesn't have to be Though one place is hard for you, then go to another place The second is, the Prophet told us The Prophet said O youths, whoever from amongst you is able to get married to, then get married and anyone of you who is not able to get married so if you're not able to, you don't have the financial ability to do all of that which we mentioned then fast upon you is to what? Upon you is to what? To fast. Fasting will cast straight your desires So what we've mentioned by the way is not extravagant we just mentioned the bare minimum a man needs to do Yeah, the stuff that we mentioned about the wedding and this, that's all cultural it's not part of the Deen, we're just saying that I don't want people to think that, oh I have to do this, I have to do this It was only the three things you mentioned at the start those three things, and even those three things it's not like it has to be extravagant mahr or anything like that So what's your I'm just interested now, what are your thoughts on the concept of a young person, maybe he's doing a university degree for example, he really wants to get married he knows his sister at university, they both want to get married to each other, but to be honest with you they can't live in their own place have you ever thought about this concept of they just get the Nikah done, they get married they still live with their parents but they meet up on the weekends they meet in the evenings, they go out to restaurants There's benefits in it, there's harms in it I've seen both, I've seen people do that, but for example, the man doesn't take the responsibility in age serious he just never wants to bring her in yeah he's used to this lifestyle so she's always at her parents house because he's not fully committed to it he's just enjoying it now and she's just enjoying it to basically move on to what's the word I'm looking for to transit from that that position to a full commitment it's hard to do once you're used to intimately, sexually fulfilling yourself, and she's at her parents house, and you don't really need to provide for her how do you then move on from that to now you have to pay for rent now you have to pay for utility bills now you have to pay this a lot of men can't do that and I've seen that with my yeah, I've seen it so that's the harm that also comes from it and a lot of sisters feel like they've sold themselves short they feel like they've sold themselves short Allah knows best ok, I'll just reach, we're going to have to stop the call now just reach my location, and inshallah we'll carry on in another trip ok, so we're back in the car, and we were talking about the responsibilities of a husband and the rights of a wife and you mentioned three financial responsibilities so far so you mentioned the mehr, or the dowry you mentioned the nafqa, which is the spending that the husband has to spend on his wife and then finally you mentioned the right to the residence, kind of like living, the wife has a right to her own house, her own roof overhead now, let's talk about some non-financial responsibilities that the husband is obliged to provide what kind of things go into the so there's three, again because we mentioned three financially, we're going to mention three which are not financial rights so the first one is if a man is married to multiple women as we know in Islam, a man can marry up to four he's allowed to marry them shara'an in the sharia and they are his wives, and he has to be just and fair towards them Islam wants justice to come from this, the man has to be fair between all three of his wives or two of his wives, or four of his wives has to be fair between them, if he's married to multiple women, and inshallah ta'ala the issue of polygamy, is it even sunnah what is the ruling regarding it the discussion, is it something that a Muslim should do in the 21st century, and discussions related to that I think inshallah we should make a whole podcast because it's so much things are connected to it the second rights that I want to focus on is the issue of al-mu'ashara bi-zawjati bil-ma'roof al-mu'asharati bil-ma'roof, living with your wife in good Allah says in the Qur'an, wa-ashiruhuna bil-ma'roof live with your spouses in good the husband is instructed in this verse, to live with his wife in good, wa-ashiruhuna bil-ma'roof after that Allah says something very powerful, he said, fa-in kareetumuhuna fa-asa an takrahu shay'an wa yaj'alallahu fihi khayran kathira if you dislike something about your wife, there's something she has she has a trait, type of characteristic you do not like about her, it's annoying you all the time, it keeps coming back every now and then then always remember that maybe Allah might put barakah and khair in it for you, by being with this woman fa-asa an takrahu shay'an wa yaj'alallahu fihi khayran kathira and Allah might make in it a lot of good also the Prophet ﷺ had told us and explained to us, in a hadith he said akmalul mu'mineena imana ahsanuhum khuluqaa the best of mu'min, the one who is the completest in his iman, is the one who has the best manners, best akhlaq his mannerism is amazing the way he carries himself, the way he is the way his personality is, very forgiving he has a blind eye that's a characteristic of a believer, and many other good qualities that a believer has then look what the Prophet ﷺ said after that he said ahsanuhum khairukum khairukum li ahli and the best from amongst you is the one who is the best for his family, in another way the Prophet ﷺ said khairukum khairukum li ahli wa ana khairukum li ahli the best from amongst you is the one who is the best for his family