Note: The following transcript was generated using AI and may contain inaccuracies.
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and upon his family and his companions. Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh to all the brothers and sisters tuning in at home to another episode of Aabdus Sabeelin. Once again, I'm joined by Ustad Rahman Hassan. Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. How are you doing, Ustad? Alhamdulillah (Praise be to Allah), I'm good, mashaAllah (as Allah has willed). I think this is our fourth episode together, if I'm not mistaken. And it's a follow-up episode from what we discussed last time. So, if you remember, last time we were discussing the characteristics of a righteous wife. We were talking about the responsibilities of a wife and the rights of a husband. We're now going to flip it and actually do the opposite. We're going to be talking about the characteristics of a righteous husband. So, now we're talking about the responsibilities of a husband and the rights of a wife. I would definitely recommend people to watch the episode on the characteristics of a righteous wife if they haven't done so already, because we mentioned a lot in the introduction, which we're not going to repeat here. Therefore, this will probably be a shorter episode. Not because we're not targeting the husbands as much as the wives, but because we already laid down about half an hour to 45 minutes of introduction on where to take the guidelines for a righteous wife or husband, a righteous marriage, a happy marriage, etc. We also spoke about marriage in general throughout that episode. So I definitely recommend people to watch that first if they haven’t done so already, and then come back to this one, inshaAllah (if Allah wills). So today, we’re going to be talking about the characteristics of a righteous husband. Where would you like to start? Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen (All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds), wa salatu wa salamu ala asharaf al anbiya wal mursaleen (and peace and blessings be upon the noblest of Prophets and Messengers), Sayyidina wa nabiyyina Muhammad (our leader and our Prophet Muhammad), wa ala alihi wa ashabihi wa tabi'ina lahum bihsani ila yawmi deena (and upon his family, companions, and those who follow them in goodness until the Day of Judgment). When it comes to the rights that the wife has over the husband, the scholars categorize them into two. There are huqooq (rights) that she has, which are maaliyya (financial rights). The financial rights are three: The first one is the mihr (dowry) that the man has to give. And Allah Ta'ala (the Most High) spoke about that in the Qur'an. "Give the women their dowry," in another verse Allah Ta'ala says, wa atuhunna ujurahunna bil ma'ruf (And give them their dowries in a reasonable manner). In another verse, Allah Ta'ala says, wa uhilla lakum ma waraa dhalikum an tabtaghu bi amwalikum muhsinina ghayra musafihina famastamta'tum bihi minhuna fa atuhunna ujurahunna (And it is lawful for you to seek them [in marriage] with your wealth, desiring chastity, not fornication, and you give them their dowries). These verses all mention that the wife has the right to her mihr, a dowry that’s agreed upon before the nikah (marriage) is done. She states it in that moment that this is the amount for her dowry, and the man has to either agree or disagree. The woman has the right to give up her dowry if she wishes. If she says, "I want half of what I requested, I want this much from it, or I want that much from it," she has every right to do so. If she does change her dowry, then, as you know, Allah says in the Qur'an to the women, ya ayyuhal-ladhina aamanu awfu bil uqud (O you who have believed, fulfill the covenants and promises you make). But the mihr, if she doesn’t change it, if she keeps it as it is, then the man is obligated to give the woman her dowry. She also has the right to ask for it before any consummation happens. So, he gives it to her here, and then everything happens. That’s the first financial right. You can’t just marry a woman and not expect a dowry to be paid. So let’s talk about this in a little more detail. This is actually a religious matter, not a cultural thing; it’s a religious thing. In your experience, though, has culture played a part in making the dowry much bigger than it should be? Is there any guidance about how large the dowry should be? So, the best of the women, as we mentioned before, the Prophet ﷺ mentions that the best of women is the one with the least dowry in terms of the marriage process. The woman with the least dowry is the best, in terms of the marriage. But that doesn't mean she has to have the least dowry. She can set it as high as she wishes. The dowry has no limitations, and no one can limit it. The husband has the right to accept or refuse the dowry; it’s an agreement they can come to. Islam honors this woman. She can say, "This is how much I want," and the man has the right to either accept or decline. What tends to happen a lot is that sometimes the sister doesn’t even want this large dowry, but the family gets involved, and Allah removes the barakah (blessings) from a lot of marriages because of that. What do you want? Do you want a good husband who will take care of your daughter? Is that more important to you, or is the money that you receive more important? This is something you have to ask yourself: What is it that you are looking for for your daughter? Are you looking for a man who fears Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala (Glory be to Him) and who will fulfill the rights of his wife, or are you just looking for a man who will pay money, but who might treat your daughter poorly? The truth of the matter is, many people say, "I want a man who looks after my daughter, takes good care of her." The sister feels the same. She wants a brother who will look after her and care for her. So, if that’s the case, the dowry isn’t really what brings that about. Actually, it’s the opposite, as the Prophet ﷺ told us. But again, she has every right to set her dowry as much as she wishes and say, "This is how much I want it to be." In my culture, if the man comes and says to his wife, "I'm going to give you your dowry," she feels like he’s divorcing her. She will ask, "Are you divorcing me? You don’t want me anymore." What do you mean by giving her her dowry? Give her her dowry back? No. If the woman is given her dowry in my culture—my Somali culture—this is often what happens. They don’t give the dowry at the beginning. They only give it when they’re divorcing her. Oh really? Yeah, yeah. They give it to her when they’re divorcing her. That’s when the dowry is spoken about. It’s never mentioned before marriage. So, you agree on the dowry before you get married? Throughout the whole marriage, it’s not given to the wife? No. And if the husband says, "Here’s your dowry," the wife thinks he’s divorcing her? Yeah. I didn’t know that. She’ll say, "Why are you mentioning that?" That’s bad, that’s wrong. He has every right to give it to you in the marriage, and you have every right to ask for it during the marriage. If you need your money, that’s your money.
You have every right to say, "I need my money now." A lot of women ask for it, they demand the dowry when? When they're at the time of divorce only. When they want to leave, they say, "Give me my dowry now. I want my dowry now." Or if the man wants the divorce, she goes, "My dowry now. Give me my dowry." Because she knows he probably can't give it now, etc. The issue of dowry has nothing to do with divorce or not. It's your right in wealth, and you can still love one another.
Some men make their wives feel very bad when it comes to the dowry, to the extent that the woman, she never asks for her dowry. Every time she brings it up, he'll say to her, "Me? Me? Like, you're only with me for money? Is that all you think about when you see me? Your dowry?" He makes her feel guilty to the point where she doesn't even ask for it. She never asks for it. She doesn't even ask for it. She doesn't want it. She doesn't desire it. And it's just something she does not have in her mind. Again, that's something wrong. That's something what? It's something wrong.
So, the first one is the dowry. Number two...
So the second financial right is nafaqah (النفقات), the financial provision. That's interesting. I think in my culture, what tends to happen is what we were discussing earlier, where the family would get involved, and they'd put a ridiculous price, almost like a pride thing, like, "No, we're not going to let our daughter get married unless it's less than this," and they might even speak to other family relatives, "How much was your dowry?" or "This dowry," and it's like a competition thing. And then what that results in, inevitably, is, like you said, that you end up rejecting a righteous man who'd actually look after your daughter better, and you'll go for the one who has a higher dowry, and ultimately, you just sacrifice the happiness of your daughter just for this.
