Note: The following transcript was generated using AI and may contain inaccuracies.
Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. To all the brothers and sisters who are tuning in at home to another episode of Ahabur Sabirin. Once again, I'm honored to be joined by Ustadh Abdul Rahman Hassan.
Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. How are you doing Ustadh? Mashallah, good to see you. So the previous two episodes, we started kind of like a mini series on kind of like the Muslim family if you want to call it that.
So we did an episode on a righteous wife and then we followed that up with an episode on a righteous husband. And now to complete the trilogy inshallah, what I wanted to do is do an episode on raising a righteous child. So that's what this episode is all going to be all about inshallah.
And at the same time actually on our channel, either it's going to be coming soon or perhaps it's even come already. We're not sure yet depending on when this episode is going to be released. But we're actually going to be focusing on junior content.
So content that is aimed for around about 8 to 16 to 18 year olds, juniors, young adults. We want to actually target these people specifically because ultimately they are the future of this ummah. And although they can no doubt benefit from some of the other content that we have on our channel, we also want to produce tailored specific content for them to help them develop, to nurture them.
So this is also part of that kind of series as well. And for anybody who hasn't seen that kind of content yet, whether you're in that age group or whether you're a parent who has children in that age group, then definitely subscribe to the channel inshallah because it's coming very soon. So Ustad, I'm going to give it over to you to start as I always do inshallah.
Any way you want to start is completely up to you. Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen. Lahu alhamdul hasan wa thana'u al jameel.
Wa ashadu an la ilaha illallah wahdahu la sharika lah. Yaqulu al haqqa wa huwa yahdi al sabeel. Wa ashadu anna muhammadan abduhu wa rasooluh.
Sallallahu alayhi wa ala alihi wa ashabihi wa tabi'ina lahum bihsani ila yawm al deen. Amma ba'd. Inshallah ta'ala, when it comes to tarbiyat al awlaad, in nurturing and cultivating children, there's a few points that you have to discuss and talk about in order to have a good understanding of the topic.
Inshallah ta'ala, and I hope the people who are watching are also going to be able to benefit from it. I'd just like to put out a framework that inshallah I'm going to work with. So the first point I want to mention inshallah and I want to speak about is the importance of tarbiyat al awlaad.
Why is it so important? If you look at some parents, the concept of having children is like society. People ask me all the time, why are you not having children? Some people are like that. So when they get married, parents, family members ask, oh is your wife pregnant yet? And so the child is like more of a, it comes with marriage straight away.
But people don't understand, marriage comes and maybe people are not ready to have children yet. They need to both work together in order to see if they can actually have children now. Because it's something you have to prepare for.
It requires preparation. Some people now, they have this belief, sometimes sadly enough I have to be honest, it's the old Somali culture as well, which is the man again just wants to marry the woman, have children, and he doesn't care how they grow up, doesn't care what their lifestyle is. And sadly enough, I'll be honest with you, I've actually met a few people who don't even recall their children's names.
That's how many children they've had. And that's mainly back home when you go. I know one of my uncles, he named his children the same name.
Or maybe he forgot that he had that name before. I don't know what the reason was. But that's common.
Sometimes they're sad and you're like, why are you sad for? It's like my wife hasn't had children in the last few years. But you've got 10 kids, you haven't taken care of any of them. You don't know what their lifestyle is.
You don't even know how they are. It's just more, more, more, more. Get it out.
Don't let it be in your system. Just let it out. Let the children out.
She has to give birth. If she can't, then get married to another one. So I think we need to understand the importance of this topic.
The second point inshallah ta'ala is, what does it mean tarbiyyatul awlaad? If you don't have a right perception of the thing, you're never going to be able to do justice. And if I don't know your value and I don't know who you are, I won't give you the respect you deserve. So everything is like that.
If someone doesn't know the value of the Qur'an, he can't value the Qur'an. If someone doesn't know the importance of something and its meaning and its reality, he won't be able to give it justice. So I think that's the second point I want to talk about inshallah ta'ala.
The second, sorry, the third point I want to talk about is jawanibul tarbiyah. Jawanibul tarbiyah means the different perspectives tarbiyyatul awlaad enters. Because a lot of people, they understood from nurturing children physically.
That's it. So is it restricted only to the physical side or is it more than that? Inshallah I want to also talk about. The fourth point I want to talk about is, when it comes to tarbiyyatul awlaad, who are the people that play a role in the nurturing of the children? And I'm going to compare that with how it used to be back in the days and now the time that we're living in inshallah ta'ala.
The next point inshallah ta'ala, which is the fourth point, sorry, the fifth point, right? The fifth point inshallah ta'ala is how the shari'ah has encouraged us when it comes to the nurturing and the cultivating of the children. So I'm going to be quite, evidence is here inshallah ta'ala. The sixth inshallah, sorry, the sixth point inshallah ta'ala I want to talk about is, oh that was the sixth, the seventh one inshallah ta'ala.
So this is the seventh. The seventh one inshallah ta'ala I want to talk about is, how can we actually reach that point we're looking for in tarbiyyatul awlaad, nurturing our kids inshallah ta'ala. Those are the few points I want to go in.
I might not be in that, I might not go according to that order, because it's a natural conversation we're having, but these seven points inshallah ta'ala, I'm going to go inshallah ta'ala through it bismillah al-kareem. Let me, can I start with the first one inshallah ta'ala, the importance of tarbiyyatul awlaad. The importance of tarbiyyatul awlaad becomes very clear if you look at the seer of the Prophet ﷺ and the biography of our Messenger ﷺ, how he was, like if you look at how he was salawatullah wa salam to his grandchildren, how he was to his daughter Fatima radhiyallahu ta'ala anha, and how he was to Abdullah ibn Abbas and others.
When the Prophet said to Abdullah ibn Abbas, ya ghulam inni u'allimuka karimat, ihfadhi allaha yahfadhi, ihfadhi allaha tajidhu tujahat, ila sa'alta fa sa'ali allah, wa ila ista'anta fa ista'im bi allah, wa alam anna al-ummah, law ijtama'u ala an yafa'uka bishayin, lam yafa'uka illa bishayin qad katabahu allahu lam, wa ila ijtama'u ala an yadurruka bishayin, lam yadurruka illa bishayin qad katabahu allahu arih, rufi'ati al-aqlam wa jaffati al-suhuf. Al-Imam al-Tirbi narrated this in his Jamia. You have to understand, Nabila Muhammad, he is the leader of the Muslims.
He is a Prophet sent from Allah. He's got so much important things in life to do. The responsibilities and everything that are on him.
With that being said, he was focusing on educating the young. Ya ghulam, inni u'allimuka, I'm going to teach you. Young boy, Abdullah ibn Abbas was said, that when the Prophet, salallahu alayhi wa sallam, had passed away, he was either 13.
That's a view. Another view says that he's 15. Another view actually said he's 17.
He's definitely younger than these ages at the point where the Prophet was educating him, alayhi salatu wa salam. So, the second reason, or second point that shows you the importance of tarbiyat al-awlaad is, if we look at al-wadu al-hali, the situation that we're in today, how the people are today. It's not like it used to be, man.
Shahid. The way it is right now, is very scary, how it used to be back in the days. As I'm going to speak about it later, there were things that used to help a person in nurturing their children properly.
But now, it's limited just to the parents. Even the misajis don't want you to bring your children. People are, tarbiyat al-awlaad now become restricted to the house.
Everyone has to do it. Every parent, mother and father have to do it themselves. The things that helped you are no longer there anymore.
Or they're very little, in many places around the world. You're worried to let your child step out of the house, because either something bad is going to be done to your child, or your child is going to be influenced in a bad way. Vultures, and evil people are waiting for your children.
So, those two I want to mention. There are 10 points, but I just want to focus on those two main reasons, are enough for us to understand the importance of tarbiyat al-awlaad now. I think you mentioned, like you said, in the Somali community, where it's just seen as a thing, just having babies, having babies, even in the West.
I think it's just seen as a natural thing to do. You know you live this life where you just go to school, you go to university, you get a job, you get married, you have kids. But no one realises that actually that part of having kids is a huge responsibility.
And often actually, you don't realise it until you become a parent yourself. And then you realise it's such a responsibility. But in reality, the child has rights for you before you even get married.
It's true. And your responsibility is to pick a spouse that is going to be good for the child, is going to raise the child the right way. So this responsibility starts really way before people start thinking about it.
It's so true, you're right. It does. But then when you get married, you still have a second chance sometimes.
Is this mother going to be the right one? Am I going to be, this woman can say, is this the father I can trust with my children? There's a chance you both can say, you know what, it's become clear to me man, I can't trust you to be the father of my kids. I'm sorry man, I'm leaving this marriage. Or the father says to the sister, look, I've assessed the situation and you're not suitable to be the mother of my kids.
And everyone still has that second chance. Don't just bring children into a toxic environment. Either that or you both agree that, OK, we're not ready, let's work on it.
Let's work on it together and then we're going to have kids once we're ready, inshallah. Correct, correct. Yes, correct.
Also, what does it actually mean, raising children? The concept of raising children. What does it actually mean, raising children? You hear this word, raising, you give your children raising, you need to give your children raising, are you giving your children raising? So the reality, what does it mean? What does it actually mean? It means, nurturing and cultivating your child for this world and the hereafter. OK.
Both. A lot of people sometimes they think it's just for this world. And some people think it's just the hereafter.
So it's, the child learns مصالحهم الدنياوية والأخروية The children, they learn their benefits in this world and the benefits of the hereafter. That's what they learn. That's your responsibility as the parent.
That's what it means when I say I'm giving Tarbiyah to my children. I am preparing them. تنشيئة الجيل القادم The next generation that's coming into this world who are going to be the next prime ministers and the presidents who are going to be the next engineers and doctors and علماء They have to be prepared.
اعداد كامل A complete preparation for this dunya and how to tackle everything in it and the hereafter and how they need to get a good place in Jannah and have high aspiration when it comes to the hereafter. This is what Tarbiyah means. And if someone doesn't understand that his observation of Tarbiyah means Oh, my child's got a degree.
Yeah, but he's an atheist. Or my child, yeah, he's in the masjid. But then he's عالة يتكففون الناس He's begging the people.
He doesn't make no income for himself. He's not working at all. But he's in the masjid.
You haven't prepared your child for what was really meant to be there. So I think this is where a lot of parents actually find this very difficult because sometimes there are situations where it seems like the two are conflicting with each other when you have a choice to make. For example, your child is just about to go to school.
You have a choice between sending them to an Islamic school but their grades are very poor there or you send them to a secular school which has got really high grades but it's non-Muslims and everything. And they don't know what to do in these kinds of situations. What would your advice be there just generally? You see the environment for a child who isn't receiving any guidance from his parents is very, very toxic for a child.
It's dangerous, isn't it? Yeah, it's conflicting. Especially if what's coming to him is very bad and it's larger in quantity and more consistent than the guidance that he receives from home. It's going to have a negative effect on the child.
You know, just on that point, I think that's where that's something that's really, really important that's worth mentioning. Any kind of decision you make about your child's education, your child's school, it doesn't replace the Tarbiyah that they have to have at home. That home Tarbiyah always needs to be there and often it can be it can even eradicate the things that are the harms that are coming to the child from school, for example.
I remember something you told me about your dad. Your dad used to send you to a school in the UK but when he used to come back, he used to sit you guys down and say, okay, what did you learn today? What did you learn today? We heard this, we heard this. Before we went to school as well in the morning, before we even went to school in the morning, my father would basically give us little reminders.
We'd pray Salatul Asr with him and one of us would lead the Salat. He would basically, he would pour so much benefit into us. Then we would go to school and then when we came back from school, again, he would talk to us about what we learnt.
What did you hear in the playground? Remove this, that's not correct. That's beautiful and that's where it comes down to because a lot of people when they have this kind of decision to make between school and education or Islamic school, secular school, they don't realize that the taboo that they have at home, that's essentially what's going to be most important and sometimes what they think is that it's a hard thing. It's not an easy thing.
It's a hard thing. Some parents, they're busy with work. They're busy with other responsibilities.
They've got to pay bills. They just want to send their kids away and that's it and just leave it there. True.
The question now, I think, a lot of people should be asked and every one of us should ask ourselves as well is the places where Tarbiyah enters. Tarbiyah actually enters nurturing the child and cultivating him. His logic and his thinking process.
