Answer: All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of all worlds. May peace and blessings be upon Allah’s servant and Messenger, our Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, and upon his family and all his companions.
This is an excellent and comprehensive question. Working towards achieving ḥilm (forbearance) and good manners towards parents and siblings is a lifelong effort. It is something that requires continuous work and does not necessarily come easily or after the first attempt. A person must train themselves over time, learning and improving gradually.
There is a narration that states:
إِنَّمَا الْحِلْمُ بِالتَّحَلُّمِ
“Forbearance is attained through practising forbearance.” (Tārīkh Baghdād 9/129)
Ḥilm means not being quick to retaliate, not hastening to respond harshly, and not seeking immediate retribution. It comes from taḥallum—actively training oneself to be patient. A person must continuously strive to develop this trait, even if they fall short at times, by trying again and again, improving step by step.
One of the first steps in developing good manners towards parents and siblings is recognising their status and importance. Understanding the great reward for keeping ties and the severe consequences for cutting them off serves as a strong motivator. If a person were to study a course on the Muslim family, they would see how much Islam emphasizes the rights of parents and the significance of sibling relationships. Knowing their status, knowing the immense reward for maintaining ties, and knowing the punishment for severing them pushes a person to uphold good character.
However, beyond knowledge, it requires a change in mindset. A person must not fall into the trap of making excuses such as, “They are not nice to me,” or “They make things difficult for me.” Rather, one must understand that treating them well is a duty to Allah. It is not about whether they treat you well or not; it is about your relationship with Allah. The way you behave towards them should not depend on their actions but on your commitment to pleasing Allah.
Sufyān ibn ʿUyaynah said:
كَانَ العُلَمَاءُ فِيمَا مَضَى يَكْتُبُونَ بَعْضُهُمْ إِلَى بَعْضٍ هَذِهِ الْكَلِمَاتِ:
“The scholars of the past used to write to one another with these words:”
مَنْ أَصْلَحَ مَا بَيْنَهُ وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ، أَصْلَحَ اللَّهُ مَا بَيْنَهُ وَبَيْنَ النَّاسِ
"Whoever corrects what is between him and Allah, Allah will correct what is between him and the people."
This means that improving your relationship with Allah will naturally improve your relationships with others, including family.
Allah commands us in the Qur'an:
وَلَا تَسْتَوِى ٱلْحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُ ۚ ٱدْفَعْ بِٱلَّتِى هِىَ أَحْسَنُ
"Good and evil are not equal. Repel [evil] with that which is better." (Surah Fussilat 41:34)
A person should always strive to respond in the best way, even if others are harsh. They should aim to take the moral high ground, to be the one who responds with patience and wisdom.
Part of this process is taking oneself to account. If a person falls short, they should seek forgiveness from Allah, apologise if needed, and try again. A person should actively learn about patience and good character and put what they learn into practice. Every time they come across an Islamic teaching about ḥilm, akhlāq (good manners), and patience, they should strive to apply it in their daily life.
This cycle of learning, practising, falling short, seeking forgiveness, and trying again is the path to developing patience and good manners. It is an ongoing process, but with effort and sincerity, a person can achieve it, bi’ithnillah.
May Allah send His blessings and peace upon our Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, and upon his family and all his companions.
— Answered by Ustadh Muhammad Tim Humble