That's so true. That's true. Whenever, you know, people look at things from a monetary benefit or they look at it from a worldly benefit, it tends to push away the akhira (الآخرة) a lot of the times. And of course, wallahi (والله), we can't dismiss that there are men who've paid great amounts of money for their wives and have lived a good marriage. It doesn't mean it won't work, but it's just that it's not the majority of situations. Also, the second right that she has financially is nafaqah (النفقات), the man financially provides for her.
Allah Ta'ala (سبحانه وتعالى) mentions, وَعَلَى الْمَوْلُودِ لَهُ رِزْقُهُنَّ وَكِسْوَةُهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ (And upon the father is the provision for them [the mother and child] and their clothing in a reasonable manner). There are two things that need to be done here: لِيُنفِقْ ذُو سَعَةٍ مِّن سَعَةِهِ وَمَن قُدِرَ عَلَيْهِ رِزْقُهُ فَلْيُنفِقْ مِمَّا آتَاهُ اللَّهُ (Let the wealthy man spend from his wealth, and whoever has limited means, let him spend from what Allah has given him).
The man has to provide two things in the nafaqah (النفقات) — food, what she eats, and what she clothes herself with, what she wears. It's bad and it's wrong for a man to be out and about eating, and his wife has nothing to eat at home. He hasn't bought any shopping for her, and he hasn’t provided for her financially so that she can have something to eat outside. So he's going outside, eating by himself, and she's at home, having nothing to eat.
There are a lot of men who don't even provide for their wives at all, and the government provides for their wives. He's actually working, he's got the money, and the government's providing for his wife and his children. He’s going to be asked Yawmul Qiyamah (يوم القيامة) about this. If he's got the ability to do so and he's not providing for his wife, he's going to be asked about it Yawmul Qiyamah, he's going to be questioned Yawmul Qiyamah, he's going to be interrogated for it Yawmul Qiyamah.
If the wife doesn't get this from financial and monetary gain, it has to come from the man. It's a religious obligation. And a lot of sisters are letting the men off the hook for this. They let their man off; they're not putting pressure, they're not taking their rights in this, and they're trying to take from the man things that are not their rights. So she's taking money from the British government, or the American or the Canadian government, whatever government it is. They're giving them the money, the welfare or what is called the income tax, what's called child benefits — all of these benefits the government pays out. The women are taking that, and the husband is there, he's a taxi driver, he's an Uber driver, he's this, he's that, he's making money, and he's not providing for his wife.
Allah is not bringing any harmony to this marriage because there’s haram income coming into the house. The income is haram, of course it's haram. The income that's coming into the house, the government is giving on the basis that this woman is a single mother, and she's married. She’s got a husband, and her husband actually works, he’s got a job, he’s working 9 to 5, and she’s not taking her wealth from the government.
If the man hasn’t got the money and he’s financially low at that moment, or etc., that’s another discussion. We’re talking about someone who has the ability to. And like you said, the issue of the dowry — the woman has a right to give it up. Does the woman have the right to give this right up if she says, “It’s okay, I have my own money, I don’t need money from you”? Or not? Does a man have to give the money? She can, but she can't take it from haram means, of course, if she's wealthy, she's from a wealthy family, or she’s got a lot of savings. She can, by the way, this concept of nafaqah (النفقات), providing for your wife, it doesn’t matter whether she’s rich or not. She can be a billionaire, and you might have a 9 to 5 job, you’re just making minimum wages, you still have to provide for her if she wants that, of course.
What she makes doesn’t come under the shared wealth in Islam, it doesn’t come under what the husband and wife share. So her money is her money, 100% her money, and the husband’s money is shared by both. They share it, the wife and the husband share it. Even that, I need to explain. When I say sharing, I don’t mean that the man takes half and the wife and the five kids all take half. That’s another thing I want to point out — no, it’s not, it makes no logical sense. You taking half by yourself and your four kids, and your wife, or your three kids and your wife, or however many kids she has, for you all to be taking the same amount that you’re taking. That’s not what it means here. What it means is that you can share with them the food that you bring, we all eat it together.
And one of the worst traits for a person to have, one of the worst traits that an individual can be tested with, is to be stingy. Stinginess is a trait that takes away from a person any form of leadership. They say the Prophet ﷺ (صلى الله عليه وسلم) never ever removed a person from a position when he had contracts with the non-Muslims, and when he took contracts with non-Muslims, he never removed anyone from their position from the non-Muslims and said, “Step down,” except one individual. They said he told him to step down because he was just too stingy. He wasn’t providing for his people, he wasn’t circulating the wealth properly.
If you look at the Prophet’s (ﷺ) granddad, Abdul Muttalib, one of the things Quraysh loved about him, the traits that he had, was what? Giving, generosity, and taking care financially. One of the greatest qualities a man can have is to be very open-handed, to be open-handed to provide, to give to your children, to your wife. It’s a good quality, and it’s a good trait.
A man who bickers with his wife over pennies and pounds, he bickers with her over these little things, it's not a good trait. And for a man to spend on his family, does that count as Sadaqah (صدقة)? Of course, it does. Of course, it does. Even the rice that you take on the spoon and you put into the mouth of your wife, if you come with an intention, of course, you get rewarded for it. These are good deeds.
So if your wife, you're giving to her, you're providing for her, don’t think you’re losing wealth. It’s one of the greatest Sadaqah to leave, to do, is to provide for your family. That’s what the Prophet (ﷺ) mentions to Sa'ad Ibn Abi Waqas when Sa'ad was thinking that he was going to pass away and he was going to die. The Prophet (ﷺ) said to him after he said, “Ya Rasulullah, I want to give out this much of my wealth. I want to give this much out of my wealth.” The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “It is better that you give it to your family than leaving them behind.” That you leave them behind rich — your wife and your children — to leave them financially stable is better for you than to leave them behind poor, in need, and asking people for help.
So as a man, you have to get a job, brother, get a job, come with the responsibility, and provide for your wife and your children. You must, it’s a must, and do it with the intention of pleasing Allah, as an act of worship, not just a good deed, but also Allah will give you more as a result of it because it’s Sadaqah and you’re giving money for His sake.
If the husband has wealth, and the sister knows that he’s got wealth and he’s choosing not to provide for her and the children, she has every right to take what she needs from his wealth without even his knowledge. Hilda bint Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyan, complained to the Prophet (ﷺ). She said, “Ya Rasulullah, Abu Sufyan has wealth and he doesn’t give. He’s not giving to me, and I need something to eat. The children need something to eat.” The Prophet (ﷺ) said to her, خُذِي مَا يَكْثِيكِ أَنتِ وَوَلَدِكِ (Take what suffices you and your children).
So the woman has every right to go into his pocket, if there’s money in there, to take what she needs بالمعروف (in a reasonable manner).
All of it?