The parent has to challenge the child's brain. Practical steps we're going to give but we want these frameworks to be understood. The child's aqal and his thinking and how he sees things.
Parents need to make the child grow from that perspective. It's sad, wallahi. Sometimes you see a child who's that big Allahumma barik physically, well healthy.
You can see it and when he talks or when he converses with you you can see his brain wasn't and there's no medical reason for the child. It's just that he didn't have parents who were talking to him and allowing him to mentally and rationally grow. So it's a problem on the parent's side not the child.
Also, the child has to be nurtured nafsiyan. Ya'ani, his nafs. Because we know the nafs is three types as Allah Ta'ala mentioned in the Quran.
Allah says in the Quran the first type may Allah give us this nafs is called nafsul mutmainna. It's the nafs that's tranquil. And Allah mentions it in surah al-fajr.
Ya'ayyatuhannafsul mutmainna irji'i ila rabbiki radhiyatan mardiya This nafs is tranquil upon the truth. It's found its place in this world and what awaits for it in hereafter is just amazing. The second one is called nafsul lawwama.
It blames itself. Ya'ani, there's good and there's bad in it. And it's consistently being pulled and pushed by those two elements, those two things.
Sometimes the good is strong and he's with the good people. It's the one Allah mentioned in surah al-qiyamah. laa uqsimu bi yawm al-qiyamah wa laa uqsimu bin nafsil lawwama nafsil lawwama here is the one that blames itself.
It's always blaming itself. Oh, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have said that.
So Allah mentioned it laa uqsimu bi yawm al-qiyamah wa laa uqsimu bin nafsil lawwama The third type is nafsul, the soul which is al-amaratul-sul. Allah mentions in surah Yusuf wa maa ubarri'u nafsi inna al-nafs al-amaratul-sul ila maa rahma rabbi This was the one that commands the person evil. It's given into its, ya'ani, its desires.
It's a nafs that is captive for its desires. It's a slave for its desires. As Ibn al-Qayyim mentions in his Nuniya, harabu min al-riqi alladhi khuliqu lahu fabulu bi riqi al-nafsi wa al-shaytaani They basically ran away from being slaves to Allah, but they became slaves for their nafs and shaytaan.
They're the ones Allah talks about. fara'ayta man ittakhadha ilaahahu hawa So as a parent, your child is innocent. He doesn't have al-nafs al-amaratul-sul Innocent.
Kids are very innocent. It's the role of the parent to be tarbiyah of that nafs as well. The third part that the parent has to be tarbiyah of, the first one was the aqal, the second one is the nafs, the third is the physical side of the child as well.
A lot of people think the tarbiyah of the child's physical side is that he looks good, he's big, he's eating a lot, but they don't realize that if your child's not eating healthy, it's going to affect his life as well. So parents should not give their children fizzy drinks and snacks and all of these things, and things that have so much sugar in it, reduce on that, because it does affect the child's memorization, number one. It also affects the child's thinking process.
The child is so tired. A lot of parents are like, I'm trying to make my son memorize the Qur'an. He just had a fattened fruitless.
Or he had a mountain dew. The parent is unable to force the child or even tell the child to sit down and listen to Qur'an or memorize. He's so full of energy, because there's so much glucose, so much energy is in his system.
So giving a good diet to your child, again, is the tarbiyah that the child has. Another angle that it enters is teaching, nurturing, the angle it enters is Ijtema'iyan. You have to prepare your child for the community and the people.
He can't just be alone now. He has to live with society and people. A lot of people, if you look at it, especially the ones who are by themselves, kids who were born, have no siblings, you can always tell this, a lot of them who haven't been taught, they have this selfishness in them.
They're used to getting everything they want. They don't have to share their toys, they don't have to share anything. Entitlement.
Yeah, entitlement, yeah. And this is mine, why is it being taken away from me? And they genuinely just don't understand society. Or even people just don't get along with them.
Your child, you have to prepare them or her or him, your child, you have to prepare them for society and the community. This is the people he's going to live with and co-exist with. He has to have the manners and the attitude and the mindset and the brain of dealing with people.
Can he? A lot of people are not. And inshallah ta'ala, I'm going to come to all of these practical steps inshallah, how to do it. Also your child, he's not always going to be with society.
So can't he work alone? This is another angle. Needs to be balanced, doesn't it? Yeah, it has to be. He shouldn't rely on people all the time.
I can't do this by myself, I need people to help me. You have to prepare your child to be independent as well and to rely on his own efforts. These are all, these are some of it by the way, but these are all the angles in which the tarbiyah enters.
And as you can see, we have a very deficient observation. It's like, as he memorises, as he just, that's all we see it. But we're literally, wallahi we should literally look at we're either creating the next serial killer or we're making the next righteous Muslim scholar or Muslim leader or Muslim doctor, whatever it may be.
It's a big task, wallahi. It's a full time job. It's very comprehensive.
It's not just from one angle, one perspective. It needs all round care. And you know wallahi, even though we spoke about this topic before the issue of wives and husband, there's also, it's always connected with this topic, which is how subhanallah, we've been convinced, especially our sisters have been convinced that being a housewife, taking care of your children is a rubbish role.
How a father has been convinced as well in being a career man where he's focused on his career alone and he abandons his children's future he's talking about his mortgage, he's talking about his house, he's talking about how many properties he has and his children are selling drugs on the street. Or he's the local imam of the masjid talking to the people, doing khutab and ghurus and his children are causing the biggest havoc on the streets. It's a con and it's sad to say we've had the wall pulled over our eyes.
Of course it comes from the west but it's not restricted to the west anymore because the internet is everywhere, like I always say. But this concept that a woman has to be a career woman, she has to go get a job and a man should also focus on his career. It's not a surprise that the people who benefit the most from this is the government.
It's true. They've got two taxpayers now so they're getting more money, they're getting more money. The economy, that's all they care about.
They just care about lining their own pockets. It's really sad to say that we, number one, as human beings and then number two, even as Muslims have fallen for this trap. A woman now, when she looks at this, she actually thinks that that's what I should be doing with my life.
And then it's a societal thing as well because she'll be living amongst the non-Muslims and that's what they'll be doing and then she'll be like, OK, my friends are doing that so let me do that and this is the right thing to do. And it's really, really sad. Shahid, I was studying linguistics in university and one of the things that you learn in linguistics is language shift.
One of the modules that we did in linguistics, applied linguistics, was how language has shifted in advertisement from how it was before and how it is now. And one of the videos that we watched in class was the washing liquid, the washing liquid, like aerial, bold, two in one, you know? How a woman was the one that was promoting it. On the adverts.
On the adverts. She's wearing an apron. Yes.
She's in the kitchen. The father comes from work and the kids are on the table and then she's, what do you call it, washing the clothes. And that was it.
You now look at that, it's changed. The men are doing it. Now, the point I'm trying to show is whether the man should help in the house or not, we've spoken about this topic.
Alhamdulillah, we don't go in. I'm speaking from the perspective of how they've taken the mother out of the house. And as you already mentioned, it's because of their greedy perspective which is they want the mother to, or the woman, to go out there and make money and they take tax from her.
So one of the things that caught my attention was if you look at this movement that started which is the Women Liberation Movement in the UK after World War II. A sub-project of the feminism movement. The movement started.
It was actually created after the men came back from war and they came back and they left their mindset with their wives who were at home taking care of the children. So what happened was they came back and when they came back, they saw that the government had already employed the women because the men are at war. Taxes to the government needs to take it.
So they're taking tax from the women. So the government started thinking, okay, there's an idea popped in their heads. Like, wow, we can actually make money from the women and actually really make money.
They're actually doing a better job than the men. Now when the men come back, they're going to tell their wives to go home. So how can we get through to them? So they forced Ghali.
They convinced the women to become feminists. They started advertising it. The men are trying to subjugate you.
And then the women movement liberation started and it was just a selfish move from the government. They don't have masaleh, the benefit of the people in mind. Now the men were like, sorry, this woman is a free woman.
She can do what she wants. He either has to follow the program or not. Now what happens, Shahid, is that the child who's taking care of this child now, who's giving tarbiyah to your child, so you're going to take it to a daycare.
Are you telling me a daycare is going to take care as much as you would take care of your own child? Of course not. 20 kids running around with one person to look after. And without the love and attention either.
No, there's no doubt. That's the reason we're bringing it in this episode. And you know what's actually, Shahid, I really, they have to pay money for the daycare.
So they lose so much money. They end up, Shahid, spending a lot of money that the woman was making. So there's not really money that's made from it.
The wife and the husband are not making a lot of money to be honest. They lost their child. And when they both come home, they're tired.
So they can't spend more time with the child. The child now, he doesn't have any affection from his mother or father. No attention, no appreciation.
And now the child has to be raised by the council flat kids. They have to raise him. They're teaching him how to roll up the first, what's it called? Split.
What's it called? Split. The first split, they're teaching him how to roll it up. All of this is coming from what? From the absence of the mother and the father.
I'm not saying that all these mothers who are going out to work are all, you know, they're feminists. No, not at all. There are some mothers with single mother.
The father or husband just left them with four or five kids. But this is what happens. So, the point I'm trying to come to is Tarbiyah enters all of this.
Yes. Yes. It's more the mentality that we're speaking out against really rather than specific situations or specific households or people.
It's the fact that that's the sad thing here. The innocent child, it's the one that suffers really. It's the child that suffers.
And then guess what? When that child grows older, all it's seen is that his mum has been working or her mum has been working. So then she thinks that this is what I need to do with my life and it's just a cycle that continues. But the really sad thing is that the role of a housewife or a stay-at-home mum, whatever you want to call it, has really been belittled when actually it's the most important role in society.
You're raising the future society. What can possibly be more important than that? That is the one thing, I'm so heartbroken when I think about it. I get saddened by it.
How the housewife, how a mother has been ridiculed, how even, Wallahi, belittled. Some sisters are ashamed when they are filling a form in and they have to tick housewife. No, sister, Wallahi.
Sister, you don't have to work. It's such a noble, noble, noble task. And you don't have to even work, sister.
This man has to provide for you and your children. Islam has given you that. And you know what's funny? Most men, if you ask them, do you enjoy work? They say, no, of course I don't like to work.
Who wants to wake up in the morning, go to the office, on the computer, come back tired? So a woman who doesn't even have to work, now she wants to work. But Shahid, Wallahi, I have to be fair as well, right? Yeah. This is something I saw.
I've spoken to family members, I've spoken to cousins, female cousins of family members. Wallahi, Shahid, there are a lot of sisters who work but don't want to work. Not because of what? There's not a man around them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the man is not just the husband only. He's part of it.
The father isn't providing for his daughter. The husband isn't providing for his wife. The children are not providing for their mother.
You see, so, to be honest, we have to, as men, to be honest, even though we fight with feminism and we mention how we disagree with them, Wallahi, one thing we have to be honest about as men, we have to be fair, is feminism can only exist at a time like this when there's not real men. Feminism wouldn't exist at the time of Bakran, Umar and Uthman, who were real men. It can exist at a time like this when, Wallahi, there's qaleelul wujud, little real men.
Now, I'm not saying feminism is right for it to exist. But we also, as men, have to ask ourselves, every problem that's there, are we playing a role in its existence? We need to ask ourselves, are we contributing to its existence? And I'm, and I have to say that, yes, there's a high percentage of why there are women who feel like they have to go out there and work. Because they can't trust a man to provide for them.
Secondly, if he does provide for her, it's not because he wants to provide for her, it's because he wants to use her as a form of abuse and manipulate her and control her and etc. Now, it goes against exactly what the Prophet, peace be upon him, and his companions. So I think this issue of what constitutes a real man, I think that a podcast needs to be done on that.
We kind of spoke a bit about it in the last episode, remember, when we talked about characteristics of a righteous husband. I don't think we've given it justice. I've got a lot to say, Wallahi.
I've got a lot to tell the brothers on this issue. And it's not just brothers as well. I, myself, when I look at these qualities, there's a lot of things that are missing from us.
