Answer: This situation, which combines several related issues, requires guidance for both the wife (or daughter-in-law) and the husband.
Let’s address each perspective with wisdom and reference to Islamic principles.
Advice for the Wife (Daughter-in-Law):
The wife in this situation is encouraged to respond in the best possible manner, even when faced with unfair treatment.
Allah, the Almighty says in the Quran:
"The good deed and the evil deed are not equal. Repel (evil) with that which is better, and then the one who is hostile to you will become as a close friend. But none is granted it except those who are patient, and none is granted it except the one with a great portion (of good)." (Quran 41:34-35)
This verse sets a profound standard for dealing with difficult people.
The wife should strive to maintain the moral high ground, not to win an argument or please her mother-in-law, but to seek the pleasure of Allah. By responding with kindness and patience, she can hope for Allah to soften her mother-in-law’s heart over time. Likewise, the son-in-law who his mother-in-law oppresses him let him be good to his mother-in-law because for the sake of Allah, the Almighty, knowing that if he does that, Allah will change that person's heart بإذنه to make that heart come towards kindness and gentleness and softness.
Advice for the Husband (Son):
As for the husband, who is the son of the mother-in-law, it is essential to find a balance.
He must strike a balance between fulfilling the rights of his mother and the rights of his wife..
The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said:
"Give everyone who has a right over you their right." (Bukhari: 6139)
There is no benefit in giving your mother her rights and then taking your wife's rights away, and there is even less benefit in giving the wife her rights and taking your mother's rights away because that's an even greater sin in Islam.
Rather, you have to balance between them.
Most of the time, the problem here lies with the husband. Both relationships must be nurtured independently and justly.
In many cases, the root of the problem lies with the husband.
He may lack clarity about the rights of his mother, wife, and children, leading to imbalances and conflicts.
For example:
- If he neglects his mother, she may take out her frustration on his wife.
- If he fails to set respectful boundaries with his mother, she may overstep and mistreat his wife.
The husband must take responsibility to:
- Educate himself on the Islamic rights of both his mother and his wife.
- Set boundaries with his mother in a respectful and kind manner, ensuring she does not oppress his wife.
- Advise his mother privately if she is overstepping or behaving unfairly, without involving his wife in the confrontation.
By fulfilling his responsibilities, the husband can stand before Allah with a clear conscience, knowing he has done his best to uphold justice and balance in his family.
Breaking the Cycle of Oppression:
It’s important to recognize that such conflicts often stem from cultural expectations rather than Islamic teachings. Many families fall into a cycle where a daughter-in-law is oppressed, and when she becomes a mother-in-law, she perpetuates the same behavior.
Islam provides the solution to this cycle of ignorance (Jahiliyyah). When family members are guided by Islamic principles—rather than cultural norms—these issues can be resolved. The mother-in-law, husband, and wife must all strive to follow Islamic teachings in their interactions.
Additionally, the wife should reflect on how she treats her own daughter-in-law (if applicable), ensuring she does not repeat the same mistakes. Breaking this cycle requires conscious effort and adherence to Islamic values.
Seeking External Help:
In some cases, involving others who can mediate or offer advice may be beneficial. For example:
- The father-in-law may be able to advise his wife (the mother-in-law) to ease her expectations or treatment of the daughter-in-law.
- Trusted family members or community leaders can provide guidance to all parties involved.
However, the ultimate responsibility lies with the husband to take charge, balance the rights of his family members, and ensure justice prevails.
Conclusion:
The key to resolving such conflicts lies in adhering to Islamic principles:
- The wife should respond with kindness and patience for the sake of Allah.
- The husband must balance the rights of his mother and wife, ensuring neither is neglected.
- Both parties should seek to break the cycle of oppression by following Islamic guidance rather than cultural norms.
By doing so, Allah (Azzawajal) can bring about reconciliation (Islah) and restore harmony within the family. As always, Allah knows best.
— Answered by Ustadh Muhammad Tim Humble