I'm saying that she takes what she needs. If she knows his bank details, she can transfer money from his account into her account without his knowledge, but she's only allowed to take what she needs for herself and her children. I think a lot of the problems that occur in marriages nowadays are not necessarily with the concept that the man provides for the wife. It really comes into the details. For example, a wife might want more than the husband is willing to give. The husband might even have the money, but this is Israf (wastefulness), meaning you don't need this much. Are there any rules or principles as to how much should be given? No, that's all based on the custom of the people. All of these things we can't really say "this or that." It goes back to the custom and the land, to what it's like. So we know, we have a rough idea of how much a woman in the UK should be given, i.e., how much a man should be providing for her, including her house, rent, and everything. We're talking about 1,500 to 1,000 pounds. I think between 1,200 to 1,500 pounds is the amount she would need per month, including utility bills, food, and rent. I'm talking about London, and that's how much a man would provide for his wife. Basically, what he wants, he gives it to her, and any extra money that he can keep for himself or save for his family, etc., that amount is roughly what is bil ma'ruf (in a reasonable and customary manner). Do you agree? I haven't been in London for a while. Obviously, it depends, and it varies. Also, if she has kids, it needs to be more than that. But yeah, around that amount.
Does the wife's background have any impact on this? For example, if she's from a rich family, is she entitled to more? That's an important point to mention. If a woman is from a particular background and has lived a certain lifestyle, the man has to uphold that lifestyle for her. Naam (yes), that's important. If she's lived a certain lifestyle, and he knew about that, he can't take her down to a lifestyle he's used to. No, he has to give that woman the lifestyle she's acquainted with. She's known it, and she's lived her life with it. It brings strains to the marriage. It falls under ‘Aisharoon bil ma'ruf (live with them in good), which is the third part I really want to come to. Because the first one I talked about is the dowry, the second I talked about al-nafaqah (the maintenance), and the third one, which is what I really want to talk about because I feel like this one comes up a lot and I hope people don't take this offensively. But I generally see this a lot more in the Indo-Pak community, which is the issue of residency, a house. This is the third financial benefit, the financial right that she has, which is that she has the right to be given a roof over her head. The wife, the man, has to give her what? A roof over her head. This is her haqq (right). A lot of the men, what they do is they take the easiest routes out of this, and they bring the girl into... what? Into their own households, as in they’re living with their parents, and then the girl comes in. They might even have a brother there, etc., and that's something a brother should not do to his wife. So, does... sorry, go on, get your wife her own house.
Look, brother, do you know what it is? The woman needs her kingdom. The house is her kingdom. This is where she dresses herself up. This is where she runs a ranch. This is where she controls. This is her kingdom. You're taking that away from her. You're giving her a little room in a house and saying this is where you're going to live, and this is all you have control over. Everything else is controlled by your mother, or your sisters, or your brothers. She's like a baith (guest) in the house. She’s a guest in the house. One of the things that women look forward to is when they get married to have their own place. All their life, they've lived under their fathers, they've lived with their brothers and siblings. When you grow up, you want to have your own place—now a place where you can call home. And that’s what the woman needs from a man. She needs him to create that for her. To snatch that away from her and place her inside his parents' house, where the mother runs the entire project, the entire marriage as well, controls it, tells what can or can’t be done, judges the wife based on what she sees, expects the daughter-in-law to cook for everybody, clean the house for everybody... all of these things are wrong, and it causes a lot of tension between the husband and the wife. Because now the wife is having an argument with the husband's mother, and a lot of this can be avoided by simply moving out into your own place. At the same time, the husband has to give rights to his parents and all those things, but that doesn’t mean you have to live with them.
What’s actually sad—and I find it very sad—is that the mothers who have gone through that themselves do it to their daughters, their son's wives. It's like a tradition: their son's wife. It happened to you, you saw it, and you felt the pain and suffering because of it. It makes perfect sense for you not to ever do that to anybody, but you see her doing it to her son's wife. But the real person at fault here is not necessarily the mother, it’s actually the husband because he has a responsibility to provide his wife with her own roof over her head. So, is that something that a wife can demand? Yeah, of course. Every situation I've dealt with, when these issues come up, I know it’s a cultural thing I’m kind of going against, and a lot of times it does make it uncomfortable for the people in the mosque that I would be the imam of or the parents. People come complaining to me, but it doesn’t bother me what people think and how people see my verdict or my views. I say it as I believe it is, and I tell them, I say, "Look, brother, I’m really sorry, but this woman has a right for you to place a roof over her head and give her her own place. What you've given her is rude. You haven't given her that. She had that already, by the way." You see, one thing I really want people to understand—and I know it's going to sound a bit harsh, but it has to be said—you see, you have a daughter right now, right? Your daughter. And even my daughters, as a father, I really provide for them. She doesn't need that from any other man. Also, my daughter, a roof over her head—I really do that for her. She's got a roof over her head, she’s living in a house where she doesn’t have to wear hijab, she’s living with her siblings and everything. I really do that for her. The father, what you can’t even do is to fulfill your daughter’s sexual needs. That’s where the father’s role ends, which is something, religiously, you're not allowed to do, and mentally, it doesn’t make sense. It’s immoral. That’s where the father passes his daughter over to someone else because that man who’s now going to take that daughter has to do what I was doing, for sure, as a minimum. As a minimum.
You have to be doing what I'm doing and going beyond me, and that's why you get more rights than I do. Now I see, that's why you're going to get more rights than I have as a father. She has to listen to you first, more than me, because I could have only done these things; I was limited to these things. Now you’ve come, you're doing all that, plus more. It makes no sense that you fall shorter than what I was doing for my daughter and expect to get more rights than me. This goes back to the question I asked earlier: does a woman's background impact how much she's allowed and how much she's given? You said yes, it does, because if she was given less than what her father was providing, then it goes back to the same problem I just mentioned.
So the husband has more rights than the parents—that’s also something that a lot of people ask about. Who should I obey more: my husband, who’s saying one thing, or my father, who’s saying another? The day my daughter gets married to her husband, one of the first things I’m telling her is that your husband is your Jannah and he’s your Naru (Paradise and Hell). Through Allah, when you say "Dad," it's the first time I hear my daughter in your culture. You call your kids what they call you. When I first heard you say these things, I didn't understand, but now I'm used to it. You’re always making a slip of the tongue saying "Dad, Dad, Dad," and I realize now you're intentionally saying it.
I call my children, even in old English, and they used to call their children “Dad.” They’d say “Daddy, Daddy, can you come here?” The father and kids are on both sides. Anyways, the point is, I tell my daughter, yaani (meaning), he's your Jannah and your Naru. Fulfill his rights, yaani (meaning), fulfill his rights. These are the things I’m going to nurture her with. So the point I’m trying to make is that I know automatically that she, my daughter, has more to give to her husband and take care of her husband than to her parents. I wouldn’t expect that from her mother. I’m more happy if she takes care of her husband, her marriage, and her children.
It’s not a competition between me and him. I was raising her for this glorious moment in her life, for her to become the best thing she can ever be, which is a mother to nurture the next generation. That’s something we all have to accept; this is the course of life. When I was raising my daughter, I wasn’t doing it for her to do something for me in return. I was raising her for herself, for her to become who I want her to be in the future.