So it's something, inshaAllah, all of us can learn from and improve in our lives, inshaAllah. So what I want, inshaAllah, to be mentioned and spoken about here is that the reality of the reality of Tarbiyyatul Awlaad, which I spoke about, the importance of Tarbiyyatul Awlaad, I spoke about it, the different places Tarbiyyatul Awlaad enters, that's not restricted to the physical side only. I also spoke about is, which is a point I want to speak about now, because we're just about to reach our destination, is who are the people or the organizations who should be helping with Tarbiyyatul Awlaad? Now, when we look at those days, the past, the Tarbiyyatul Awlaad, what was done by the masajids, they were helping in the Tarbiyyatul Awlaad, now, wallahi, it's sad, and I think this is, inshaAllah ta'ala, maybe something should be said about it, which is masajids don't let children and parents bring their children to the masajids.
And countries like the West, where am I going to take my child then? If it's not in the masjids, out on the streets. And Shahid, you know what's sad as well, subhanAllah, because even my duroos right now, when I went back to the UK, and I was giving my duroos, I was so happy to see kids running around. Personally, I find that as a good sign.
And going to a masajid, for example, run by the youths. One of the masajids I went to in the UK, yeah, it was run by youths, it was Kilburn Masjid, Sheikh Jamal's masjid. It was run by youths.
I was really impressed with that. I was really impressed with that. To see a masjid run by youth, that's rare.
The youths are not in the masjid. So if they're not in the masjid, where are they? They're out on the streets. Which is what I want to talk about later.
How do you do tarbiyyat al-awlaad, which is giving them responsibilities. All of that, we're going to come to that. Practical steps.
InshaAllah we're going to come to that. Bi'mi Allah al-kareem, inshaAllah wa ta'ala. Also what should help towards tarbiyyat al-awlaad was the community, starting from your neighbours.
Back in the days, wallahi, my parents would say to me, I haven't seen it because I was raised in the UK, but they would say that if we went out and we did something wrong and anyone threw us, it was like it was our uncle. He would correct us, he would tell us off. He would say, who's your mother's name? I'm going to get you in trouble.
And the child was nurtured by this society, the community. Araft, he was told off, he was disciplined, he was corrected by everybody. So this helped towards the tarbiyyat of your children.
Now we can't do that anymore. No one does that, no one cares. Some of the governments won't allow you to do it because the child is like, I'm just calling child services, oh you abused me.
So you can't do it anymore. Yeah, it's a problem. Which I think the government is another thing that maybe used to.
I don't know if it ever used to help with the tarbiyyat of a child. Yeah, you know it's funny. It's actually really funny, I want to mention.
I'm a history teacher in a secondary school. I remember subhanAllah, it was a white, careful guy. His name was David, Allah Allah.
He actually made me love history a lot. He made me love history a lot. The guy knew how to talk about history.
He made, he spoke about history on another level. It was like a style, it was my best subject. The way he used to teach us.
But every class, he would talk about how Britain was before. In the sense where, he's talking, because he was a bit old in age. He would talk about how he used to get beaten and disciplined.
He goes, when those days were there. He'd always mention it. Those days were the days where you kids would be misbehaving yourselves.
He would mention it in every class. Even he realised how important disciplining is and how it has an effect on the child. But the point I'm saying is that the teachers would discipline your children for you.
The children would. The teachers would, sorry. Society would.
Society would. Because other children were good, because the environment was good, your children would be in an environment of other kids who were well behaved. Yeah, yeah.
So you've been helped from many angles. But now brothers and sisters, that's not there anymore. Now it's not just a case where it's actually just not there anymore, so it's neutral.
It's actually these same things have become enemies. Now the society now is not only just not raising your child, but it's actually becoming an enemy and actually raising it the wrong way. That's the problem.
You're fighting these things that used to help you and you're now fighting them. Now I'll add on to that. Go on.
Which is something I'm going to speak about later. Which is something that makes it even worse, which is social media. Yeah.
Oh, it's definitely social media. Because, yeah, this one, we have to do a whole entire podcast on it. On social media and how can we use it.
And the pros and the cons of social media. Like in Shahid, this is also affecting our children. Our children are learning how to walk, how to talk from social media.
A boy who hasn't left his house, a girl who hasn't left her house is telling you, subhanAllah, information. You're like, إِنَّا مِنْ لَهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهَا رَجِعُونَ You see? So inshAllah ta'ala, now that we've reached our destination. These are the points I wanted to inshAllah mention.
And then on the way back, inshAllah ta'ala. I definitely want to go into that more in detail. I want to talk about technology.
I want to talk about social media. Because this really is an episode for the parents. It's about how, what they can do, can they control it, how much they can control it.
So all of these practical steps we're going to talk about, we're just whizzing through the framework. These are frameworks now, inshAllah. Okay, inshAllah.
We'll carry on in the next journey, inshAllah. Okay, so we're back on the road. And Ustadh Ibrahim, if you remind me where we left it off last time, inshAllah.
So, we spoke about the type of thing that helps you do Tarbiyah of your children. The parents is one thing, the masajids, your neighbours, and etc. That's what we mentioned in our last session.
Now I want to speak about how does Islam urge us when it comes to our children. Okay. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, He says in the Quran, O those of you who believe, protect yourselves and your families from the Hellfire.
Protect them from the Hellfire. So this is like a command from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. He's commanding us, subhanahu wa ta'ala, to protect ourselves first and our children.
This is powerful because to be a good parent, you first of all have to rectify yourself. Which is, inshallah ta'ala, I want to speak about ways that you do Tarbiyah. One of them, inshallah ta'ala, is by setting an example for your children.
Children follow you in what you do, how you conduct yourself, and the dealings that you have. Okay. They look at that, they observe it.
They literally imitate you and follow you in these things. And then Allah says, your family. So that's one verse.
Another verse, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, He says, وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاسْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا Command your family the prayer. The salah. Command them, وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ You command, you instruct your family about the prayer.
Because after shahadatayn, after ashadu an la ilaha illallah wa ashadu anna Muhammadan Rasulullah Salah comes. It's next in line. And as a parent, you need to be commanding your children in salah.
Also Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, He says, يُوصِيكُمُ اللَّهُ فِي أَوْلَادِكُمْ Allah gives you a wasiyah regarding your children. Wasiyah, farewell. Regarding your children.
Okay? Also Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, He says, in the Quran, رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَدُرِّيَاتِنَا فُرَّةَ أَعْيُن وَجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا Oh Allah, provide us. This is the dua of the righteous people. رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا Oh Allah, provide us.
Of our wives and our children. مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَدُرِّيَاتِنَا And our progeny. فُرَّةَ أَعْيُن That which our hearts and our eyes find warmth in it.
وَجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا There are many verses in the Quran where Allah talks about the children. Then you have the hadith in Sahihain, in Bukhari and Muslim, that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, كُلُّكُمْ رَاعِمْ وَكُلُّكُمْ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَاعِيَتِهِ فَالرَّجُلُ رَاعِمْ وَهُوَ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَاعِيَتِهِ وَالْمَرْءَةُ رَاعِيَةٌ فِي بَيْتِ زَوْجِهَا وَهِيَ مَسْئُولَةٌ عَنْهَا The Prophet said, every single one of you is a shepherd. And you'll be asked about your flocks of sheep.
You're going to be asked about those who you've been placed responsible over. The man is responsible and he will be questioned يوم القيامة about his wife and his children. And the woman, she's also going to be questioned about her husband's house.
And she's going to be questioned about her children. What has she done and what has she not done? She'll be questioned. Wallahi, back in the day, people used to... Just yesterday, I was talking with a family member.
We were talking about the differences between the young generation and the older generation. What contrast do you see? What differences do you see in us and you guys? He said to me, the difference I see is you guys are an example or you, the younger generation who now were born and bred in the West have shown us that life is not as you used to think it was. And I said, what did it used to be? He said, we believe that if a child is born, you don't have to do anything.
He will come back to you because he knows you're the father. Just let him be. He said, that's something we believe as the older generation.
A father might not even see his son ever. But one way or another, the child will look for his father. He said, that's how we were brought up and that's what we believed.
But he said, when we came to the West, we didn't realize that that mindset doesn't work here. No, it never, it shouldn't have worked anywhere, I said, uncle. There or then, or here or that, it doesn't matter.
It should not in any way, shape or form have been the case. Where's the hadith? كُلُّكُمْ رَاعٍ وَكُلُّكُمْ مَسْئُولٌ عَرَّائِيَةٍ You're going to be questioned. How can you just block them somewhere? He said, that's just ignorance that we have.
There's a hadith في الصحيحين من حديث معقل ابن يسام There's a hadith بخاري المسلم This hadith scares me a lot personally. Whenever I look at it, it reminds me a lot how important it is when I raise my children. The Prophet said مَا مِنْ عَبْدٍ يَسْتَرْعِلْ لَهُ الرَّعِيَةِ That there is not a person Allah places upon them responsibility.
وَوَغَاشٌ لِّلرَّعِيَةِ And he forsakes that responsibility. He comes يوم القيامة and he hasn't done what was upon him. إِلَّا حَرَّمَ اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ الْجَنَّةِ Except Jannah is haram for him.
That scares me a lot. That hadith scared me a lot. That when you come يوم القيامة you have forsaken the rights of your parents, the rights of your children, the rights of your wife, the rights of your neighbors, the rights of your Muslim brothers.
You will come يوم القيامة This hadith is dangerous. It's scary. It's scary.
So this hadith shows and all the other evidence that I brought it shows how Islam gives importance to the nurturing and the cultivation of the children. That you nurture them and you cultivate them accurately. Yeah, I think that needs to be split up as a separate segment and it's just for all of the ayat, the hadith, that shows how important this topic is.
This is not something that we're just talking about just leisurely, casually. This is something that affects every single one of us. Every single one of us who have children.
And it's something that is really, really important. I want to go back to the ayah that you mentioned. يَا أَيُّهُمْ لَذِينَ أَمَنُوا قُوْءًا فُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِكُمْ نَارًا When Allah says قُوْءًا فُسَكُمْ first and you touch on this it shows the importance of the parent correcting themselves first.
It's not the case that the parent himself is lackadaisical about his religion but once he has a child he sends the child to madrasah and he wants him to become a khafid or khafidah and themselves they're not making any effort in the deen. Because like you said, You can say one thing but actually your actions will have more of an impact on your child. I've heard stories of how fathers will say one thing but they'll do something and the child will just automatically imitate them.
You know what happened? SubhanAllah I went to Egypt to seek knowledge and my mother also came. And my mother enrolled in the Arabic program that we were doing. MashaAllah.
If I tell you this, my mother actually finished the whole entire Arabic program from the first class to the last. Allahu Akbar. She went through every single class.
She passed the first level, the second level, the third level. Back then, I'm talking about over 16 years ago. It was the best markaz at that time when it came to learning and studying.
A lot of people would go to was markaz al fajr. Okay. The fajr was the best in Egypt at that time.
And I don't know now that's why. So markaz al fajr, I went to it. My younger brother went and my mother went as well.
I stopped when I finished the markaz, the levels that were needed from me. My mother went on to doing the extra levels you don't even need to do. Allahu Akbar.
And I was shocked because I would leave in the morning and I'd see my mum reading. So what kind of impact did that have on you? It was really positive because then my mother used to have, she convinced her friends to go to the markaz with her as well. She encouraged them.
So a few of them actually went with her to the institute to study. And what happened was my mum would, every day she would request for me to sit down and teach her friends. That was the first class I actually taught.
Allahu Akbar. The first class I ever taught was my mother and her friends. And I remember what Allah used to teach them.
المبتدأ مرفوع وعالم And I used to teach them. And then I would divide the types of مبتدأ, the types of خبر. يعني All of this was not the types of مبتدأ but the types of خبر.
I would mention the different types of sentences. And if they didn't understand, these are mothers, right? These are aunties. If they didn't understand, they're going to tell you.
I don't want to tell you I'm going to explain it again. And because my Somali was at their best, there was that barrier. It wasn't the best.
So it was hard to explain the sophisticated points to them. They would try to push me to it. And I learnt, subhanAllah, from their teaching skills.
And some parents who might be watching this, they might actually need this. They might have actually not been practising the religion like they would have liked to. But then as soon as they have a child, they think, okay, now I need to take it more seriously.
I'm going through something similar with my daughter. My daughter is one years old now, mashaAllah. I haven't memorised the Quran.
So how can I tell my daughter to memorise the Quran when she's going to look at me and say, daddy, you haven't done it. Why am I going to do it? So this is more of a motivation for me now to prioritise my memorisation and increase my memorisation. And you know, I want to say something.
