Note: The following transcript was generated using AI and may contain inaccuracies.
Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen, wassalatu wassalamu ala rasoolillahi sallallahu alayhi wasallam wa ala alihi wa sahbihi ajma'in, salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. To all the brothers and sisters who are tuning in at home to another episode of Aabidul Sabeel, it's the informal show on the road where me and my guests talk about a range of different topics in the religion of Islam.
Once again, I'm honoured and blessed to be in the presence of Ustadh Abdur Rahman Hassan. Salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. How are you doing, Ustadh? Alhamdulillah, really good, mashaAllah. Well, yeah, it's nice to be with you as always.
Today, I want to focus on a topic that is very prevalent. I know that obviously, dealing with Al-Madrasah Al-Umariyah and some of the emails we get, we tend to find that a lot of people have issues related to marriage. And I think I'd like to do a two-part series on this, where we talk a little bit about the characteristics of a righteous wife, and then we'll have another episode where we talk about the characteristics of a righteous husband.
How does that sound? Alhamdulillah, mashaAllah. Okay, inshaAllah, so let's go into it then. I think I'd like you to, as you normally do, maybe set an introduction or some kind of principles that you'd like to talk about inshaAllah.
Alhamdulillahi rabbil alameen, lahu alhamdul hasan, wa thana ul jameel, wa ashadu an la ilaha illa Allah, wahdahu la sharika lah, yaqulul haqqa wa huwa yahdi as-sabeel, wa ashadu anna muhammadan abduhu wa rasuluh, salallahu alayhi wa ala alihi wa ashabihi wa tabi'ina lahum bihsani ila yawmi ila ma ba'd.
First of all, I want to start by saying JazakAllah khayran, honestly, I know you didn't know that I was going to say this, but I really appreciate the hard work that you do. Don’t say it, it’s okay, it's fine. The work that you put in, the effort in always trying to bring something beneficial to the people. May Allah put it in your mīzān, your maqām, and that doesn't really come out clear to the public, and people don't know that. But you've helped me greatly, to be honest, in teaching the people, benefiting the people, and pushing me even to my limits. And saying, "Look, do more, do more, do this, do this." So, first of all, for myself, I want to say JazakAllah khayran. And I want to say to the people who are watching, it's not always the speaker or the teacher that teaches that has actually put in the effort and the hard work in. It’s people behind the scenes who are actually putting the work in and they’re making it happen, to be honest. And he’s just playing a small portion in the whole project, or the whole da’wah. So, may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala reward you. The Prophet ﷺ said, man sana'a ilaykum ma'rūfan fa kāfi'ū fa illam tajidu bima tū kāfi'ūnahu fa da'ūlah. So, what anyone does, you repay them back. And if there's nothing you can find to repay them back, then all you should do is make du'ā for them. And that's something very big, by the way. It's not a light matter. Make du'ā for people and remember them in their absence, when they don't know about it. You just wake up and pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for them, khayr and prosperity. And I have honestly done that for you. I’ve made so much du’ā for you. And I ask Allah to preserve you and your progeny, your family, and your children.
Coming to the topic, this touches all of us, whether it be the speakers who speak here, whether it be you guys who are watching. Issues of marriage have always been a concern for all mankind, to be honest. And people have spoken about it from many different angles. Philosophers have spoken about it. Different religions have discussed marriage and love and what it means. And Islam is one of those religions who spoke about it, but has really brought solutions and solved the problem from its roots. And that's why we always have to remember as Muslims that whatever situation that we're in and whatever circumstances that we're put in, don't you ever think to yourself that Allah's religion does not have solutions. The poet, he said, فَدِينُنَا لَمْ يَخْلُوا عَنْ فُقْمٍ عَلَىٰ مَرِّي الزَّمَانِ لَوْ بَدَى مَا أَعْضَلَ لِأَنَّهُ قَدْ احْتَوَىٰ قَوَاعِدًا تُسْتَخْرَجَ الْأَحْكَامُ أَنْهَا رَاشِدًا. Don’t you ever think to yourself that the Shari'ah is absent in bringing a ruling to a matter. No, it's impossible. Because Allah SWT, when He legislated this religion and He sent this religion down, He did it إلى أن يرث الله الأرض ومن عليها—He did it until the Day of Judgment. It wasn’t only made at the time of the Prophet ﷺ and his companions. It was made until the Day of Judgment. And so, Islam perfects and rectifies all problems. Islam brings happiness, prosperity, and everything. When we turn away from that religion, that's when we find sadness.