People who tend to compete with the husband—the mother who wants to compete with the husband, or the daughter or the wife, sorry, of her son—this just shows that you weren't genuine in raising the child. You had an ulterior motive, which is that I’m the spotlight of everything. So generally speaking, mothers, wives, and sisters—there’s going to be friction. You have to understand there’s going to be friction. How do you avoid that? Keep a distance between them. You have to be a CS (a careful strategist). You have to be very smart in how you move people out of the way. If you're bringing people together and you say, "My mom doesn’t like my wife," of course she doesn't; you're bringing the people together all the time. Your wife has had a certain upbringing. She’s had a what? A certain upbringing. It’s a cultural upbringing. She’s had a certain background. And you’ve had a certain upbringing too. But by the way, none of your upbringings are better than the other. It’s just cultural differences. That’s your culture, and that’s her culture.
No one is right or wrong here. Each person condemning the other is saying, "Yours is wrong and mine is right." What made yours right or mine wrong? There’s no textual evidence for it. We’re not talking about something that contradicts the Qur'an or the Sunnah; we're just talking about different cultures. For example, in our culture, the man brings the dowry and provides, while the woman’s family also brings some money, right? Maybe. I don’t know your culture, but in our culture, the women bring some money as well.
For us, that's a shame. But that’s something where there’s no one right or wrong—no, the woman shouldn’t be doing that. She doesn’t have to. If they want to bring that money for us culturally, that’s fine. But for us, that’s bad. The man has to bring the dowry, for sure. Does that make sense? Not the dowry; it’s something else. It’s something she financially contributes towards. She’s not being forced to by the husband, and she’s not being forced to, but it's something they just do culturally. And in your culture, it’s wrong. The family of the woman never brings anything. From a Somali perspective, we’re like, "Woah, you guys are good!" And you’re going to be like, “What? What do you mean, you guys are good?"
We're going to be like, "You guys are good. I don't have to bring the money as a man. I don't have to bring all the money by myself, okay?" And we're going to look and feel sorry for you guys, like, "Oh, you don't get any money?" No, you're going to look at our situation and say, "Allah Mubarak, Mashallah," you know? We have to provide everything: the house, the food, everything—the wedding, the dowry, everything. The man has to bring all the money to the table. The woman's family doesn't bring anything to the table; they just come to the wedding. He even buys her the clothes that she wears for her wedding. The house—he packs up the house, the furniture, everything is here, Mashallah. He tells her, "Make something out of this," and that's it. The Indo-Pak community, no—the girl's family contributes something towards it. I'm not really acquainted with it, but somewhere, I'm sure the viewers would agree with me: they put money towards it where the man doesn't have to pay. Oh, they're 50-50 on this and that, Wahakada. Now, for a man, that's like, "Whoa, I'm getting help, support." Yeah, and you will look at us and say that's bad. But what's bad and what's good here is just about culture; it's nothing shara'an (according to Islamic law), halal or haram. Does it make sense?
Okay, we had a brief technical issue where we lost the footage, but we're back now, inshallah (if Allah wills). So, I think what you're talking about is the cultural differences between different communities, and I think you're right—you're absolutely right. Because I remember something when I got married. My in-laws—so my wife's parents and my wife's family—they said, "We want to buy you a suit for the wedding," and I said, "I've already got a suit. I work in the office; I've got a suit." They said, "No, no, we have to buy you a suit. Did you buy us the wedding with your uniform, your office suit?" They looked at me like that as well. "Nothing special, nothing different. It's a suit, right? What's the difference between that suit and another suit?" To me, it's all the same. I thought it was a wedding suit you wear, that's what they were saying. No, it has to be a special outfit, we have to buy it. I said, "If you need a special outfit, we can buy it." I think they were like, "No, no, we have to buy it." So you're right, and even I think the venue for the marriage, I think the cost was split. We paid half, they paid half. What do you know? You just said it's no right or wrong. Now you're like, "No, I mean, it's a no in our culture." It's not right or wrong. There's nothing right or wrong here. Honestly, if you ask me about financial help, who would say no to that? That's not the point. The point is in our culture, it's no. The woman and her family are literally sitting... Actually, to be honest, I'll tell you something as well: there's like money you have to give to the elders as well, the few people that are sitting there. You just flash some money on them. You know what it is about marrying a woman in the Somali culture? You have to prove your desire, your want for this woman. Financially, you have to splash money. Even if, like, in Somali culture, if there's a conflict between the two spouses and things go wrong, in order to fix the problem, it's financial. It's so much about finance. It's really like the woman's family are rich. When you've got a girl, Wallahi (by Allah), you're making good money. I'll tell you, if your wife just has daughters for you, Wallahi, you could be making real money. You just see dollar signs everywhere.
You just see dollar signs. Another question: When guests come to the wedding in your culture, do they give cash? Yeah, yeah, people say, "No box gives—give us some cash." My question to you is, who's paying for that money? Where's that money coming from—the man's side or the woman's side? Both sides? The guests? Well, only the man's guests bring money. Yeah, of course. I told you, the woman's side, they don't pay a penny. But it's not them, it's the guests. For example, your wife invites her friend. Her friend wouldn't give—no, no, our one is Wallahi (by Allah), I can tell you, very Somali though. This is like expensive, it's expensive. A lot of wedding... I think I know what you mean. So, for example, a couple of people are coming as guests to a wedding. They're husband and wife. No, the guest for us is the girl’s side and the man’s side. They come together and sit there for an invitation, segregated, obviously. But yeah, the women are not there. It's only men. The men come that day. So, her father, her uncles, the man's father, his uncle—they come there. A lot of the time, it's the ones that you see sitting on the table in the wedding halls. They sit at the front seat, and they're like the media relatives. Those ones, you have to spread out some envelopes for them quickly. That envelope has got some good money in there. That comes from the man’s side. That comes from whose side? The man’s side. So, the Somali men tend to have to pay that towards the Somali.
But on the day of the wedding, for example, if you have lots of guests—200 people come to your wedding, for example, and they're a mix: some of them are from the man's side, some of them from the woman's side, friends, family, a mix—do those people bring gifts, like envelopes with cash inside for the couple?
Oh yeah, definitely. That's just a gift from everybody.
I thought you said only the men's side of the guests?
This money that the man brings is part of the wedding. He can give it behind the scenes if he wants to, which is what a lot of people do because it's too much. You can't give it to some people and not give it to others, so he just gives out money in advance and says, "Look, you guys spread it amongst yourselves."
Do we have that in our culture? You know more about my culture because you deal with these people.
From what I've seen, because things have changed in the West now, right? A lot of the cultural things that are done have changed. From what I've seen when I've been to a few weddings, I haven't seen that. I haven't seen people giving money out to you. I could be wrong, but I haven't seen it. It might be there, but I haven't seen it.
All I know is that the money that's spent by the man's side when it comes to marriage is that it's the full focus. The entire focus is on the man's pocket. How much do you want this woman? How much are you willing to put in? How much finance have you got? You have to go in, you have to go in.