If it happens that you didn't memorise the Quran, if she sees you trying, Allah Akbar. Yeah, you're right. It's the fact that you're trying and you're not taking it lightly.
And you're going out of your way to actually make it happen. Yeah. I mean, it's very important.
There's one more hadith that I want to mention which is not more of a command. I think you brought a lot of evidence that show that this is an obligation upon us really. But there's one more hadith just more out of encouragement or anything else.
When the Prophet s.a.w. said when a person dies, all of his deeds are cut off except for three things. And from one of those three things is, The fact that a righteous child making dua for you can actually benefit you even after you're dead. That's a huge motivation for all of us to really focus on our children and make them righteous and make them people that will make dua for us.
Allahu Akbar. Wallahi, it's powerful. If a person dies, his actions will come to an end.
You will stop accumulating righteous deeds unless you have come with what? One of these three, unless you have it. From them is, A righteous child. And another is knowledge you've left behind.
So when you're teaching your children, when you're teaching your children knowledge, that's also something that you've left behind. That's right. That's right.
You know what's also said by the Prophet s.a.w. is, Enough for you assuming that you forsake those you are responsible over. That's scary. The one that you mentioned as well about KhadamAllahu Jannah.
The one that Allah will make Jannah Khadam for. That's so scary. Wallahi, that's really really scary.
I've not heard that before. Yeah. Hadith of the Prophet s.a.w. where he said, Command your children the prayer when they're seven.
And when they reach ten, discipline them on it. Discipline them. If they don't pray.
Yeah. Right? And separate them in the house. In the bed.
Not the house, sorry. In the bed. The boys and girls can't sleep together.
You see? From ten? Yeah, from the age of ten onwards. Some kids, actually to be honest, they actually are quick in their observation. They can sense certain things.
So maybe earlier there might be for some of those kids. But generally speaking, from the age of ten onwards, the child is, they're separate. The boys and girls can't sleep together.
Wallahi, this is, the more you think about it, these things that we don't do have a, if we don't do these things, have a negative effect on our children. We're seeing today stories of siblings being very intimate with one another. People fighting for that.
Why? Because of this. Because of these practices that started at a very young age between the siblings. And they grew up in that way.
Sah? Yeah. So, they're very dangerous. I remember, subhanAllah, what do you call it, a case where a sister was very in love with her own brother.
And so, as she said, it started when we were very young. We used to eat together, we used to sleep together, we used to... Ahh. Wallahi, you know when you're in da'wah and you see problems from the community and everything, you start to appreciate these hadiths.
It becomes a reality, you see. It wakes you up, you see. This was so easy to solve.
Yeah, and these issues, sorry, they were so easy to avoid if we just did this. And it's now harder to solve because these guidelines weren't following. For another example, is that one of the things when it comes to your household and your family is that you don't premix with other opposite genders.
You should not premix. One of the bad tarbi that people bring to the house is any individual can come to the house. Any man can come into your children's house.
Never. No one should be in the house unless you're there under your supervision. It doesn't matter how righteous that person is.
It doesn't matter how noble that person is. In no circumstances can we trust anybody to be in the house with our children. And you'll find, subhanAllah, young girls, 7, 8, 9, 10 Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi wa raj'oon being molested by an uncle.
Sheikh, it's an uncle. Which? Your father's brother's cousin's uncle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What on earth? Where does he come from? He's an uncle. He's just an uncle, yeah. Now this shows, and I think now people are becoming, because of the sick world that we live in, people are now becoming more familiar with these kinds of things.
But the Sunnah 1400 years ago provided solutions to these things. And that's why Islam is so comprehensive. In the same hadith you mentioned, it's talking about the Salah and it's also talking about separating them from the beds.
It's not just a case that Islam is going to come and tell you how to do your ritualistic acts of worship. It's actually more comprehensive than that and it's going to give you guidelines on how to govern everything. So now I want to mention how do you do Tarbiyah of the children? I'm going to give a few things that we need to do.
The first one, we mentioned it before we touched on it. Number one is Ikhtiyar al-zawdat al-saliha Choosing a righteous wife and the wife among the sister choosing a righteous husband. Many people dismiss this or kind of forget it.
Tarbiyah starts from the man that you choose, sister. Brother, Tarbiyah starts from the woman you choose. And Alhamdulillah, I think we covered that in our two previous Aabri Sabeel sessions.
We spoke about it. Which is, this person that you're going to have children with is this person a person you can trust your children with? From our perspective, can he be a good impact on your children's life? An apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as they say. Children mimic and imitate their parents.
They follow their mother and they follow their father. Step by step. The parents are the first teachers of this child.
So the first thing you need to do is sister, don't choose the guy based on your desire. Choose him based on qualities. Don't choose him because you saw him on TikTok and he looked good.
Or you saw him on Instagram or Snapchat. Or Facebook or AARD. No, base quality.
Look at the quality that this man possesses. Is he going to be taking care of you financially? Is he going to take care of your children? Is he going to give them good Tarbiyah? Sister, you have to look at that. Number two.
Brother, look at this woman. That you're going to make the mother of your children. Can you trust her with your children? If you can't trust this woman with an egg, why would you trust her with your children? Do you understand? So, select the right person.
Very important. And that's why the Prophet said in the hadith, إِذَا جَاءَكُمْ مَن تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ فَزَوِّدُوهُ If a person who has أخلاق and has religion comes to you, the Prophet said, marry them off. If someone who, sister, a brother approaches you, he has اسلاب, he's got religion and he's also got good manners, the Prophet said, فَزَوِّدُوهُ مَرِيْهُمْ أَنْ The parents, the guardians, marry this man off to this girl now.
And of course, she wants it as well. The Prophet said, فَإِلَّا تَفْعَلُوهُ إِذْ نَتَفْعَلُوهُ تَكُنْ فِي الْأَرْضِ فِتْنَةٍ وَسْتَسْتَعِدُونَ عَرِيْبٌ There's going to be a big calamity on this earth. Now, there's some scholars who weaken the hadith, and each discussion, pull and push on the discussion of the authentication of the hadith, even though I lean towards the authentication of the hadith, but the meaning without a shadow of a doubt.
Also, the Prophet did say, and we spoke about this in great detail in our previous podcast, تُنْكَحُ الْمَرْءَةُ الْأَرْضَةِ A woman is married for one of four reasons. لِمَانِهَا وَلِجَمَانِهَا وَلِحَسَدِهَا وَلِدِينِهَا فَفَرُّ بِغَيْتِ الدِّينِ تَرِضَتْ يَدَاكُ A woman is married for either her beauty, she's also either married for her lineage, she's married either for her wealth, or she's married off, or she's married for her religion. The Prophet then said, فَفَرُّ بِغَيْتِ الدِّينِ تَرِضَتْ يَدَاكُ مَنْ يَعَلْبُ دَسْتِهِ So when you're choosing a woman, شاهد, you have to choose a different religion.
If a sister wants to marry, the same with a brother, the same with a sister, when she's choosing a brother, let it be for a religious reason, and marriage, and everything else, let it follow after that. They want luck, money, and everything. You can.
Make these two your first priority, of course. Okay? That's the first way to be Tarbiyah, of who you selected. Number two, which is a way to be Tarbiyah, الدعاة A lot of people forget this.
Yeah, that's true. We took the ayah before, رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَادِنَا وَدُرْضِيَاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنْ وَاجْعَبْنَا لِهِ Make a dua for your children. And the dua of the mother and the father, Subhanallah.
The Prophet said, ثلاثة Three دعاؤهم لا ترد Their dua is not rejected. Three types of people, when they supplicate, they make dua, it's never rejected. You know from the three is, والد لولدها والد I'm a والدة Mother Or a والد A father Dua is their challenge.
Their dua is not rejected. And I used to, Subhanallah, some parents who thought their children are gone, they've lost it, they're on the streets selling drugs, their mother will stand up at night, قيام الليل Cry to Allah, beg Allah. And one brother once said to me, والله يا أخي, do you know what made me change parents? I woke up one night, was going to go out with my boys, I was going to go and club, and I woke up and I heard my mother making dua, Salam.
I went into the room, she was crying, I said mum, what are you doing? She said, that was it, I stopped going to it. My mother goes to Islamic University, not Medina, they're a med school. Wow.
Allahu Akbar. Full 180 from his previous life. Exactly.
Wow. People, people don't actually understand that they're out of the mother and the father, especially the mother, very powerful. There's one example from your childhood, which I hope you don't mind me mentioning, but you told me this before, that whenever your father used to get angry at you, he used to say, الله يبعث Yeah.
Which means, may Allah be pleased with you. That's true. Even that kind of dua, is a dua.
Yeah. Very good dua. Yeah.
Even when we get angry, the thing that we should teach our sons, is dua towards your children. Because you never know when, that dua is going to be accepted. That's right.
That's right. The third one is, تسمية عند الجماعة Shaykh, when you have a sexual intercourse with your partner, you remember Allah Ta'ala. The Prophet said, صلى الله عليه وسلم that if a person, when he wants to come to his family, and he wants to have sexual intercourse, he says, بسم الله اللهم جنبنا الشيطان و جنب الشيطان مما رزقتنا The Prophet then said in a hadith, فإن رزق الله بينهما well if Allah gives them a child, from that sexual intercourse they just had, فلن يضره الشيطان الشيطان will not harm them.
Isn't that the biggest enemy we have out there? Yeah. Who's causing us to do so many bad things. Who made a promise, لأقعد لهم سراطك المستقيم ثم لا يأتي أنهم من بين أيديهم و من خلفهم وعن أيمانهم وعن شمائلهم ولا تجدوا أكثرهم شاكرين Is he not the one who said that? He is.
Ibis. عليه العين والله He is the one who is now not going to be able to harm your child. From the day that child came, you protected him.
Don't be a person who forgets that. You know what Shaheed, Wallahi this shows a person's Islam. It shows a person's what? It shows a person's Islam.
That they remember Allah SWT at times when humans don't. It's very true. Like when you're hungry and you're eating, you say Bismillah.
Generally your mind is preoccupied with the food. So remember to say Bismillah when you're having sexual intercourse with your spouse. And it shows that you have a good connection with Allah, right? It's very true.
And it's a reflection of you being a righteous person, right? That's why a lot of us don't remember these things. We forget these things. We don't make this dua.
And these are things that can help us in the course of our child's upbringing. What do you think? Yeah, I think what's so profound is that it shows how early the Tarbiyah starts. Many people in your position as an Imam and a religious figure, many people might come to you when their kid is at 15, 16 years old and say, Sheikh, I need some advice.
My child is struggling. What do I do? Not realising that this starts all the way before you're even thinking about having children. It's when you're actually choosing your spouse.
How profound is that? And all the way, even you have to correct yourself. You have to work on yourself. As the Arabs say, The one who hasn't got something, he can't give it.
So if you yourself are not religiously upright and steadfast, how are you going to raise children like that? And even before you have intercourse. We haven't even got to the birth of the child yet. And we've been speaking for about 10-15 minutes about what a parent can do to raise a righteous child.
The next one is, the way to be Tawdeet ul Awlaad is being present at the times of good and the times when they're low. Being present. A lot of people, they're not there when the child is going through their goods and their hard times.
And if they're not, the child will find someone else. They'll find someone else to replace you. I remember, I think I said this before, I would sometimes go to my sibling's house and I would see things which were Mahburat, things that are not allowed, things I don't like, which is television, and children playing on gadgets and things like that, which I'm not, I don't like.
So, when I go, I start telling my sibling, what is this? Stop being a stalker for your child. Protect your child from all of this. What are you doing to me? Okay, why isn't your child memorizing a lot of Quran? Why, why, why, why? One of my sisters once said to me, why are you always coming to the house and start policing us? Just kick down the door.
No, not literally, I don't kick the door down. But you come storming into the house and straight away you want to say, this is wrong, no one should do this, this is right, it should be done. Look, you're not here in our lives.
I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. Similar experience.
I was like, yeah, that makes sense. It does, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. It's like the only time you come in, if you were there, you're calling them, how are you doing, how's everything, visiting them, they're much more likely to take advice from you.
Yes. Or even the days that she's down, and she needs help, like you didn't want me to help you, so you want me to do something for you, call her up, see how she's doing. So, through my deen with my siblings, I've just learned the way that my children will be like as well.