and I am the one who is the best for his family than all of you ﷺ so the ayah wa ashiruhunna bil ma'ruf live with your spouse in good have a good relationship with them be very merciful kind, forgiving appreciate what they do for you I ask Allah he gives us those qualities so Islam obviously emphasises the importance of a man being good to his wife I just want to go back to what you mentioned before about the issue of polygyny, and you said that one of the most important things here is that the man treats all of his multiple wives fairly and justly, now obviously financial goes into that, what other things could fall into that so as I said before the issue of polygyny or polygamy, I want to speak about it in great details, I want to make a whole entire discussion over it and go into it in more details because it's a topic that comes up a lot and I want to talk about the pros and the cons in this current time, practising it how the places that people practise it in the hikam of the sharia are related to it advices that scholars have given regarding it things to expect, things that you should tolerate wahakada, I think inshallah wa ta'ala I want to talk about it in great details but finance is of course one of those things, if you can't financially provide for your first wife, of course you can't get married to a second wife, that's number one number two, physically if you're not able to fulfill your first wife's sexual needs for example, you're not allowed to go and get married to a second wife if you're forsaken, you're as a man you're struggling to fulfill your first wife's sexual needs, then of course you can't go for a second or even a third wife when you haven't fulfilled the first one and many other things also time is the right that the wife has, no doubt for example, you're short in fulfilling the first wife's time you're unable to give her her time of course we want to talk about what is the bare minimum a man needs to give to his wife and the scholars what they mention regarding it that's another, inshallah wa ta'ala I think comes under the topic of polygyny, we want to talk about inshallah wa ta'ala but if you're falling short on your first wife's time, are you even allowed to get married to a second wife, or a third wife, all of these things have to be taken into consideration inshallah wa ta'ala let's go back to the ayah I want to mention ways that, sorry no no, I was going to ask what does mean, and just let's talk a little bit about this so now I want to speak about ways in which a man can live with his wife in good, one of those things akhi is having ya'ani, at-talatuf bil-qawl when you speak, you speak in a good manner towards your spouse your words are very good also you give inaya you give consideration to your appearance, the way you look, it was narrated from Abdillah ibn Abbas radiallahu ta'ala when it came to the ayah he used to say inni la uhibbu an at-tazayyana lil-mar'ah kama uhibbu an at-tazayyana lil-mar'ah Abdillah ibn Abbas radiallahu ta'ala he used to say I love to beautify myself for my wife the way that I like her to beautify herself for me inshallah I kind of touched on this before which is beautification is um it's more than just hygiene it's more than what? just hygiene ya'ani if the it's on the middle side if the husband is not showering it's an issue of hygiene here, it's not an issue of beautification if the husband is not cutting his nails and is not ya'ani cutting his pubic hair and armpit hair and everything, this is a hygiene issue beautification is more than that it's the rights that the wife has on you to neater up your hair to shorten your hair and all these things is wa'ashiruhuna bil ma'ruf when you go home you wear stinky clothes and you smell a certain way it doesn't fall under wa'ashiruhuna bil ma'ruf that your wife only feels attracted to you when you're on the streets and you're out there to do something that's the only time she sees you beautiful and it's wadahi, we fall short on this many of us that if we have to go out there and go to a meeting, we make ourselves look good we groom ourselves we beautify ourselves for 4-5 days we've been at home and our partner had to endure all of that seeing the way you look and the way you seem so you're falling short when it comes to wa'ashiruhuna bil ma'ruf I think a lot of people as we did in the previous episode they speak about how important this is for a woman for a wife to do but a lot of people they forget that also just as important as the statement of Abdullah ibn Abbas like he said just for the woman it's also something that he would like to do for his wife as well so a lot of people I think they tend to emphasize it on the woman's part and then neglect it on the man's part and I think it's important to mention we did speak a lot about beautification in the previous episode so anyone who hasn't seen that yet they can go back to that inshallah also playing and laughing and joking with your family is permissible it's actually a good thing the Prophet ﷺ illustrated that for us his wife Aisha radiallahu ta'ala in one of his travels he raced with her ﷺ he told the sahabas all of you go forward you have to imagine this is a whole entire army he tells all of them go and then his wife to make her happy because hey let's race and they raced ﷺ and Aisha radiallahu ta'ala she beats the Prophet ﷺ she beats him in a race so the Prophet ﷺ he lost that race he took it he laughed a few years or a while went by and then he asked Aisha radiallahu ta'ala for another race and then she she raced with him and this is a time when Aisha radiallahu ta'ala she was a bit older than she was