So the point you're making is that when you have a married couple, you've got two people coming from two different cultural backgrounds. It's not necessarily saying one is right and one is wrong, but you've got two different cultures. This is the point you're making, right?
And also, I was saying that just because you have a certain culture and a certain upbringing, it doesn't always mean it’s right. Your upbringing was like this, so it means it's right. Which brings me to now another point. This point I can expand on, it's something very important, which is:
What are the huqook ghayra maaliya (non-financial rights)? The rights that your wife has that are not financial. We mentioned three financial rights that she has, and what other than that? The other rights that the wife has.
Sorry, I'm so sorry to interject. Just before we go into it, because I think I've probably got about five minutes until I get to my destination, we'll do that in the next journey, inshallah (if Allah wills).
But I've just got a question on the financial aspect, which a lot of people might be watching at home and might ask. You mentioned three financial rights that the wife has, which are the mahr (dowry), the right to be spent on, and the right for her own place to live. Someone might be saying, and we're not talking about the culture now, we're talking about the deen (religion), the religious rights: Someone might say, "Isn't that making marriage very difficult? I'm a young guy, for example, I'm 17, 18 years old. I need to get married, but I can't because I can't give my wife the right to her own place and all of these other things that you're telling me to. How would you respond to that question?"
So there are two responses. The first response is that it might be hard for you in one part of the world and not another part of the world. So, for example, if you're Somali, I'm sure you can go to Somalia and probably get a wife for a better price in the wedding and everything, and all of that, and you can find that maybe. It doesn't mean that the women in the West have to change theirs. It doesn’t have to be that just because one place is hard for you, then go to another place.
The second is, the Prophet (peace be upon him) told us: The Prophet said, "O youths, whoever from amongst you is able to get married, then get married, and anyone of you who is not able to get married..." So, if you're not able to, you don't have the financial ability to do all of that which we mentioned, then fast. What is upon you is to fast. Fasting will cast straight your desires.
So, what we've mentioned, by the way, is not extravagant. We just mentioned the bare minimum a man needs to do. Yeah, the stuff that we mentioned about the wedding and this, that's all cultural. It's not part of the Deen (religion).We're just saying that I don't want people to think that, "Oh, I have to do this, I have to do this." It was only the three things you mentioned at the start—those three things—and even those three things, it's not like it has to be an extravagant mahr (dowry) or anything like that.
So, what's your... I'm just interested now, what are your thoughts on the concept of a young person—maybe he's doing a university degree, for example—he really wants to get married, he knows his sister at university, they both want to get married to each other, but to be honest with you, they can't live in their own place. Have you ever thought about this concept of just getting the Nikah (marriage contract) done? They get married, but they still live with their parents, but they meet up on the weekends, they meet in the evenings, they go out to restaurants.
There's benefits in it, there's harms in it. I've seen both. I've seen people do that, but for example, the man doesn't take the responsibility of age seriously. He just never wants to bring her in. Yeah, he's used to this lifestyle, so she's always at her parents' house because he's not fully committed to it. He's just enjoying it now, and she's just enjoying it to basically move on to what’s the word I'm looking for... to transition from that position to a full commitment.
It's hard to do once you're used to intimately, sexually fulfilling yourself, and she's at her parents' house, and you don't really need to provide for her. How do you then move on from that to now you have to pay for rent, now you have to pay for utility bills, now you have to pay this? A lot of men can't do that, and I've seen that with my... yeah, I've seen it. So, that's the harm that also comes from it. And a lot of sisters feel like they've sold themselves short. They feel like they've sold themselves short. Allah knows best.
Okay, I'll just reach... we're going to have to stop the call now, just reached my location, and inshallah (if Allah wills) we'll carry on in another trip.
Okay, so we're back in the car, and we were talking about the responsibilities of a husband and the rights of a wife. You mentioned three financial responsibilities so far. So, you mentioned the mahr (dowry), you mentioned the nafqa (spending) that the husband has to spend on his wife, and then finally, you mentioned the right to residence, kind of like living—the wife has a right to her own house, her own roof overhead.
Now, let's talk about some non-financial responsibilities that the husband is obliged to provide. What kind of things go into that?
So, there's three, again, because we mentioned three financial, we're going to mention three which are non-financial rights. So, the first one is if a man is married to multiple women, as we know in Islam, a man can marry up to four. He's allowed to marry them shara'an (according to Islamic law), and they are his wives, and he has to be just and fair towards them. Islam wants justice to come from this. The man has to be fair between all three of his wives, or two of his wives, or four of his wives. He has to be fair between them, if he's married to multiple women. Inshallah ta'ala (if Allah wills), the issue of polygamy—Is it even sunnah (a practice of the Prophet)? What is the ruling regarding it? The discussion—is it something that a Muslim should do in the 21st century? Discussions related to that... I think inshallah we should make a whole podcast because there's so much connected to it.
The second right that I want to focus on is the issue of al-mu'ashara bi-zawjati bil-ma'roof (المعاشرة بالمعروف), living with your wife in good. Allah says in the Qur'an, wa-ashiruhuna bil-ma'roof (وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ): "Live with your spouses in good." The husband is instructed in this verse to live with his wife in good. Wa-ashiruhuna bil-ma'roof.
After that, Allah says something very powerful. He said, fa-in kareetumuhuna fa-asa an takrahu shay'an wa yaj'alallahu fihi khayran kathira (فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰ أَن تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا): "If you dislike something about your wife, there's something she has—she has a trait, a type of characteristic you do not like about her, it's annoying you all the time, it keeps coming back every now and then—then always remember that maybe Allah might put barakah (blessings) and khair (good) in it for you, by being with this woman."
Fa-asa an takrahu shay'an wa yaj'alallahu fihi khayran kathira, and Allah might make in it a lot of good. Also, the Prophet ﷺ had told us and explained to us in a hadith, he said, akmalul mu'mineena imana ahsanuhum khuluqaa (أَكْمَلُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ إِيمَانًا أَحْسَنُهُمْ خُلُقًا): "The best of the believers, the one who is the completest in his iman (faith), is the one who has the best manners, the best akhlaq (character). His mannerisms are amazing, the way he carries himself, the way he is, the way his personality is—very forgiving, he has a blind eye. That’s a characteristic of a believer." And many other good qualities that a believer has. Then, look what the Prophet ﷺ said after that. He said, ahsanuhum khairukum li ahli (أَحْسَنُهُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ): "And the best from amongst you is the one who is the best for his family."
In another way, the Prophet ﷺ said: "خيركم خيركم لأهله وأنا خيركم لأهلي" (The best from among you is the one who is the best for his family, and I am the best for my family than all of you). So the ayah "وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ" (And live with them in kindness) emphasizes the importance of having a good relationship with your spouse. Be very merciful, kind, forgiving, and appreciate what they do for you. I ask Allah to grant us these qualities.