Yeah, yeah, good point, good point. That my children are going to be the same. They're going to say, why are you always interested in telling us what to do and what not to do, but you're never there to help us through our struggles.
Yeah, it's a very good point. And one thing I always say to my mum is, mum, parenting doesn't stop. There's not a limit.
You're always a parent, even when your child's got 10 kids. That's right, yeah. You're still a parent.
You still have to parent your child. Say, don't do this. You know what I'm saying? Also, stand beside him and help him and guide him.
Not just telling him what to do and what not to do, but also help him do it. Like, what do you want me to do with you? Should I help you on that? Okay, let me help you on this. Parenting doesn't stop at a certain age.
A lot of parents, when the child's at a certain age, they just stop parenting. And they say, look, I've raised you. I've done my part.
Now, you just have to take care of me. It's a life-long commitment. It's a life.
You brought these children into this world. Of course, in every stage of their life, in every stage of their life, your parenting's not going to be the same. They've got their kids and they made their own family.
Your parenting's not going to be when they were toddlers, when they were young adults. It's not going to be the same. But there is a certain level of parenting that's needed from you as well.
It's interesting you make that point about how it needs to be different depending on the different stages of their life. I think this might be hadith, or it might just be a white saying, I'm not sure, but I've heard something along the lines of, between the ages of 0 to 7, just play with your child. From the age of 7 to 14, discipline.
And from the age of 14 to 21, be their friend. Is that right? Have you heard something similar? I haven't come across anyone who said it, but that's a belief I always say. But these are the three stages of the child's life.
When the child is from the age of... I push it a bit higher than 7. I say to the age of maybe 14. From the birth to 14, I'm telling you what to do and you should do what I tell you to do. But 14 onwards... 0 to 7 was playing with them.
7 to 14 was discipline. 0 to 14 is discipline. Yeah, not just discipline, but it's more like, I told you to do this, just do it.
Don't ask too many questions. Or don't ask any questions. Don't ask too many.
And it turned into don't ask any, yeah. From 14 onwards, I'll explain things to you. Don't do this.
Do you know why I said don't do this? No. Do you agree with me? No. So we discussed it.
Why was it that you don't agree? I want him to think. I don't want him to just be robotic. I don't want him to just do it.
So that's 14 to the age of 21. We're discussing things. But I have the final say as a parent.
From 21 onwards, you're an adult. I'm just going to... Be there for them still. Everything is advised to you.
I'm going to advise you. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm going to advise you.
I'm a master. I'll be a sincere advisor to you. You make good decisions.
Because what I did was, by then, inshallah, I hope so, is that I've nurtured you to a level where you can do it yourself. Do you know a lot of parents who still tell their children at the age of 21, 23, 24, controlling them, are the ones who didn't do the job when they were young. It's all of those levels.
And they're trying to catch up with that time now, which is not going to work. Does that make sense? Yeah. I mean, I always say to the... The missus, I always say to them, I always say to her, these children, wherever you want to teach them, teach it to them before they have any choice.
Before my daughter reaches her menses, she should have memorized the Quran. Why am I going to wait for that time that she reaches there where she starts saying, I can't do this, I don't want to do it, I'm not in the mood. Take advantage of that time.
Yeah, yeah, take advantage of it. I'll beat you to it. Dad, you already know where is the Quran.
I'm sorry I did it to you. I mean, you already know where is the Quran. It's just, you know what I realize? Time is not what we value.
So, we waste a lot of time in our own lives. And we do that to our children. And when we wake up, it's quite late now.
We're a bit late now. Yeah, it's too late. Too little, too late.
Another thing I feel like when it comes to Tarbiyyatul Ulaad is don't raise your children near fear. Don't raise your children on this fear. And sometimes, subhanAllah, parents, sometimes they nurture their children on excessive fear.
They mention stories about this monster and the child is scared of the dark. And this is bad for them. It's actually a deficiency in the parent.
Or, yeah, and things like that. Where the child is very scared. Which can create paranoia, anxieties, and etc.
And it can even reach a level where they start to fear something other than Allah. To the level, to the issue, they only fear Allah. It's extremely dangerous.
It's so true. But I like what you said about, you know, explaining to the kids. You know, like from age 14, you explain to them.
I think this is very important. Because in my culture, and I know we always talk about Pakistani culture, Somali culture, but in my culture, I think there's... That's the only truth we know, right? Yeah, I know. But it always seems to come up in this car.
But I think in my culture, it seems to happen a lot from what I've seen, where the child is just told something without even being explained why. It's just this halal, this haram, this haram, don't do this, do this, don't do that. And the child doesn't know why he's doing it.
And then it doesn't really create a connection with the religion. Or you're being disciplined, and you don't know what on earth you're being disciplined for. And you don't even know what you did.
Yeah. Because you did a lot of things, you know, you messed up so many things. So is it this one? Or was it yesterday's one? Was it what I did two hours ago? Which one? I want to know.
So the kid doesn't know which one it is. And that's when the kid leaves thinking you're just... You're just enjoying him. Mmm.
Yeah. You just enjoy disciplining him. Yeah, because there's no reason he has to pay now.
Pay now. Another thing Shahid is, which is, I think, one of the greatest important points. I actually really learned that when I went back to the UK.
Now, my younger sister said this to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to learn from you, my sibling, my younger sibling and everything.
And my sister said to me, Abdulrahman, if you base your relationship on something, when that something goes, you don't have no relationship with that person. Wow. Wow, that's very profound.
So if your relationship with me is still, once I'm not scared of you anymore, there is no relationship between me and you. I was taken aback by that statement of hers. Mmm, that's true.
I'm 10 years older than my sister. But still she benefited from that. Yeah, I was like, that's a good point.
If you base the relationship of your children on one or two things, and you... That's it. Don't ever think to yourself that you have a relationship with that child. You don't.
And you'll realize that when all of that goes and it's been eliminated, you have no relationship with that child. You have no relationship. Build your child's relationship on the following.
Fear, hope and love. Just like the relationship with Allah. With Allah.
Yes, with Allah. And you're definitely right about that. Of course.
Higher. Your child should fear, fear the consequences of his wrongs. If he does something wrong, he should be scared.
He should hope that inshallah ta'ala when he's good and he's... There's always gifts. Yeah, I mean... And it's also love. You genuinely... He sees in you, look.
You see a face of a shahid. You know when someone tells you off? You know in their eyes and in their heart and their mind it's out of love. It's different than you see a person telling you off and they just... They're just frustrated because they didn't have a good day at work.
That's so true. That's very true. That's a very good point.
You can always tell. Even when you're being... Yeah, I mean... told off by a certain person. It's out of love.
It's out of love. It happens. And children can sense these things as well.
Sometimes we don't... Sometimes we don't realise how sensitive children are. We just think they're young and we don't want to remember but they can actually sense these things. And the disciplining, sometimes some parents, is based on how they feel that day.
So if the father and the mother had a conflict between the children, the mother is frustrated that day, she's going to let it out on the kids. That's sad. Name call them and ridicule them.
Sometimes, Shahid, this is the sad reality, I'll tell you this, that when the woman, for example, may even go separate ways with the father, she'll always diss the children. Especially the one that looks the most like the father. That's really sad.
It's reality. He gets name called, ridiculed, belittled, like he did a crime, like he did something wrong to her. And then look what happens.
Or sometimes, the father comes from work and he's had a bad day, or he's tired, or he's hungry, and his daughter comes and says, Dad, Dad, Dad, look, I drew this garden for you. Rips it out of her hand and walks by and says, Leave me alone, I'm tired. What are you doing? And I'll tell you this, these things stick with the child.
These things will stick with the child. The child will not forget. Right? I remember, SubhanAllah, my daughter, when she was three years old, she drew something.
She scribbled something. My oldest daughter. She gave it to me.
She said, Dad, this is yours. I took it, and I put it in a bag. One of my bags that I used to carry.
And the side I put it in, all my books would be in it when I'd go to Darussalam. But I'd have that thing. It was a picture of a tree, and a garden, and a landscape, and the sun.
It was basic. One of the three-year-olds would scribble. The other day, I showed it to my daughter.
She said, Dad, this is your picture. Allahu Akbar. How old is your daughter now? She's dying now.
Wow, six years later. She enjoyed seeing it. I could see it in her face.
It's like, it's me. It's like, yeah, this is you. SubhanAllah.
Because she drew something recently, and now she's drawing this one. So I'm like, let's compare the two. And that's where I was coming from.
For her, it was like, you still have me. Yeah, you kept that all that time. Wow, that's beautiful.
But now you've got to realize that, so the thing that even I learned from my children, parents don't understand, you learn from your children in your lifetime. You actually learn from them, is their reaction to certain things I say and do. Some things I do, my children say, Dad doesn't love us.
I'm like, what did I say for them to say things like that? What did I do for them to question my love? And some things I do, they overreact and say, Dad loves us a lot. What did I do for them to think that now? So you have to be very careful in the way that you work with your children. SubhanAllah, exactly.
We're coming up to our destination. So what we'll do is we'll carry on inshaAllah, on another journey inshaAllah. Is that okay? Okay, so we're back on the road, and we're talking about the different ways that parents can do talibiyah for their children.
What do you want to speak about next inshaAllah? So, one of the things I feel like parents do when it comes to talibiyah to their children is they belittle the child in front of his other siblings. That's not a good thing. Especially if he's the oldest one, which is the majority of the time, the oldest one is told off the most.
Because the parents are generally in the discipline of the oldest one, and sometimes they get tired when the rest come. You know, you tend to find this, Shahid. People's energy is so high at the beginning, and then it weakens.
And so the children to come, they actually get disciplined by either the older one, or somebody else. The parents are tired. The oldest sibling adopts the role of a parent.
Yeah, he's really disciplined. He's controlled. He's really taught what he or she can or can't do.
So, the oldest one gets name-called. They're name-calling. Man, look at this ghabib.
Look at this majmoon. Wallahi, you're ahmak. These bad things are said to him, so later he can't have any positive influence on his siblings.
Because they see him as the dumb one. Yeah, because the parents have belittled him in the eyes of the rest of the siblings. And actually the parents need him, because there's going to be a point where the older one is going to be consulted about family decisions and things like that.
And this is where also the other extreme happens as well, Shahid. Which is, the child is basically raised, and he's put higher than his actual status. And he's put up so much, because the parents somehow they have a soft spot for him.
The others are always like, which is in other words, tahqiq al-adli bayna al-awlaad, being just between the children. Very important. Very important, Shahid.
Some parents, they create animosity between the siblings. Brothers and sisters don't like each other because of their mother. He's always honouring this one, he's raising this one, he's praising this one, he's saying things about this one.
This is something we need to really understand. Yeah, normally you have this child that can do no wrong in the eyes of the parents, and they always get away with stuff that the other siblings can't. It's not from justice.
Whether it's the first born, because normally the first born has a bit of a special treatment, because it's the first child. Or sometimes it's the youngest sibling, because it's the youngest of the family, and things like that. But yeah, it's very important to be just between all of the children.
Another thing that you tend to find is that, the child is made to lie, in two ways. Number one, the parents would genuinely say to the child, he picks up the phone, the house is on nine, and his mother is like, say I'm not here. Ah, okay, yeah.
Say I'm not here. I'll tell you a story. The kid was one day said to, say that to the person.
Yeah. And his mother said, say it! The kid goes, my mum's not here. And then they said, well she's going to come.
Mum, when are you going to come? I thought you were going to say, the kid said, my mum just said she's not here. She's not here. Do you see the point? Yeah.
Now you say, why are you lying to me? You taught him how to lie. That's very true. It's very true.
Kids are like a blank slate, when they come to this world. Innocent this kid was. He said, mum, when are you going to come? And the second one is, the second thing is, the child is beaten, even if he's telling the truth, that he lies.
He just learns to say what the mother needs to hear. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't matter. So he maybe didn't do something.
The parent will beat him up. Or discipline him. The child shouldn't be beaten up anyways.
But disciplining the child. The parent will discipline the child, and the child will feel, he is... Lying is better than this. He will lie, just so he can get out of all of this.
Yeah. Because when he lies, he gets away with it. When he tells you the truth, you always beat him up.
Very true. I remember Sheikh Mohammed bin Hanbal, may Allah preserve him, he once told me that, with his kids, if they do something wrong, if they tell the truth, they get forgiven. There's no punishment, yeah.