before so she lost and then the Prophet ﷺ started laughing and he said to Aisha this one for the first one what's amazing in the hikmah in there is that he made it fair I won once you won once because if you win sometimes you feel guilty and if you lose you feel pain right but when you both win it's nice he did make a third one and it's sad because some people might think that's not a lot what you mentioned in the story but some people don't even like their wives challenging them in anything they can't see their wife beat them in something like the ego very egotistically some people they won't admit like ok I was wrong ok but you know what you got that right or you won this and I lost full of ego too much pride that we have but the Prophet ﷺ here gave us a good example that it makes them very happy there's certain things in Islam which really bring a smile to the face because you think these are things that people would do as pastimes or do it as enjoyment and just with the correct intention it becomes an act of worship becomes something rewardable for example playing with your family, playing with your kids this is something that everyone loves to do, they enjoy it and as long as you come with that correct intention that piece of enjoyment now has now become an act of worship that you get rewarded for it's fascinating also another thing is the three A's that I mention a lot giving your wife attention a lot of us brothers Allah preserve us and forgive us we fall short in giving a lot of attention to our wives it's true so she's putting in efforts and hard work and we don't recognize it like we don't, no attention to it she's changed her clothes she's got something else, she's done something to herself for you and there's no attention on your side you're preoccupied with your gadgets you're preoccupied with your this and that your work we fall guilty on all of that I know I do likewise and this is very detrimental for your relationship and it really does in some way can go against that the man doesn't give any attention to his wife this woman left her family for you she's living with you under the same roof and there's no attention that's coming from you and sometimes wallahi be honest with you conflicts actually start because of that that's the only way she gets your attention the only time you actually speak back to her is when she kicks off a fuss and she fights at you then she realizes that's the only time so sometimes she does it so often and you're thinking to yourself why are you doing this that's the only way she can get your attention and you're the cause of the problem and you're the cause of the problem you're thinking you're always picking on me you're always fighting with me I didn't do anything to you it's not what you've done to her it's what you're not doing for her does that make sense I think another thing that comes into this especially when you talk about people who are really focused on their career or really passionate about the work they're doing they might have a really stressful day at home and they come back their wife might be looking forward to them coming home all day waiting for their husband to return and as soon as the husband returns he's so braindead and so stressed it's almost like he takes it out on the wife not takes it out on her but she doesn't get the best part of him at the end of the day he's so tired he doesn't want to do anything he doesn't want to talk you know what I mean I know some people for example they'll come back from work and they're not able to leave work at work and home at home the two mix together and then suddenly the home life becomes worse because he's always thinking about work and he can't that's why people like that polygamy is very bad for us you put yourself in there polygamy is bad for people like yeah my character is like that as well people who tend to have whatever happens to them they can't separate things if you're outside life you're outside life and the work and the people you're dealing with if their problem is coming to you at home and you can't close it there and deal with your family and then you can't do that then you can't do it in polygamy as well that's a very good point I know for example sometimes we get emails from people emailing at our inbox and I know how much it affects you it's like you take on their problem yeah and you're right if you've got two wives for example or even more than two wives you might have a problem with one wife and then suddenly you go back to the first wife and you can't leave that problem with the second wife and you're thinking about it and you're down because of that what you need to learn is you've taken stress from this place that doesn't mean the other person needs to suffer you need to smile and laugh and pretend like nothing is happening that's the reality you need to leave everything at the door and that's very hard because this person deserves attention from you they deserve an attention from you the second A is appreciation you need to appreciate this person for all the things they're doing for you وإن كان صغير even if it's very little one of the qualities of a Muslim is that he shows gratitude Allah says سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى لَإِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ وَلَإِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِي لَشَدِيدٍ Allah Ta'ala mentions to us لَإِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ if you show gratitude Allah will increase it for you gratitude is one of the qualities of the believer the Prophet said in another hadith مَن صَلَعَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَعْرُوفًا فَكَافِعُوهُ فَإِن لَّمْ تَجِدُوا بِمَا تُكَافِعُونَ فَبْعُولَهُ if someone does you good reward them thank them for it مَن صَلَعَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَعْرُوفًا فَكَافِعُوهُ someone did something good for you be thankful for what they've done for you show gratitude فَإِن لَّمْ تَجِدُوا بِمَا تُكَافِعُونَ if you can't find something to repay this person back with then make dua for them some brothers they actually love their wives they appreciate what their wives are doing but they don't mention the appreciation to the wife they tell it to other people yeah, I know what you mean they genuinely do appreciate the wife but they don't know how to express it to the wife they just express it to other people yeah, and she's hearing it from other people like, oh wow, your husband's been talking to my wife he's been telling how much he appreciates you she's like, really? I didn't know that he's never ever said that to me and that's not what it means it means you tell this person جَزَاكَ اللَّهُ خَيْرًا بَارَكَ اللَّهُ فِيكِ وَلِذَٰلِكَ سُبْحَانَ اللَّهِ lack of appreciation and makes a woman feel يعني unwanted literally he doesn't want me he's probably contemplating on leaving me it gets so bad for a woman not getting appreciation from her husband good words if you speak to a lot of women one of their biggest love languages is actually word of affirmation if it's not first, it's on the second it's between quality time and word of affirmation a lot of the times women really admire a man who can give her quality time and word of affirmation tell her what she means, how important she is in his life what she means, all of that word of affirmation and also the concept of quality time the third and final one is affection this is the hardest one for a lot of brothers to be affectionate it's not hard but we're made to feel like it's hard because the community, the society have made a man who has affection towards his wife he's whipped he's feminine he's even brothers will joke about it if a man is very affectionate to his wife they will laugh at him which is dangerous we spoke about it in the beginning it's this form of it's a satanic path that you're treading on trying to destroy a people's relationship if you see a man and a wife loving each other a lot make dua for them and tell them this is something good Allah keep it up, literally keep it up don't let this go I like what you guys have here make dua for me in my life I wish Allah gives us this affection affection is very important and the Prophet ﷺ used to express that a lot and one of the times that the woman really needs affection and that's the time she's very emotional is when she's on her period when she's on her menstruation a lot of women feel very down and low what was narrated? at the time when his wife Aisha or any one of his wives she was on her menstruation the Prophet ﷺ would he would play with her he would laugh and play and joke and kiss keeping in mind the culture at that time and the way that the people were is a woman is not kissed don't even go far I actually once sat with one of my uncles back home in my country and we were talking and we were youngsters we talk about romance and hugging and what not and we brought up the concept of kissing and he goes my father's brothers you're talking about during menstruation or ever? yes I've never kissed a woman in my life or my kids he's never kissed his own children yeah right? so it's if you look at the elder generation some of them are raw like that they don't kiss, they don't hug, they don't affection at all the woman she's like a a factory like an employee basically she's like a factory I'll tell you a funny story it's a funny joke it's a funny story I don't know if it's true or not but there was a man they said he was excessively stingy and his wife one day she complained to the Qadi the judge she said the judge I have a problem with my husband I can't stay with this man anymore the Qadi said why? she said I've been married to this man for 11 years and we've had intimacy only only 7 times or 8 times how can I stay in a relationship like that? he's not intimate at all he's not affectionate at all and he's not even intimate he does his thing, I do my thing 11 years we've been married and he has been only intimate 6 or 7 or 8 times the Qadi said is it true? he said yes Qadi it's true he said what's the situation? he said I've been married to this woman for 11 years 7 of those intimate relationships we had I have 7 children where did she take the 8th one? the 8th relationship we had where did that go? there's no kid there there's no kid she wants to waste my energy so the story might not be real but the concept is real there are some people who the elderly generation the woman owning intimacy was for children that's how they saw it this is a woman, she needs your attention she needs affection, appreciation, none of that existed so you have to understand when the Prophet is doing at the culture at the society, Bedouins we're talking about the Bedouins are very hard people very very hard people we see it sometimes the people are fixing things that's how it is they're hard and tough and their endurance so the Prophet was teaching that society and those to come after that you have to be affectionate no I can't it's so true the man we saw today I gave him some water as if I didn't do anything he's like, no thank you which I didn't mind but yeah it's true it shows the different personalities Allah even mentioned in the Quran the Bedouins are the strongest the hardest when it comes to disbelief their