Islam obviously emphasizes the importance of a man being good to his wife. I just want to go back to what you mentioned before about the issue of polygyny, and you said that one of the most important things here is that the man treats all of his multiple wives fairly and justly. Now, obviously, finance goes into that. What other things could fall into that? As I said before, the issue of polygyny or polygamy is something I want to speak about in great detail. I want to make an entire discussion about it and go into it in more detail because it’s a topic that comes up a lot. I want to talk about the pros and cons of practicing it in this current time, the places where people practice it, the wisdom (الحكمة) behind it, the advice that scholars have given regarding it, things to expect, and things that you should tolerate. Insha'Allah, I want to talk about it in great detail.
Finance is, of course, one of those things. If you can't financially provide for your first wife, of course, you can't get married to a second wife. That’s number one. Number two, physically, if you’re not able to fulfill your first wife’s sexual needs, for example, you're not allowed to go and get married to a second wife. If you're forsaken, as a man, you're struggling to fulfill your first wife’s sexual needs, then of course, you can't go for a second or even a third wife. Many other things also come into play, such as time. Time is a right that the wife has. For example, if you're falling short in fulfilling the first wife’s time, you're unable to give her her time, of course, we want to talk about what is the bare minimum a man needs to give to his wife and what the scholars mention regarding it. That’s another, Insha’Allah, I think comes under the topic of polygyny. We want to talk about it Insha’Allah. But if you're falling short on your first wife’s time, are you even allowed to get married to a second wife, or a third wife? All of these things have to be taken into consideration, Insha’Allah. Let’s go back to the ayah. I want to mention ways that... sorry, no, no, I was going to ask: What does it mean? Let’s talk a little bit about this.
So now I want to speak about ways in which a man can live with his wife in good. One of those things, akhi (brother), is having at-talatuf bil-qawl (gentleness in speech). When you speak, you speak in a good manner towards your spouse. Your words are very good. Also, you give inaya (care), you give consideration to your appearance, the way you look. It was narrated from Abdullah ibn Abbas (رضي الله عنه) when it came to the ayah "وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ" (And live with them in kindness), he used to say, "إِنِّي لَا أُحِبُّ أَنْ أَتَزَيَّنَ لِلْمَرْأَةِ كَمَا أُحِبُّ أَنْ أَتَزَيَّنَ لِلنِّسَاءِ" (I love to beautify myself for my wife the way I love her to beautify herself for me).
Insha’Allah, I kind of touched on this before, which is beautification. It's more than just hygiene. If the husband is not showering, it’s an issue of hygiene here, not an issue of beautification. If the husband is not cutting his nails and is not, ya’ani (meaning), cutting his pubic hair and armpit hair and everything, this is a hygiene issue. Beautification is more than that. It’s the rights that the wife has on you to neaten your hair, shorten your hair, and all these things. This is "وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ" (live with them in kindness). When you go home, you wear stinky clothes and you smell a certain way, it doesn’t fall under "وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ" (live with them in kindness) that your wife only feels attracted to you when you're on the streets and you're out there to do something. That’s the only time she sees you beautiful. It’s واضح (clear), we fall short on this. Many of us, if we have to go out there and go to a meeting, we make ourselves look good, we groom ourselves, we beautify ourselves. But for 4-5 days, we’ve been at home, and our partner had to endure all of that seeing the way you look and the way you seem. So you’re falling short when it comes to "وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ" (live with them in kindness).
I think a lot of people, as we did in the previous episode, speak about how important this is for a woman, for a wife to do, but a lot of people forget that also, just as important as the statement of Abdullah ibn Abbas (رضي الله عنه), like he said, just for the woman, it’s also something that he would like to do for his wife as well. A lot of people, I think, tend to emphasize it on the woman’s part and then neglect it on the man’s part. I think it’s important to mention. We did speak a lot about beautification in the previous episode, so anyone who hasn’t seen that yet, they can go back to it, Insha’Allah.
Also, playing and laughing and joking with your family is permissible. It’s actually a good thing. The Prophet ﷺ illustrated that for us. His wife Aisha (رضي الله عنها) mentioned that during one of his travels, he raced with her ﷺ. He told the Sahabah to go forward, and then he stayed behind to race with Aisha. They raced, and Aisha (رضي الله عنها) beat him ﷺ. So the Prophet ﷺ laughed, and a few years or a while went by, and then he asked Aisha (رضي الله عنها) for another race, and she lost. The Prophet ﷺ started laughing and said to Aisha, "This one for the first one."
What’s amazing in the hikmah (wisdom) in there is that he made it fair. He won once, she won once, because if you win sometimes, you feel guilty, and if you lose, you feel pain. But when you both win, it’s nice. He didn’t make a third one. And it’s sad because some people might think, "That’s not a lot," what you mentioned in the story, but some people don’t even like their wives challenging them in anything. They can’t see their wife beat them in something, like the ego. Very egotistically, some people won’t admit, like, "Okay, I was wrong, okay, but you know what? You got that right or you won this, and I lost." Full of ego, too much pride that we have. But the Prophet ﷺ here gave us a good example that it makes them very happy. There are certain things in Islam that really bring a smile to the face, because you think these are things that people would do as pastimes or do it as enjoyment, and just with the correct intention, it becomes an act of worship and becomes something rewardable.
For example, playing with your family, playing with your kids—this is something that everyone loves to do. They enjoy it, and as long as you come with the correct intention, that piece of enjoyment now becomes an act of worship for which you get rewarded. It's fascinating.
Also, another thing is the three A's that I mention a lot: giving your wife attention. A lot of us brothers—may Allah preserve us and forgive us—fall short in giving a lot of attention to our wives. It’s true. She’s putting in efforts and hard work, and we don’t recognize it. We don’t pay attention to it. She’s changed her clothes, she’s done something else, she’s done something to herself for you, and there’s no attention on your side. You’re preoccupied with your gadgets, you’re preoccupied with your work, this and that. We fall guilty of all of that; I know I do as well. And this is very detrimental for your relationship. In some way, it can go against that—when the man doesn’t give any attention to his wife. This woman left her family for you, she’s living with you under the same roof, and there’s no attention coming from you.
Sometimes—wallahi (by Allah), be honest with you—conflicts actually start because of that. That’s the only way she gets your attention. The only time you actually speak back to her is when she kicks off a fuss, when she fights with you. Then she realizes that’s the only time. So sometimes, she does it so often, and you’re thinking to yourself, "Why are you doing this?" That’s the only way she can get your attention, and you’re the cause of the problem. You’re the cause of the problem. You’re thinking, "You’re always picking on me, you’re always fighting with me. I didn’t do anything to you." It’s not what you’ve done to her, it’s what you’re not doing for her. Does that make sense?
I think another thing that comes into this, especially when you talk about people who are really focused on their career or really passionate about the work they’re doing, is that they might have a really stressful day at work, and they come back home. Their wife might be looking forward to them coming home all day, waiting for their husband to return. But as soon as the husband returns, he’s so braindead and so stressed that it’s almost like he takes it out on the wife—not in the sense of taking it out on her, but she doesn’t get the best part of him at the end of the day. He’s so tired, he doesn’t want to do anything, he doesn’t want to talk. You know what I mean?