And me too, same thing. It's very good. Because now you're encouraging honesty.
You're actually rewarding honesty. So I say to him, you've got five minutes. This is what I say all the time.
You've got the first five minutes. Think about what you're going to say and tell me the truth. And I promise you, there's no consequences.
I'll just talk to you about it. So he goes, dad, okay, I'm going to tell the truth. That's what I want to hear.
If I find out that you're lying, he'll tell the truth. He'll say, I did it. But it was an accident.
Another thing is, is it fair for a child to be disciplined for being a child? He broke a glass. He was playing. Why does he get beaten up for all that? It makes no sense.
Or he, you know, or he punched his brother in the stomach. Because he's playing. You're playing that game.
But if you don't discipline, some parents might say, if you don't do that, then you're kind of approving that behaviour. No, tell him off. Say, don't do this to your brother.
Yeah, yeah, okay. You're talking about physically discipline. Not even that.
Just shouting down the floor of that child. There needs to be a certain amount of rahmah with the parents of the children. There needs to be a certain amount.
Yeah, and not even, you have to learn where is the child wrong and where is the need. Some things you just have to add into the category of, I mean, in our house, funny enough, we've got this, there's a thing called they call it, which is a basic human mistake. And there's You intentionally done it, brother.
Do you understand my point? Yeah. You did it. You deliberately did it.
This wasn't a genuine mistake. But when kids play with each other, they get carried away sometimes. You just have to say, look bro, don't beat up your brother like that.
Sometimes a child might actually want to do something really good. For example, a child wants to, I don't know, wash the dishes and they break a plate as they're washing the dishes. It's a good action when they're doing this.
The intention is good. They're just a child. They broke a plate.
And because they get told off for that, now they're not, I'm never going to help you out anymore. Yeah, I remember I did that to a television screen and a computer screen. When you were younger? Yeah, I put water in.
I was trying to wash it. My mum beat me up. You poured water on it? Yeah, it was literally a whole bucket of water.
I thought it was going to get cleaned from inside and outside. Ah, OK, OK. Yeah, so good intentions.
That's actually rewarded for that, right? I'm not sure about rewarded. But there should be a punishment. But I mean, yeah, you should be said that's good.
Just explain. I think just explain. Just say, OK, it's very good what you're trying to do.
My intentions should be rewarded. OK, that's what I'm saying. But what do you mean by rewards? Like just with verbal reward? Like that's very good what you're doing, well done? Yeah, anything.
Yeah, that's what I mean. So if you explain, that's very good what you're doing, it's good, but TV, you can't pour water down the TV. Yeah, the child didn't know.
I didn't know that. I thought water cleans. I didn't know electricity and water come together, they explode.
Another thing, example, boys' nature is different from a girl's nature. A boy, you get a toy for a boy and he breaks it straight away. That's fine.
But now, where's the justice now? Because now you're letting the boy get away with something that the girl can't get away with. But it's not the nature of a girl. What's the nature? No, we follow the situation.
I'm not saying a girl can't. I'm not saying a girl should be disciplined. I didn't say a girl should be disciplined if she breaks a toy.
Generally speaking, girls tend to keep their toys longer than the boys. So is it fair for me to say to the boy, look at your sister over there, we bought you both the toys the same time. And look at your sister, she's still got her toy.
And look at what you've done to it, you've broken it to pieces. That's my point. I'm not saying, neither of them break it.
But generally speaking, I am now not, it's not right on my side. Why did you break it, is the question I'm going to ask. I said, dad, I broke it because I wanted to see what was inside.
I wanted to see this driver who's driving the car. It's actually a DIY guy. It's actually thinking.
He's thinking. He's looking into things. He wants to get to the bottom of something.
So it's not a negative thing. It's actually, I look at the positive side from it. So always find out the reason why.
Follow up. Don't just be quick to punish. Understand your children.
That's essentially what you're saying. Just understand your kids. You know what it takes away from you, Shahid? If you start knocking out your child and beating him up for everything he does wrong, it takes away from you any, your discipline should be very rare.
It shouldn't be every day. Or else it's just going to be like, oh yeah, I'm going to get disciplined. And it actually defeats the purpose of discipline because when it's rare, it's like, oh, dad's really angry today.
But when he's just angry every day, it just doesn't mean anything. And then you're going to lose out on your discipline. It's true.
So that's a few things. Another thing is, you have to teach your children, and it's seeking permission when they enter the rooms. It's another thing I feel like parents, which opens a door of fasad for the child.
It messes with children's brains. If a child sees his mother and father intimate, that's a problem. That's a problem.
Yani, you can't explain to him why you're doing all of this. And it can lead to psychological damage. It could be a problem for the child.
isti'zani, one of the earliest things that you need to teach your child. يَا إِلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَا تَدْخُلُوا بُيُوتٍ غَيْرَ بُيُوتٍ حَتَّى تَسْتَأْنِزْ وَتُسَلِّمُوا عَلَىٰهِ You have to seek permission. You can't just go through our rooms, or any room.
The boys have to also do the same thing with the girls. You cannot let your daughters, Yani, just walk into their brother's room. You can't let the brothers walk into their sister's room like that.
They can't see each other. Are you there? That's a punishment. That's a discipline.
If you do that, you're going to be disciplined for doing that. Why would you do such a thing? Bad for you to do such a thing. Yeah.
It's really, I've said it before, but it's amazing how the religion of Islam is so comprehensive and it brings so many rules out about that people might not have realised that Islam speaks about this. I know. I just saw a building, it didn't have anything holding it down, it was just floating.
I was wondering what you were looking at. There must have been something, it's probably just like an illusion or something. No, it was actually, the building was sticking from somewhere, so that was what was holding it.
But why wouldn't they put something underneath it just to hold it down? Anything heavy going in that building would go down. And it's a fire, it was a fire station or something. So another thing is, don't let your children watch movies and things like this.
This is a big one, this we really need to go into. So TV, you believe that the right thing is don't even have a TV in the house. Do you know what television is doing? It's programming a child's mind.
A lot of things, your child is learning from movies, he's learning a lot of habits, he's learning habits, he's learning a way of life from them. They're teaching him a way of life. They're programming your child's brain.
And he's starting to see life that way. I know a family member of mine who travelled to America because of movies they watched. They wanted to live the American life.
And they got caught up in Triton and Fassad. And some people might think that's an extreme example, but the reality is every day your child is watching TV, their brain is being rewired. It really is.
It's really, really dangerous. I'll tell you a story actually. I used to have a TV in my family house when I was growing up.
Went to university, had a TV. Came back from university, stayed at home for a year, had a TV. I actually used to watch a lot of TV's growing up.
I went out to live on my own for the first time. I lived in Manchester, just lived on my own, just one bedroom apartment, just me and my mum. I was working there, I had a job there.
I just didn't get around to buying a TV. It's not that I made a religious decision like I don't want a TV. I just didn't get around to buying it.
I was like, okay, I need to get this. I realised after tuition, I actually prefer my life without a TV. I don't need a TV.
I actually do more things, there's more interesting things. Ever since then, which was nine years ago, I don't have a TV in my house. With my daughter now, I never have a TV.
And I strongly advise every single person watching this, don't have a TV in your house. Don't think that you're going to watch good stuff on there, nature documentaries. No, I really think a Muslim household should not have a TV.
I really believe that, 100% 100% Television programs your child's mind, behaviour, the way he carries himself. I don't think it's just a wife. My child is famous.
He doesn't leave the house. You know what I realised? A lot of my nephews and some of my nieces and things like that, they're dancing. Where did you learn this from? I need parents to say, oh, come on man, don't be hard.
You're a little kid. But, you know, why are we taking things very lightly? Why are we taking it very lightly? Everything, you know, like the mountain that you see is from pebbles. Things are from small things.
The mountain's from pebbles. Your daughter's dancing to this nursery rhyme. What's stopping her from being a belly dancer? It's a path to it, right? Does that make sense? Your child's learning how to rap.
It's having an effect on singing from this nursery rhyme that you think is normal. It's a stepping stone to rap. And then from rap, there's a type of rap they use or listen to called what? Drill.
Which is murdering and killing. Each thing, that's what Allah said in the Quran, يَا أَيُّ الَّذِينَ أَعَمَنُوا لَا تَتَبِعُوا خُطُوَاتِ الشَّيْطَانِ خُطُوَات means steps. Don't follow the footsteps of Shaytan.
He's one by one, he'll try to do things to you. Another thing is, I believe, I think this is the biggest problem parents, a lot of us parents fall into is we teach our children to fear us than we do connecting them to Allah Ta'ala wa Ta'ala. Which is that when the child leaves your house and your supervision, a lot of kids love college life or uni life.
It's where they get to break free from their parents. But you didn't do يَعَنِي غَرْسُ مُرَاقَبَةُ اللَّهِ Look at Luqman when he looks at his son, يَعَنِي غَرْسُ مُرَاقَبَةُ اللَّهِ مُرَاقَبَةُ اللَّهِ Whatever you do, my son, Every single thing that you're doing, Allah is aware of it. So nurture your child to fear Allah, not you.
Some parents, I remember one time, as a joke, it was a reality. We all got stung by bees in our house. Everyone got stung.
Except my father. This actually stuck with me. When I was a child, and I actually told it to other friends of mine.
Listen to this. Everyone in the house got stung by a bee. My mother got stung by a bee.
My siblings all got stung by a bee. The only person who never got stung is my father. It makes sense because my dad goes to work.
And the bee was in the house that day. So it stung a few of us. So I came home and I said, Dad, why has it stung you? And as a joke, my dad said, I sent it on you guys.
The ones who are naughty, I genuinely believe that. I actually thought my dad controlled the bees. So I went to Viva and I said to him, my dad controls bees.
Bees are under my dad's supervision. Don't joke about these things. Because it can lead to a very, very dangerous story.
Plus, yes, the child. The child is going to grow up and think to himself, whoa, go on. And whoa.
And my dad told me this and it's not true. That's not true. What else did he tell you? Yeah, it was not true.
People actually questioned. I remember I was teaching him about the issue of religion. And he was like, Akhi, did Allah not say this? And I was like, Allah didn't say that.
He said, that's not in the Quran. I said, no, it's not in the Quran. He said another thing.
And then I said, oh, that's also not in the Quran. He goes, Akhi, what did my parents teach me? What did my parents teach me about Islam? Do you understand my point? So the issue of muraqabatullah, teaching a child, that Allah continues, subhanahu wa ta'ala, and Allah is, connect your child to Allah. I promise you, if you do do that, they can go wherever they want in the world, they're connected to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala.
They're scared of Allah, they're not scared of you. You're just means raising them. So Allah is, they have to be scared of.
You know, just to go back to the TV thing, I just want to add one more thing on there. I don't know much about this stuff and I haven't looked into it, so I can't affirm that the people at home can maybe look into it. But I hear these things about how these cartoons like Disney and stuff like that, they actually put subliminal messages in their cartoons.
I don't know much about it. Have you heard about this? Yeah, I was reading a message. To corrupt the child, to corrupt the children, they put subliminal messages.
That isn't enough to... Yeah, yeah. Some of the shows are coming out now, some of the characters are not, they're either lesbians or gays or whatever's coming out. And on top of that, other things are happening where I remember when we were young, there was Teletubbies, right? Yeah, man.
And one of the characters, they said something about him, right? I don't know if it's true or not. Okay. That was one.
There was another show when we were young that used to be watched. It's called Tweenies. Tweenies, I've heard of it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That was one through our childhood.
Yeah. By the way, it's not black or white. Yeah, no.
It's not that long ago. People might be thinking, what is Teletubbies and Tweenies? But that doesn't... Yeah, yeah. These were the cartoons and there was even... Look at this, Wallahi.
We never used to watch cartoons and movies, Alhamdulillah. But it got introduced to us by a cousin at school, school friends. There was a show that used to come out.
It was by Bernard's Watch. Do you remember Bernard's Watch? I remember Bernard's Watch. The guy who... Wallahi, look at that.
That's mad, isn't it? SubhanAllah, subhanAllah. You don't think anything of it as a child, but... Can you stop time? Of course not. Yeah? Of course not.
But that's the concept. Many people might not have understood, but Bernard's Watch, the concept, the guy has a little stopwatch and whenever he wants, he clicks it and the whole world stops around him. And if he wants to, he moves around.