فَإِمَّا يَأْتِيَنَّكُمْ مِنِّي أُدَى فَمَنْ تَبِعَ هُدَايَ فَلَا يَضِلُّ وَلَا يَشْقَى وَمَنْ أَعْرَبَ عَن ذِكْرِي فَإِنَّ لَهُمَا أَيْشَ نَضَنْكَ وَنَحْشُرُهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ أَعْمَى قَالَ رَبِّ لِمَا حَشَرْتَنِي أَعْمَى وَقَدْ كُنتُ مَصِيرًا قَالَ كَذَلِكَ أَتَفْتَ أَيَاتُنَا فَلَسِيْتَهَا وَكَذَلِكَ الْيَوْمَ تُنْسَى Allah says in that verse فَإِمَّا يَأْتِيَنَّكُمْ مِنِّي هُدَى Guidance comes to you from Me فَمَنْ تَبِعَ هُدَايَ Anyone who follows My guidance فَلَا يَضِلُّ وَلَا يَشْقَى He will not find فَلَا يَضِلُّ means he won't be misguided in this world وَلَا يَشْقَى it means في الآخرة The day of judgment You're not going to be from the dwellers of the hellfire Then Allah says after that وَمَنْ أَعْرَضَ عَن ذِكْرِي Anyone who turns away from My remembrance يعني turns away from the Quran Turns away from the Sunnah Turns away from the religion of Allah فَإِنَّ لَهُ مَعِيشَةَ اللَّهُ كَانَ You're going to live a very hard life in this world سبحان الله That hard life comes in different forms It may be your marital problems It may be your parents' problems It may be your children you have problems with But it's really from you Committing and doing Things which were our sins And now that's the effect of everything First of all I want to say The second thing I want to say is that The issue of marriage Comes back to Salah We say المرأة الصالحة A righteous wife A زوج الصالح A righteous husband So the word we're looking at here Is righteous, ayahs So the question here is How can you attain Righteousness? If I want to be a righteous husband Or if the sister wants to be a righteous wife Or a pious wife Or the husband wants to be a pious husband How could one do that? Because it really comes back to that So this is something inshallah for both for now And then I'm going to start going into What constitutes a righteous wife And then what constitutes a righteous husband So let me start with What makes Or how can you attain Righteousness The first one is you have to understand Being righteous is a توفيق من الله تبارك وتعالى It is what Allah gives It's a هبة ربانية ومنح إلهية It's what Allah gives you subhanahu wa ta'ala Hard work and effort Doesn't necessarily bring you it It is something Allah has to bestow upon you Allah said in the Quran ومن يحدي الله فهو المهتد ومن يضلل فلن تجد له وليا مرشدا If Allah guides you then you're guided And if Allah Misguides you فلن تجد له وليا مرشدا Meaning if Allah destined for you to be misguided فلن تجد له وليا مرشدا You're never going to find anyone to guide you You have to internalize that first You have to understand this is in Allah's hands أبو طالب Sorry أبو طالب The Prophet's uncle أبو طالب the Prophet's uncle Served and helped the Prophet a lot مع ذلك Allah did not give him the guidance of Islam That's why Allah تبارك وتعالى When the Prophet wanted really For his uncle to be guided لَا تَهْدِي مَنْ أَحْبَبْتَ وَلَا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَهْدِي مَنْ يَشَاءُ Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم You can't guide who you want Allah is the one who guides He was told هداية التوفيق is called It's one of the types of guidance Taking the truth And placing it in someone's heart And making them follow it You can't do that The one you can do Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم Is called هداية الدلالة والإرشاد You can show the path وَكَذَلِكَ وَحَيْنَ إِلَيْكَ رُوحًا مِّنْ أَمْرِنَا مَا كُنْتَ تَدْرِي مَا الْكِتَابُ وَلَا الْإِيمَانُ وَلَكِنْ جَعَلْنَاهُ نُورًا نَهْدِي بِهِ مَنْ نَشَاءُ مِنْ عِبَادِنَا وَإِنَّكَ لَتَهْدِي إِلَى صِرَاطِ الْإِسْتَقِيمِ Allah said you guide Muhammad to the straight path Here the guidance has been Because إِنَّكَ لَتَهْدِي وَإِنَّكَ لَتَهْدِي There's a negation and affirmation What is being negated from him هِدَاية التوحيق The guidance of placing the truth in the people's hearts You can't do that Muhammad As for showing the path to the people Yes you can do that You and every righteous person can do that But it's Allah who places the truth in the people's hearts So what I mean from here is We have to understand that Also Allah says in another ayah وَاللَّهُ يَهْدِي إِلَى دَارِ السَّلَامِ وَيَهْدِي مَنْ يَشَاءُ إِلَى صِرَاطِ الْإِسْتَقِيمِ Allah is the one who guides Allah calls us to To Dar-e-Salam Scholars have different views regarding what Dar-e-Salam is Some scholars say Jannah Allah is calling us to goodness وَيَهْدِي مَنْ يَشَاءُ إِلَى صِرَاطِ الْإِسْتَقِيمِ And Allah guides whoever He wills Everything happens with Allah's will Whoever Allah wills He guides him So the first point I want you to understand is If you want a righteous wife Or if you want to be a righteous husband Sorry, sister, if you want to be a righteous wife Or brother, if you want to be a righteous husband First of all, understand Being righteous is in whose hands? Allah So now that you know That it's in Allah's hands It is Allah who gives it out What should you do? Ask Him for it Beg Allah to guide you Beg Allah to make you a righteous person Then Allah makes you upright Subhanahu wa ta'ala And steadfast That's why we were commanded in Surah Al-Fatihah Five times a day To say what? In every single raka'ah اِهْدِنَا الصِّرَاطَ الْمُسْتَقِيمِ صِرَاطَ الَّذِينَ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيْهِمْ غَيْرِ الْمَغْضُوبِ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا الضَّالِينَ We were commanded We were instructed to say that And our Salah is invalid حَدِدْ عُبَادَةٍ وَنُصَامِدُ صحيح؟ What did He say? لَا صَلَاتِ لِمَنْ لَمْ يَقْرَبْ فَاتَحْتِ الْكِتَابِ There is no prayer for the one who doesn't recite Surah Al-Fatihah There's no prayer for you And in there there's an ayah which says Oh Allah guide me to the straight path So guidance is تَوْفِيقَ مِنَ اللَّهِ تَبَارَكُ تَعَالَى It is Allah who guides He gives it to whoever He wills The second Is it comes from بَذْلُ الْأَسْبَابِ You have to work hard for it The guidance is not just given randomly by Allah You have to come with something And then you will see the guidance That's what it is Allah Ta'ala He aids and supports The one who exerts efforts If you work hard And you put the effort in إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُضِيعُ أَجْرَ مَنْ أَحْسَنَ عَمَلًا Allah does not forsake the one who's doing good سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى وَالَّذِينَ جَاهَدُوا فِينَهُ لَنَهْزِيَنَهُمْ The one who works hard And does jihad That's what the ayah says What does jihad mean? It means It is to exert effort وَالَّذِينَ جَاهَدُوا فِينَهُ لَنَهْدِيَنَّهُمْ سُهُدَنَا We guide those people Also the hadith In Sahih Muslim that the Prophet ﷺ said اِحْرِصْ عَلَى مَا يَفَرْقُ Strive to that which is going to benefit you The benefit for every human being Is either this world or the hereafter Benefit in this dunya Or a benefit in the hereafter اِحْرِصْ عَلَى مَا يَفَرْقُ It means benefit in What's going to benefit you in this dunya And also what's going to benefit you in the hereafter The hereafter is priority number one And of course the dunya is also Something that's beneficial for you in the dunya Would definitely not go against What's beneficial for you in the hereafter Because they don't contradict one another اِحْرِصْ عَلَى مَا يَفَرْقُ وَاسْتَعِنْ بِاللَّهِ Rely on Allah Ta'ala It's the ayah اِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وَإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِنَ Seek help and aid and refuge and support from who? Allah Ta'ala وَلَا تَعَجَزْ And don't give up That's what the habit says And don't what? And don't give up It's a long road that's waiting for you Don't give up. It's a struggle. It's hardship The last one I want to mention The third I want to mention is that شاهد I now know If you want to attain صلاح Righteousness Those are the two places to find it The third مقدمة I want to talk about is where can I find صلاح I beg Allah And I'm also exerting the effort But where do I find it? What qualifies Righteousness and disobedience And And evil What constitutes good and evil The Prophet told us عليه الصلاة والسلام Narrated Shaykh Nasser Authenticated in his kitab من حديث أبي هريرة رضي الله تعالى عنه The Prophet said I have left two things for you لن تظلوا بعد And you're never going to be misguided after that Another one he said As long as you hold on to them They're never going to be misguided What is it? كتاب الله وسنة The book of Allah and the sunnah of the Prophet عليه الصلاة والسلام Anyone who holds on to that شاهد Grabs on to it Holds on to it with their morality, they're never going to be misguided The Prophet one day was with his Companions and he was talking to them And the Prophet said to them صلى الله عليه وسلم صلى الله عليه وسلم حديث عرباضي بن ساري وعظنا رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم The Prophet gave us a reminder وجلت منها القلوب وضرفت منها العيون The heart moved, the eyes started to tear The sahabas they started to cry And they started Crying and their hearts started to move تأنها موعظة It was like the reminder of the person Who's departing, he's leaving his home You know when you're telling somebody Hold on to the deen Are you alright? Is everything alright? That was the kind of reminder he was given So the sahabas they said it was عرباضي بن ساري كأنها موعظة مودع فأوصنا يا رسول الله Oh Messenger of Allah advise us It looks like it's like your farewell Advice you want to give us, give it to us We want to hear it The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم he said إنه من يعيش منكم Anyone from amongst you who lives And now he's talking to the sahabas إنه من يعيش منكم You all Whoever from amongst you who lives فسير اختلافا كثيرا He's going to see a lot of Disputes and argumentations This is in every place It could be a wife an argument It could