hearts are very hard so a lot of our Somali culture and back if you look at it there's lack of affection lack of affection and it plays a big role in putting pressure on the marriage especially on the wife's side and the women if you look at even the elderly mothers, they're very tough people they're very tough strong tough the way they're built because of that kind of but that's how it's meant to be and it's passed down through generations like that marriage, the husband and wife where there's no affection there the kids are then seeing that and thinking that's how marriage should be and they're also not getting affection because the parents aren't showing them I was speaking to a brother from your culture in fact he was saying, for most of my life I was about 21 now I really thought marriage was just like an employer employee thing that's what I thought it was because that's how I saw my parents I didn't realise that there's meant to be love and affection there even you know, subhanallah even if you look at the relationship between the wife and the husband before I mention that I want to mention a story there was an auntie of mine, she was advising her daughter on just the wedding day she was advising her and telling her things and the advice that she was giving, my jaw dropped this is the mindset people have when it comes to marriage she said, my daughter she took her to her daughter she was saying to her, oh my daughter know that when you get married I'm listening that there is no marriage except that you have to basically fill your pillow with tears every marriage is built on that that's just when she's about to get married that's the advice she gives her mother what do you mean? yeah, basically it's torture, you have to be patient I understand if she says marriage is good, it gives her all the ups and downs and it tells her endurance is needed but to start the advice with that number one and to really, she kept drilling that one that main point what is that woman waiting for in that marriage other than what, disaster you're going to cry, you're going to be a victim that's wrong from the get go and it weakens that woman it destroys her as a person it makes her expect this in a marriage no but what I do understand is every single person you deal with in life you're going to get hurt, of course not just marriage, but in every interaction every dealings that you do with humans generally speaking, there are ups and downs you don't destroy relationships just like that you show patience, resilience and etc I understand that a man should not base if he hates something that he sees in his wife then look at all the other good that she has your wife has 3, 4, 5 traits that you don't like about her but look at the 100 good qualities that she has the poet he said who do you think on this earth is free from faults or problems or shortcomings there isn't when you tell me you've been married for 10 years and you and your wife, you fell out and then ok and the problems has only been 5 things it's only 5 problems that you've had in this marriage or 5 issues come on man that's good man look at the positive, it's only 5 things you've been married for 10 years no one is perfect and every single person has had their own upbringing I've had my upbringing shahid, you've had your upbringing when we come into the house we need to realize no one's upbringing is divine law from Allah I need to compromise on some things that I was told was right and you need to also compromise on some things that you were told was right we spoke in last episode about some of those expectations of marriage being completely unrealistic because you're not taking it from the Quran so now you're rather taking it from Bollywood or Hollywood you know it's funny what you said about the marriage the advice that the mother gave her daughter about this is going to be hardship, it's going to be a pillow full of tears and stuff like that I remember someone saying back in the day in marriage there are 3 rings in marriage there are 3? 3 rings they said and this is obviously non-Muslim stuff but they said it's the engagement ring it's the wedding ring and it's suffering that's what they say I remember someone saying that to me so yeah this concept of marriage is doom and gloom, it doesn't have to be like that and it shouldn't be like that but some people do go into marriage thinking like that InshaAllah I think that's the main point I wanted to mention there's only one I wanted to add on then we've spoken a lot obviously I think one common problem and I'd really like your advice on this actually is that a lot of the times that I feel from friends that I speak to, other brothers that I speak to, they tend to find the disparity in the husband's level of Iman and the wife's level of Iman and generally as a general rule obviously it's not saying everyone's like this but as a general rule they find that the man's Iman is normally higher than the woman's and a lot of them speaking to these brothers a lot of them they say is that my wife for example is so stressed at home she's looking after the kids, she's there all day when I'm out I'm actually speaking about the deen, I'm speaking to other brothers I might be seeking knowledge, I'm going to a lecture I'm going to rent my Iman, so my Iman is increasing increasing but my wife has just staying the same if not going down because she's so stressed at home looking after the kids have you experienced this? people telling you this? the thing I advise is again doing it with your spouse, like literally going to those halaqat, if they're facilities for females, take your family with