I think he was a goalkeeper at school. When someone shoots the ball, he stops it, he moves there and he gets it. Yeah, it's... Parents might belittle these things, but they say, what's wrong with that? It's just a little bit of fun, just a little bit of a story.
Same with Harry Potter. It's all about magic and sikha and stuff like that. You know what? I'll tell you something, yeah? 20 years ago, Astaghfirullah, I'm 33 now, right? You're 33, yeah.
Yeah, I'm 33 right now, right? So subtract... 22 years ago, 21 or 22 years ago. Like 11, 12? Yeah, approximately. Probably even maybe 10, that time.
It was when the first time the Philosopher's Stone came out, Harry Potter's first book. Okay, okay, yeah. The reason I know that one is because we were... It was actually... That was the time J.K. Rowling wrote the first one.
Right. And in school, people were reading it. Kids were reading it.
Yeah. This is... You know about... You know, Harry Potter, alhamdulillah, I never ever got into it. So even when you said Philosopher's Stone, I actually thought, were you talking about Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter? I didn't even know which one it was.
Yeah, Lord of the Rings, I don't even know about it. I never even heard of it. Didn't even know what was it.
Books, they took it from... But I remember the kids were really on Harry Potter. They used to read it. Yeah, Harry Potter, the first one, which was Philosopher's Stone, and the second one, which was Chambers of Secrets.
Both of these crazy books. And we know these... People think we don't understand the use of it. But we grew up in that... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you understand my point? Yeah. It affected negatively. At that time, even childhood, one of the things I could see was David Beckham was the most beloved player.
I remember this. Yeah, I remember this. In school, he would cut his hair a certain way.
Everyone was doing this. The Mohicans. The Mohicans.
Do you know? Yes. I remember this. I don't know if you remember, if you remember, Manchester was sharp.
Remember when they had sharp? Yes, I remember that. Manchester United. They had sharp, right? What's that guy he's playing... There was an advert that came out where he pulls up his... Harry Cantona.
Harry Cantona. Yeah, the French guy. The French guy.
He pulls it up and he kicks the ball like a fire. So everyone started doing this in school when we went. It's very true.
Everyone was doing this in school. What I'm trying to say is the effect that television had on these people. I could see it when I was young how even the Spice Girls was most watched.
The effect that it had on the girls. I mean, I remember one day in school kids were talking about why did he go for posh spice and not, what do you call it, ginger or the other ones. Yeah.
All of these Wallahi and I was a person who didn't have television. These fitna and these fasaad were not present in our household. But Wallahi from school I learnt all these names.
All of these things by listening and hearing. I knew it. I knew all the Spice Girls because of the I could see the cartoons that were watched was Dragon Ball Z and this character Goku this and that cartoons.
All of this was watched in school. There's two things I want to add. Number one, kids are very impressionable.
That's why they're copying the hairstyles and the colour and the Spice Girls and everything. They get influenced very easy. But guess what? A parent can use that to his advantage because if you put kids on the dean and you put them around with good characters and you give them this kind of influence then they're also impressionable.
They're also going to want to be like those people. If you yourself as a parent is a righteous Muslim the kid is going to want to become a righteous Muslim. When I was younger my dad was a sportsman.
Every Saturday cricket, if it was in the winter it was hockey, if it was in the summer it was cricket. During the week there was squash going on. I just wanted to be a sportsman.
I just wanted to be just like my dad. I just wanted to go there. That's how kids are.
They just want to be like you. So this shows the role of the parent of making sure that the child gets the right kind of influences. The problem is what you just mentioned now.
How can a parent control what a kid is going to be exposed to from their cousins from their school? That's hard. That's another thing. As a child what was happening here was all of that was coming to us but it didn't have an effect personally on us because of the relationship dad had with us.
He was always talking to us and my mother was... And again imagine your child getting all of that information in his head. I remember when Allah used to go to school and people would say premiership and I've never watched Formula One in my life. People talk about premiership.
Is it premiership? Yeah, premiership. Premier League. What do you call it? The World Cup.
In secondary school the World Cup when Brazil won. Yeah, it happened in 98 or 2002. Yeah, but I know there was one that was big in school.
They made us watch England matches. They stopped all the lessons. In my head I'm like I don't even know who's... I don't even know where the goalkeeper is.
I don't know how they shoot. Wallahi, I don't. I know a lot of things but I just don't know how this game works.
And in my head I'm like why are we... Akhi, subjects were stopped. Yeah, I know. They stopped the whole teaching and just said, oh, England will play and we're going to gather in the assembly and just watch.
No, this was not England only. Oh, they watched all matches? The whole entire World Cup. The whole entire World Cup there was games that... Okay, you know what? Maybe it wasn't the entire game but I know it was the few times we went in because I didn't understand.
Maybe it was when England was playing. But you just didn't realise it was only when England was playing. You just thought they were just... Yeah, in my school they just did it when England was playing, I think.
Support their country. Support their country, yeah. So, another thing is teaching your children from a very young age the Qur'an.
Okay, yeah. The memorisation of the Qur'an. And having a schedule for that.
When the child is at the age of 8, 9 he should have finished the Qur'an. Wallahi, but that early? That early. But that's not manageable for a lot of people.
A lot of people can hear that and think that's crazy, 8, 9, that's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Latest in child, 8, 9 he's finishing the Qur'an. If you say you waste your child's time and you should have really done it better 10, 10 is... So, if you're saying 8, 9, 10 then how many hours a day is that where the child memorises the Qur'an to get to that level? Sorry, actually before that what age do you start? As soon as the child's talking and he's making sense.
So, two years old like one years old, two years old? No, not really, five. Five. So, as soon as they have a little bit of an understanding Yeah, and they can talk and they can... Yeah, of course.
They start memorising. Once they start, when they pass Surah Al-Haqqaf the numbers of pages should go faster and quickly. Two, three, four, five pages should be... Surah Al-Haqqaf on the back like five verses on the back.
Yeah, from Surah Al-Nas that way five, yeah, five pages four pages, three pages. And it's possible because the child's memory at that time is like a sponge. It would take so much.
It just requires a little bit of effort for the parents. Just having a schedule. Very like, it doesn't require a lot.
Another thing is having moments with your child to go and visit the graves and the hospitals. Wow. Very important.
This is very important, Shahidullah. Your children will be very graceful. Always remind them this is where we're going to all go.
Yeah. Some people were like are you scaring the kid? Yes, I was going to say that. Well, your kids are watching nightmare movies and you're asking this question.
No, it's not. It's the reality that's going to come. Does that make sense? Wallahi, they ask questions and they can ask you what they want and even going to the hospitals and seeing sick people and asking them questions, good questions.
So you organise the questions that you're going to ask and you go to the hospitals and they ask these sensible questions and they get an understanding of what's happening here. Your kids would appreciate what they have. I think there's definitely a thing about parents overly putting their kids in bubble wrap.
You know like just so you said if you take a child to a graveyard they go, no, I don't want to tell them about death but it's just this concept of just wrapping the kid in bubble wrap but all you're doing is that when they actually get to know about death when they actually get to the real world and maybe you're not even with them at the time it's going to be even worse but the Quran thing you know what I say to friends because I know a lot of people might be watching and thinking that's really difficult I just want my child to play and just be a child but what I say is that even if you have that goal at 8 or 9 years old to complete the Quran guess what will happen if your child doesn't complete the Quran they're going to get a large, large portion of it and you're going to set them on your way so definitely something that we should all be trying inshallah it's true another thing I tell parents is that there are good researchers done on parenting ok ok there are good researchers done on tariqah the path of parenting and Allahumma barik there are good people who who've studied and mastered this who are Muslims specialists at this because you can get their help their advices their support is very important I encourage that there's good Islamic researchers Islamic books that are written on this there are also good what do you call it even non-Muslim stuff that are written but you just have to be very careful of where they go wrong or where they go right but there are points of good benefits that I've seen in some of them that you could benefit from funny enough I'll tell you something shocking there's a by the way if this person doesn't know I'm going to say this and it's probably going to be shocking to them as well but there's a channel that's called Iman's High and Homeschooling that's right this channel I have not ever I don't know who runs it I don't know how it runs I don't but the missus was telling me that it was what impacted her when it came to the Tarbiyah of the children it helped her and that's when we embarked on the path of going to Egypt and my children study the Quran now they memorize many books just because that channel empowered parenting and homeschooling and Wallahi this is what I want to say people don't know what you if you do khair and the people you benefit you just don't know the liars the truth of the matter is I didn't know so the first thing I did was when I found out this information I sent a message to the the person who's running the channel and I said look I just want to thank you very much what you've done for me and my children is Jazakallah Khairan you know the Prophet said If someone does something for you good thank them and if not make dua for them and if somebody does something good for you we pay them back and if you're not able to then make dua for them and I make so much dua for that channel and the people who are running it or the person who's running it and Allah put barakah in their life and their children and their progeny and their offspring and I think we need this right now we need a very strong parenting mentorship yeah and I've heard similar things about Iman's Homeschool again I'm not checking that I don't know much about them I've seen and when you say channel I think it's important to know it's not actually YouTube channels people type in Iman's Homeschool in Google it will come up it's like some kind of blog but there's a lot of resources for how to homeschool your children worksheets all of this and I've heard many people use it so it's definitely it just shows that someone putting in effort to benefit the Muslims you just never know what it's going to reach you don't know who's going to impact and who's going to benefit my children have memorised a lot and this person is going to get Hajj for every single child that learns and the reward for them is so high so I ask Allah anyone who's supporting me in my path and my tariqa may Allah strengthen them and raise them ... ... ...
But one thing I personally know and I can put my hand up and say is that you can't do it by yourself because if you think you can raise your children by yourself you don't need anyone and you don't know what you're doing you've failed from the beginning you need people you need advice you need help you need direction you need moral support sometimes you lose that momentum you need someone to wake you up and say look what are you doing fix up pull your socks this is not just you now it's their future don't mess up their future you need that and naturally obviously that normally comes in the form of your spouse your husband your wife and it's very important that the parents they work together on this goal it's something that they share regardless of what's happening between the parents they might be having arguments they might not be seeing eye to eye it's important that they always remember the kids can't The kids are the end goal here that we have to work together and also it's important that the kids don't see the parents arguing If the parents just argue, do it behind the scenes That's another one That's a really important one, right? Shaheikhullah, this one is big You know your children, you teach them how to deal with conflicts You do When you're angry, they're looking at how you respond When you're happy, they look at how you respond They're learning from you Allah You're a teacher in every aspect Do you understand? Yeah You're a teacher in all your movements I told you this before, the day I took my son out, we were walking And I did something wrong, which is I spat on the ground And he did the same thing with me It was the last day I realised I can't be doing this anymore He copied you He did it exactly And I looked at his face and the saliva was still on his face I was like, oh no That's gross He's copying me He wants to do everything I do I realised the game has changed now I need to fix myself So people don't realise this journey of Tarbiyatul Awlaad is also for you as well You are becoming a better person yourself Yeah, amazing It's like when you teach Islam, right? Sometimes when you're teaching adults, you're reviewing your knowledge You're reviving your knowledge 100% Another thing I really want to say is that As parents, you also have to remember the relationship that you build between the siblings Sometimes what parents do is they always assume that one of the children is always the bad one So they've got that programmed in their head And one is just the good one And by default, they have a preconceived notion in every conflict that happens So automatically they're on the side of the one who they believe is always the good one Every situation with my children, I have to renew my mind And give each situation a clear observation So what did you say? What did he say? Whether I believe that one of them is up to something It could happen that there's a situation where he would be a victim He was a victim of that situation You're looking at the thing? Do you understand my point?