I know some people, for example, will come back from work and they’re not able to leave work at work and home at home. The two mix together, and then suddenly the home life becomes worse because he’s always thinking about work. That’s why people like that—polygamy is very bad for us. You put yourself in there—polygamy is bad for people like that. Yeah, my character is like that as well—people who tend to have trouble separating things. If you’re outside, you’re outside, and the work and the people you’re dealing with, if their problem is coming to you at home, and you can’t close it there and deal with your family, then you can’t do that in polygamy either. That’s a very good point.
I know, for example, sometimes we get emails from people emailing our inbox, and I know how much it affects you. It’s like you take on their problem. Yeah, and you’re right. If you’ve got two wives, for example—or even more than two wives—you might have a problem with one wife, and then suddenly you go back to the first wife and you can’t leave that problem with the second wife. You’re thinking about it, and you’re down because of it. What you need to learn is you’ve taken stress from this place, but that doesn’t mean the other person needs to suffer. You need to smile and laugh and pretend like nothing is happening. That’s the reality. You need to leave everything at the door. And that’s very hard because this person deserves attention from you. They deserve attention from you.
The second A is appreciation. You need to appreciate this person for all the things they’re doing for you, وَإِن كَانَ صَغِيرًا (even if it’s very little). One of the qualities of a Muslim is that he shows gratitude. Allah says, سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى (Glory be to Him, the Exalted): "لَإِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ وَ لَإِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِي لَشَدِيدٌ" (If you are grateful, I will surely increase your favor upon you, and if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe). Allah Ta'ala mentions to us, "لَإِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ" (If you show gratitude, I will increase it for you). Gratitude is one of the qualities of the believer.
The Prophet ﷺ said in another hadith: "مَن صَلَعَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَعْرُوفًا فَكَافِعُوهُ فَإِن لَمْ تَجِدُوا بِمَا تُكَافِئُونَ فَبْعُولَهُ" (If someone does you good, reward them. If you cannot find anything to repay them with, then make dua for them). Some brothers, they actually love their wives, they appreciate what their wives are doing, but they don’t mention the appreciation to their wives. They tell it to other people. Yeah, I know what you mean. They genuinely do appreciate the wife, but they don’t know how to express it to the wife. They just express it to other people. Yeah, and she’s hearing it from other people like, "Oh wow, your husband’s been talking to my wife; he’s been telling her how much he appreciates you." She’s like, "Really? I didn’t know that. He’s never ever said that to me." And that’s not what it means. It means you tell this person, "جَزَاكَ اللَّهُ خَيْرًا" (May Allah reward you with goodness), "بَارَكَ اللَّهُ فِيكِ" (May Allah bless you), and for that, سُبْحَانَ اللَّهِ (Glory be to Allah).
Lack of appreciation makes a woman feel, يعني (meaning), unwanted. Literally, she feels like, "He doesn’t want me. He’s probably contemplating leaving me." It gets so bad for a woman not getting appreciation from her husband, good words. If you speak to a lot of women, one of their biggest love languages is actually words of affirmation. If it’s not first, it’s second—between quality time and words of affirmation.
A lot of the times, women really admire a man who can give her quality time and words of affirmation. Telling her what she means, how important she is in his life, and all of that word of affirmation. Also, the concept of quality time is crucial. The third and final one is affection. This is the hardest one for a lot of brothers to express affection. It's not hard, but we’re made to feel like it’s hard because society has created a man who shows affection towards his wife as being “whipped” or “feminine.” Brothers will even joke about it if a man is very affectionate with his wife. They will laugh at him, which is dangerous. We spoke about this in the beginning—it’s a satanic path that you’re treading on, trying to destroy people’s relationships.
If you see a man and his wife loving each other a lot, make dua for them and tell them this is something good, "Allah keep it up," literally. Don’t let this go. I like what you guys have here. Make dua for me in my life, I wish Allah grants us this affection. Affection is very important, and the Prophet ﷺ used to express it a lot. One of the times when a woman really needs affection is when she’s very emotional, like during her menstruation. Many women feel down and low during this time.
What was narrated about the Prophet ﷺ during his wife Aisha’s (or any one of his wives’) menstruation is that he would play with her, laugh, joke, and kiss her. This was in a culture where, at that time, a woman was not kissed. I once sat with one of my uncles back home, and we were talking about romance and hugging. We brought up the concept of kissing, and he asked, “Are you talking about during menstruation or ever?” He said he had never kissed a woman in his life—not even his own children. This is how some of the older generations were—very stiff, not affectionate at all.
In their eyes, the woman was like a factory or an employee. Let me tell you a funny story. I don’t know if it's true, but it goes like this: There was a man who was excessively stingy. His wife complained to the Qadi (judge) and said, "Judge, I can’t stay with this man anymore." The Qadi asked why. She replied, "I’ve been married to this man for 11 years, and we’ve only been intimate 7 or 8 times. How can I stay in a relationship like that? He’s not affectionate, not intimate. It’s just a routine. We’ve been married for 11 years, and there are only 7 or 8 intimate moments. Where’s the connection?" The Qadi asked the husband, "Is this true?" He said, "Yes, Qadi, it’s true." The Qadi then said, "But where did the 8th relationship go? There’s no child." The man replied, "She wants to waste my energy."
While the story might not be real, the concept is. Some of the older generations viewed intimacy solely for procreation, not affection or connection. They saw the woman’s role as merely that of a caretaker of the household. You have to understand that when the Prophet ﷺ expressed affection, in a society like that—the Bedouins, who were known for their hard hearts and tough endurance—he was teaching them and those who came after that you must show affection.
The Prophet ﷺ’s actions were revolutionary for his time, showing that affection between a husband and wife was not just permissible but encouraged. We see today that some men might not even express basic gratitude. For example, I gave a man water once, and it felt as if I hadn't done anything. He didn't even say thank you, which I didn't mind, but it reflects different personalities and attitudes towards showing care.
Allah even mentions in the Qur'an that the Bedouins were among the strongest in disbelief, their hearts being very hard. A lot of our Somali culture—and many other cultures—has a lack of affection, and it plays a big role in putting pressure on the marriage, especially on the wife.
And the women, if you look at even the elderly mothers, they’re very tough. They are strong and tough, built that way because of the kind of environment they’ve been through. That toughness is passed down through generations. In marriages where there’s no affection, the children see that and think that’s how marriage should be. They also don’t get affection because their parents aren’t showing it. I was speaking to a brother from your culture, and he said that for most of his life—up until he was around 21—he thought marriage was just like an employer-employee relationship. That’s what he thought because that’s what he saw from his parents. He didn’t realize that there’s meant to be love and affection in a marriage.
Subhanallah (Glory be to Allah), even if you look at the relationship between the wife and husband, before I mention that, I want to share a story. There was an aunt of mine who was advising her daughter on her wedding day. The advice she was giving, my jaw dropped. It shows the mindset some people have when it comes to marriage. She told her daughter, “Know that when you get married, every marriage is built on filling your pillow with tears. That’s just how it is.” This is the advice she gave right before the wedding. What do you mean? She said that marriage is basically torture, and you have to be patient. I understand if she said marriage comes with ups and downs and endurance is needed, but to start the advice with “you have to fill your pillow with tears” and to really emphasize that one point—what is that woman expecting from that marriage other than what? Disaster? You’re going to cry, you’re going to be a victim. That’s wrong from the get-go, and it weakens that woman. It destroys her as a person and makes her expect this in a marriage.