you, Habibi every single step you're taking in Akhira and Jannah bring your family in do not dismiss them if you're going to listen to a lecture come come come, let's listen to this together if you're going to memorize books come come, I'll memorize this, you want to memorize this? come come, memorize it with me okay, that's very important sometimes it could happen that the wife may not want to learn from you okay no problem, I'll facilitate somebody for you, I'll get a teacher, he'll teach you appreciate the little work that she does, encourage her wow, I never thought you were going to get that you're really surpassing my expectations of what I thought and encourage her, children are also a means for knowledge when you're teaching your children and you're both invested in teaching the children, educating the children, yes this pushes you to your potentials as well, if you have kids maybe when they're very young and they're not studying yet maybe that might be an issue, but once they start speaking and they start engaging in education, you and your partner are going to both have to be involved, right? also, let the Qur'an be on in the house, let lectures be playing in the house, in the background when the wife is cooking and etc also there's another point I wanted to mention, this is good as well also helping in the household very important, right? some brothers are very like he passes the kitchen and he's going upstairs and his wife is upstairs and he tells her to come down and get him water from the kitchen have Rahma you just passed the kitchen go get it yourself and honestly even that though the wife should serve her husband but that shouldn't be abused you're a man take your responsibility to do it yourself to an extent but to abuse that to the extent especially when she has kids for you and she's nurturing the kids, taking care of the kids you have to start taking off some of your responsibilities for the sake of the children for the sake of the children and that's something I feel like people do also another last point I want to mention is that a lot of the times when conflicts happen between partners one or two or both parties, or maybe one of the parties might go and tell their problems to someone else when a lot of people get involved in your family issue expect a lot of the times for it to get worse so many people are involved in your problem trust me brothers and sisters take this from me it's hard to really solve the problem because guess what can happen both parties can reconcile and solve the problem but then everybody is still talking about it you've put out so much unnecessary information that sometimes you can't even come back from so don't talk to the people about your problems if you feel like you can't be with this person dissolve the marriage if you want to you want to leave, whether it be the wife or the husband just talking and gossiping and this and that, leave it especially if there are children involved if you've got children for one another, respect each other and understand that you know what it is meant to be this Allah Ta'ala talking it could cause a greater problem especially when we talk about the general problems and the arguments that generally just naturally occur in a marriage, there's nothing too serious for those things, what will normally happen is in a couple of days time the husband and wife will forgive each other and move on, it's like it's nothing as soon as you put it out there other people are talking about it, they're also going to have negative opinions like for example the mother-in-law is now thinking bad of the husband because she's thinking you did this to my daughter and she can't forgive him, all of these things obviously if it's a more serious issue then of course as Allah says in the Quran you might have to appoint a mediator from her side it's different, we're talking about the general at that time when the mediator comes in the mediator is remember each person has a representation for them those people are going to talk but it's not one person dealing with the whole situation from one side a lot of the times, let's be fair it's not the girl's family who tries to destroy the marriage because a lot of the times it's not in their benefit for their daughter to be divorced a lot of the times it's the boy's side of the family who tend to create a bigger problem that generally happens a lot in the cases that I've come across and I've seen the boy's family are really causing a lot of havoc they're just saying things, they even say to the son, you can't go back to that woman is she not the one who treated you in this way, are you really serious going to go back to her in the beginning people shouldn't have spoken too much about these issues okay I believe a lot, to be honest both parties sit down and communicate with one another majority of the times they can solve their problems they can solve their problems because it's them who are who both are suffering from whatever they're suffering from the other person, if both of you are unable to talk because one person doesn't want to listen and the other one then get a person who's unbiased a sheikh, your local imam or somebody who will let you both talk who's on nobody's side, they'll let the brother talk, they'll let the sister talk and he'll be a means for you to both communicate to one another and Allah has a greater knowledge JazakAllah khair ustad, really appreciate it that's a two part series on marriage inshaAllah we'll be back in the car another day and we'll deal with another topic inshaAllah JazakAllah khair ustad Alhamdulillah Astaghfirullah wa atubu ilayk