Yeah He's a victim of the situation It could happen So there's a Qa'idah that the scholars mention الخطأ في العفو خير من الخطأ في العفو It is better to do a mistake in forgiving than to do a mistake in punishing Rather err on the side of leniency rather than err on the side of punishing By the way, you're creating the future relationship that these children are going to have For example, when I was young, I was always messing about all the time Really? Yeah, I was always messing about And I wouldn't get angry My personality was I didn't get angry I would laugh I was always the bubbly guy, always joking And one of my brothers just didn't like anyone coming into his space He didn't like anyone So he's a reserved, conservative person And I, on the other hand, I love to tickle him Crack a joke about him I get under his skin so quick My parents, the mistake they did was they would never tell me off because I'm laughing So they always take him He's laughing, she's joking Why can't you take a joke? That's wrong tarbiyah But I always got away with it Because I'm the bubbly one And I'm the one who's laughing But I'm the one who's longing here I'm not respecting his needs His personal space, his own personality And name-calling him as well Okay, mashallah Are you there? Yeah So that's also another thing is You know, the point on learning about kids learning from their parents This kind of stuff, it will stay with the child throughout his whole life The early years, imagine this I think you said one of your lectures The first mother-loss of a child is at home This whole concept of the family living together And the way they're behaving with each other This is what the child is And I don't want to use the word child Because ultimately that child is going to become an adult And it's still going to cling on to these behaviours You know, we come from the UK There's certain things I do in this country That I'm still affected by the UK It happened the other day, I was in the masjid And recently I was travelling, I went to Gambia a couple of weeks ago And my brother came up to me in the masjid saying Asalaamu Alaikum brother I haven't seen you for a week or whatever How's everything going? Are you okay? I was thinking that, you know I haven't seen your brother, I hope he's okay I was like, why is he talking to me like You're not from the UK No one talks to me like that What do you want from me? Really, exactly what do you want from me? What he's done is something really nice It's something that should be done It's something that's really really brotherly It's part of Islam And because of my background of the UK I'm like, that's a bit stalkerish I haven't even seen this guy before How does he even know that I'm from the UK? If he hugs you, you touch your pocket It's like, have you taken something out of my pocket? If he hugs you Astaghfirullah So my point is, this kind of stuff It sticks with a child all the way through adulthood It's true Honestly, it is true Like honestly, any person Who's overly bubbly And so brotherly with me I'm like, what do you want from me? In the UK background Yeah, we're very conservative people I remember I went to Canada And I was shocked with their character People from Canada are different from the people in the UK Very bubbly people And I found it awkward and weird Like, we don't do that in the UK You're an undergrad in London, for example You're reading a newspaper You don't talk to anybody No one talks to anyone You do your thing, I'll do my thing I landed in what's it called? Is it called Pearson? Toronto Airport When I landed, it was the first time I ever went to Toronto A woman came up to me She literally asked me my thobe Where did you get this from? And I was like In my head, I'm like I don't know you You don't know me Why are you talking to me? I wouldn't ask you that This was running all through my head Then I said to her Yeah, it's a Muslim clothing She's like, oh wow Okay, it looks really nice Can women wear it? I'm like, yeah No, no women can't wear this See what I'm saying? It's the bi'a that we were born and raised in In the UK, where we're conservative We don't do this We don't roll like that And the same thing happens when you're in a family environment And you're raised upon one thing That child is going to carry it all the way through to adulthood Their work life You're really affecting the child in a huge level Another thing I want to mention is that Raising the children upon tiqatun nafs I don't like using that word Because it's not right for us to use it I'm against it It goes against the hadith of the Prophet So the word I'm trying to look for is Raising the child upon confidence He's confident in what he needs to do He's got that So tiqatun nafs is something we should avoid and not say But the word I'm looking for is He has confidence So bravery for example Courage And he also is able to speak his mind And this is what we're suffering from today Where Muslims have inferiority complex That's so true That they feel shy to speak about their religion Why do you think a lot of these liberal Muslim speakers Are watering down the deen? To fit in with society, right?
So the girl when she goes to school and she's got a hijab on She's very shy about it And she's a bit embarrassed about it The boy is wearing a thobe and he's embarrassed about his clothing Brother, don't be embarrassed We've got the truth on our side Yeah, this person is naked, man She's not wearing no clothes And she's got courage in doing that It doesn't make sense, does it? Have you ever been like that? Okay, what part of my life? Secondary school and everything like that? Any time in your age that you've been really embarrassed A bit shy to be a Muslim Don't want to give da'wah Don't want to talk about Islam Have you ever been like that? I've never been shy to be a Muslim There have been moments in my life Where I have felt shy Because I used to wear Even in college I used to wear My thobe was short And even if I did wear trousers I would always make it short Because if it's long, I'll tuck it into my socks Some of my trousers, I actually cut them Right You know those I love those American trousers That's three-quarter length No, not three-quarter length What's it called? Echo, Echo Unlimited Oh yeah, I've heard of that I used to buy those ones And I would cut them from the bottom Taxi bottoms? No Jogging leggings? Yeah, like these ones Yeah, I know what you mean I would make this out of it myself Sometimes people will say to me For example, especially when I put it into my socks They'll say to me, oh are you a horse rider? Things like that And I'll just feel a bit shy and embarrassed Really? But not where I'd say My deen, this religion is embarrassing But they make me feel a certain way, yeah The reason I ask is because I had this big time Inferiority complex, big time Never, I never had that I really, really had this I used to do, when I first started taking my deen seriously Because I was in the UK and I was in the corporate world I remember I was living in Manchester You know that same job that I was talking about earlier I was living on my own in Manchester And there used to be a dhatwa table, you know in town centre You used to go there, you used to go there I used to go there sometimes on the weekends Saturday, Sunday morning Used to be at the dhatwa table I used to make dua to Allah Please don't let anyone from my office come I was really shy of it Really, really shy and embarrassed I thought if someone from my office comes over and says Shaheed, or Shaheed or whatever they say I don't know, I didn't use to say that What did they call you? I think they used to call me Shah Shah? Yeah, just easier but no I used to call them Shah Because it's too complicated for them Shaheed is just too complicated So Shah, what are you doing here mate? What are you doing here? You know, I was really like I wouldn't know what to say I'd get really embarrassed So I had this big time And you were giving dhatwa as well? I was trying to give dhatwa Because I knew I should And I knew it's a good thing to do And I knew it So I was trying to put myself in that situation But I was really awkward about it I really, really used to hate it SubhanAllah It never reached that point I just felt like when they did say things They made me feel a certain way But if I was But I wouldn't go home and change my clothing I was proud of what I wore Especially in university When I came to uni I used to be shy from the Muslims seeing me Because I just wanted to go in and out But not the kuffar I would always Now I don't feel shy because of the Muslims Because they would distract me from Either being in the uni or Studying, going out Now of course I look back and I think Why was I embarrassed? I've got the tree in my eyes It doesn't make sense It's sad But you know You're not to be blamed to an extent Because of the environment that you're in How can you feel confident In a place where The storm that's coming your way Is this And you are the minority I feel like this is what parents need to create In that child's mind and head So I'm going to tell you a story SubhanAllah About my younger brother SubhanAllah And he's alive Allahumma badi So we can always ask him My brother There was a subject Where we had to study About the Tudors Henry VIII And how he beheaded his wives and what not And of course once you study The Tudors You're going to actually learn about Christianity And the Crusades And it comes in there My brother refused He said I'm not going to study this Abed Allah My dad was like Wait wait What is it? Me and my older brother We studied it We learnt it And we never saw this problem What are you talking about? He goes no they mentioned this And they mentioned this You told me about Islam There was a hujjah against my mum and dad Actually my mum and dad And he's actually saying I don't want it Mum and dad you can't force me into haram You know that right? Allahumma badi Actually he's year 4 Wow Year 3, year 4 You know what my dad did? Two things So the ministry The minister of education The ministry of education had to send The head of the department From Haringate And he had to come down To my mum's house I remember wallahi he sat And wallahi they said He won't study that subject Wow The school was like He has to There was a case against the school and us You know what my dad did? Once we won the case My dad was like They're going to do something to my son They might do something to my son So my dad straight away This is when we moved to Birmingham I didn't move because I Me and my brother My older brother we stayed in London a little bit longer than that To finish off our secondary school But my dad straight away moved my brother And my sisters from school Actually guess what happened My dad actually went into the school one day When the gates got closed He was inside the school The gates got closed My dad was in the school And they called my dad They said what are you doing? Basically my dad saw in school That the first subject was P.E. And my sister was wearing her hijab And the teacher was like You have to take your hijab off Oh wow I never said that Yeah you have to take it off Because if you cry with the apparatus It's going to catch you Safety hazard Yeah safety hazard You have to take it off And my sister My sister always loved to wear it She's like no I don't want to wear it dad I don't want to wear it I want to wear it You know what my dad did? He went to the teacher and said What are you doing? She wants to wear it What's the problem? Anyway this is when my dad Got very scared and worried He straight away He took them to an Islamic school In Birmingham Where they studied So this subhanallah Was From a young age My brother was actually showing Confidence and shaja'a Belief in his religion Regardless of whether they liked it or not And it came from the Tarbiyah at home And it did Okay There's a few really important points I just want to quickly go through You mentioned about TVs What about mobile phones? What are your thoughts on mobile phones? Oh it gets worse Kids should never have their mobile phone At what age should they At what age are they allowed it? Would you give them a little brick Nokia phone? Yeah of course Sometimes in school The child has to leave And go places I would give them a basic phone But never a smartphone No never these dumb phones Dumb Yeah Okay Why mobile phones are worse Is because television Is at least They release what they want But here He's got freedom To find whatever he wants Also at least television is fixed to a place He has to come to the living room He has to Phone is pretty everywhere Even in the bedroom Your mum and dad doesn't even know What you're looking at in your bedroom It could be anywhere Anywhere anywhere Literally phone is Very dangerous for kids Very dangerous And also he wants to watch He can select Whether he does want to watch or not Television is five channels in the UK That has changed now Oh yeah Maybe the normal standard now I remember When they bought channel 5 It was a big thing Channel 5 Now I think they've got Sky and all that Yeah So even with Sky You can't choose What you want to watch In the sense where They release whatever they want But here I can choose What I want to watch I pick and choose From the internet Okay there's only one more point I want to end with Because I'm just conscious We're reaching our destination And I don't think We're going to get a chance To have another girl Filming today inshallah So the final point I want to conclude with now Is we spoke a lot about You know Even from the journey From the start Like a wife or husband Or sister or brother Picking their spouse Then going through the journey Of even before intercourse What do they say And then raising a child There is something that happens And unfortunately It's become so common In this world as well The issue of divorce When people end up in divorce What tends to happen Is that the kids suffer As a result of it Because the parents Are bickering between themselves And the kids just Get left to the side Sometimes the parents Even use the kids Against the other parent What kind of advice Would you give here For parents who May have divorced But they've still got children There's two relationships That were there When you and your wife Were married Or you and his brother Were married to start Which is You were once You were his wife Or you were her husband And You were a parent Now that you're No longer married And you're not Husband or wife The parenting Still hasn't gone And you guys Have to co-parent together This belief Where when you Divorce a woman You also divorce The children Is disgusting Whether you love The woman Or you hate the woman The child is yours Why would you Make them suffer Why would you Make the child suffer You both Made a conscious Decision Of wanting to Have these children And you brought These children Into this earth Take the responsibility Together Work together They say The place where Two elephants fight Grass gets destroyed When you both Fight each other Like that The children Damaged It damages the children In order to get These children To grow Mentally Physically Everything They need you both To be on the same side And that's why I say to people Hate each other If you want Hate each other Ignore one another But when it comes To these children You're united Very important Very important Let's agree to disagree On everything Between me and you These children We both have to be united We both have to be together We both have to be together We both have to be On the same page Or else These children Are going to suffer And the consequences Of our heedlessness Is going to come Back to us One day When this child Is destroying And harming society And people make Dua against us We will suffer Even more And that's why I say to brothers Who have divorced Their wives Or even if the Sisters asked for Or brothers actually Left a relationship Or whatever it may be What I want to say is Because of your children Because of your children Then you're back For the money If you ask for money For your children For your children At this moment Don't fight For the good of your children Don't be stingy Don't be stingy With your time And don't be stingy With your wealth Give Because who's going to benefit If she takes that money from you Who's she going to give it to?
Give it to your children That's it Your children are going to have it Your children are going to be Don't make your children suffer It's very bad When a man uses money To control the woman Sick It's not nice It's not a good thing Once you've gone Your separate ways And it's written by Allah Ta'ala That this has come to an end Financially take care of your wife Or your ex-wife And your children I think it's really powerful What you said that When you become a parent You have two roles You're a husband And a father for example Just because the husband role Goes away Your father role is not going away You're still there You need to stay there It's very powerful Very powerful I think that brings us To the end of this episode I hope that people Have benefited Insha'Allah And I think next time We'll cover another topic JazakAllah Khair Thank you so much For joining us Allah bless you.