No, but what I do understand is that every single person you deal with in life will hurt you, of course—not just in marriage, but in every interaction, in every dealing that you do with humans. Generally speaking, there are ups and downs. You don’t destroy relationships just like that. You show patience, resilience, etc. I understand that a man should not base his judgments solely on one thing he dislikes about his wife. If he dislikes something, he should also look at all the other good things she does. Your wife might have 3, 4, or 5 traits that you don’t like, but look at the 100 good qualities she has. The poet said, “Who do you think on this earth is free from faults, problems, or shortcomings? There isn’t anyone.” When you tell me you’ve been married for 10 years, and you and your wife fell out because of just 5 issues, come on! That’s good. Look at the positives. It’s only 5 things. You’ve been married for 10 years, and no one is perfect. Everyone has had their own upbringing. I’ve had mine, and you’ve had yours. When we come into the house, we need to realize that no one’s upbringing is divine law from Allah. We need to compromise on some things that we were told were right, and you also need to compromise on some things that you were told were right.
We spoke in the last episode about some of the unrealistic expectations of marriage because they’re not taken from the Qur'an. Instead, they’re taken from Bollywood or Hollywood. You know, it’s funny what you said about the marriage advice that the mother gave her daughter about it being hardship, about filling the pillow with tears and all that. I remember someone saying back in the day, there are 3 rings in marriage. Three? Yes, 3 rings. They said, and this is obviously non-Muslim stuff, but they said, it’s the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering ring. That’s what they say. I remember someone saying that to me. So, yeah, this concept of marriage being doom and gloom doesn’t have to be like that, and it shouldn’t be like that. But some people do go into marriage thinking like that, insha’Allah.
I think that’s the main point I wanted to mention. There’s only one more thing I wanted to add. We’ve spoken a lot, obviously. I think one common problem, and I’d really like your advice on this, is that a lot of the time, I feel from friends I speak to and other brothers I speak to, they tend to find a disparity in the husband’s level of Iman (faith) and the wife’s level of Iman. And generally, as a general rule—obviously, not saying everyone is like this—but as a general rule, they find that the man’s Iman is normally higher than the woman’s.
A lot of these brothers say that their wife, for example, is so stressed at home. She’s looking after the kids; she’s there all day while he’s out. He’s speaking about the deen (religion), speaking to other brothers, seeking knowledge, going to lectures, increasing his Iman. His Iman is increasing, but his wife’s is either staying the same or going down because she’s so stressed at home looking after the kids. Have you experienced this? People telling you this?
The thing I advise is again doing things together with your spouse—literally going to those halaqat (gatherings of knowledge). If there are facilities for females, take your family with you, Habibi (my dear). Every single step you’re taking in the Akhirah (Hereafter) and Jannah (Paradise), bring your family along. Don’t dismiss them. If you’re going to listen to a lecture, say, “Come, come, let’s listen to this together.” If you’re going to memorize books, say, “Come, come, let’s memorize this. You want to memorize this? Come, let’s memorize it together.” Okay, that’s very important.
Sometimes, it could happen that the wife may not want to learn from you. Okay, no problem. I’ll facilitate it for you. I’ll get a teacher; he’ll teach you. Appreciate the little work she does, encourage her. Say, “Wow, I never thought you were going to get that. You’re really surpassing my expectations.” Encourage her. Children are also a means for knowledge. When you’re teaching your children and you’re both invested in educating them, yes, this pushes you to your potential as well. If you have young kids who aren’t studying yet, maybe that might be an issue. But once they start speaking and engaging in education, you and your partner are both going to have to be involved, right?
Also, let the Qur’an be on in the house. Let lectures be playing in the background when your wife is cooking, etc. Another point I wanted to mention is this: helping in the household is very important. Some brothers are very like, he passes the kitchen, and his wife is upstairs, and he tells her to come down and get him water from the kitchen. Have Rahma (compassion). You just passed the kitchen—go get it yourself. Honestly, even though the wife should serve her husband, that shouldn’t be abused. You’re a man; take responsibility and do it yourself to an extent. But to abuse that, especially when she has kids to take care of and she’s nurturing them, you have to start taking some of your responsibilities for the sake of the children.
That’s something I feel people overlook. Another last point I want to mention is that a lot of times when conflicts happen between partners, one or both parties might go and tell their problems to someone else. When a lot of people get involved in your family issue, expect it to get worse. If so many people are involved in your problem, trust me, it’s hard to solve. Both parties can reconcile and solve the problem, but then everyone is still talking about it. You’ve put out so much unnecessary information that sometimes you can’t even come back from it. So don’t talk to people about your problems.
If you feel like you can’t be with this person anymore, dissolve the marriage if you want to. If you want to leave, whether it’s the wife or the husband—just talking and gossiping, leave it, especially if there are children involved. If you have children with one another, respect each other and understand that it’s meant to be like this, Allah Ta’ala (Allah, the Exalted, talking) could cause a greater problem.
Especially when we talk about general problems and the arguments that naturally occur in a marriage, there’s nothing too serious in those things. What usually happens is that in a couple of days, the husband and wife will forgive each other and move on—it’s like it’s nothing. But as soon as you put it out there and other people are talking about it, they’ll have negative opinions. For example, the mother-in-law might now be thinking badly of the husband because she thinks, “You did this to my daughter, and I can’t forgive you.” All of these things. Obviously, if it’s a more serious issue, then of course, as Allah says in the Qur’an, you might have to appoint a mediator from her side. It’s different in that case. We’re talking about the general stuff.
At that time, when the mediator comes in, remember each person has a representative for them. Those people are going to talk, but it’s not one person dealing with the whole situation from one side. A lot of the time, let’s be fair, it’s not the girl’s family who tries to destroy the marriage because, a lot of times, it’s not in their benefit for their daughter to be divorced. A lot of the time, it’s the boy’s side of the family who creates a bigger problem. That generally happens a lot in the cases I’ve come across. I’ve seen the boy’s family causing a lot of havoc. They even tell the son, “You can’t go back to that woman. Is she not the one who treated you this way? Are you really going to go back to her?”
In the beginning, people shouldn’t have spoken too much about these issues. I believe, to be honest, both parties should sit down and communicate with one another. The majority of the time, they can solve their problems because it’s them who are suffering from whatever they’re going through. If both of you are unable to talk because one person doesn’t want to listen and the other one does, then get an unbiased person—like a sheikh, your local imam, or someone who will let you both talk. They’ll let the brother talk and let the sister talk. They’ll be a means for you to communicate with one another. And Allah has greater knowledge.
JazakAllah khair (may Allah reward you), Ustad. I really appreciate it. This is a two-part series on marriage, insha’Allah (God willing). We’ll be back in the car another day, and we’ll deal with another topic, insha’Allah. JazakAllah khair, Ustad.
Alhamdulillah (all praise is due to Allah). Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness from Allah) wa atubu ilayk (and I turn to You in repentance).