be The people, the general mass Amongst themselves It can be all of those things إنه من يعيش منكم فسير اختلافا كثيرا He's going to see a lot of disputes The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said He told us there's going to be a problem, solution Straight after it فعليكم بسنة I see a dispute with my wife I see a dispute with my children Let's go to the book of Allah Let's go to the sunnah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم Both of them are what brothers It's a revelation from Allah It's a what? It's a revelation said from Allah The Qur'an is a revelation said from Allah And the sunnah is also a revelation said from Allah Who knows our problems and our needs And our requirements And our cure Who knows it better than Allah ولا ينبئك مثل خبير No one's going to tell you better than Allah You know why? Every single person who tells you to do things وقليل is little That doesn't have an agenda behind it People look out for their own selves first People look out for themselves When government write constitutions and laws They base it on their needs Hence why it has to be changed all the time Whenever that government moves and goes out of power Whenever their needs change or even a new government comes in They change their manifesto Everyone's looking out for themselves لكن الله is looking out for the مصالح of the humans Because he doesn't get anything from it سبحانه وتعالى That's why Allah says ولا ينبئك مثل خبير There's no one who's going to tell you as it is like Allah And the other thing is You might have someone who is genuinely sincere And they want what's good for you But ultimately they're on the same level as you They're a human being So if you as a human being are unsure of how to guide yourself Or where to look for guidance Then another person who's on the same level of you Is also going to be in the same boat as you It can't come from someone who's on the same level as you It needs to come from the Creator And the Creator has actually put in certain rules and principles Not just for marriage But like you mentioned at the start For our entire daily lives We hear the stories of the companions When they speak to the Prophet ﷺ And he tells them about how to clean yourself in the washroom For example, Islam is a religion Who has spoken about everything and anything Which goes back to the first point you made So there's no doubt that something as important as marriage As fundamental as marriage Which is the fabric of the society we live in There's no doubt our religion spoke about it And not just spoke about it But it gave the best speech about it As for looking in other directions And going into the non-Muslim specialists Who specialise in marriage And love and this and that You're not going to find what you're looking for there It's true People actually replace the Qur'an and the Sunnah With a few things right here They actually replace it with a few things For example Some people They replace it with Personal development courses They go to Taken from non-Muslims Who in there they teach you corrupt concepts They teach you Concepts That are against the Sharia from its core For example They say to you Have faith in yourself Some people might think Is that bad? That's how common it is amongst the people right? Ya'ni, trust in yourself Have faith in yourself No I don't have that Because the Prophet ﷺ He said to Allah Ta'ala When he was begging him Don't leave me to myself for even a split second SubhanAllah Yeah They try to remove Allah out of the picture for you They try to take the concept of Tawakkul out of the picture Not to be confused with not exerting the efforts Because that's also part of Tawakkul To exert the efforts But the end result is not in your hands It's in Allah's hands Tawakkul means Tawakkul means Coming with the means You know you have the means And you're coming with that And the ultimate goal The happening of that thing It's in Allah's hands, that's it That's Tawakkul That's Tawakkul If those two are not there, that's not called Tawakkul And so People, they go to those courses They start studying those things And they think this is what I was missing But what tends to happen Because this is a disobedience of Allah Ta'ala It's affecting you Because you're going further and further away From Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala The one who's talking to you is a person who Doesn't have any religious relationship with you You don't have that Religious Base with one another And so they take you off Other people go for They listen to Spiritual leaders Who are Buddhists Or Wahad I think we need to go into this Because a lot of people who might be watching this And this is not just restricted to the concept of marriage But really this is much broader than that A lot of people Either through ignorance, they think the Deen hasn't spoken about this So I need to look elsewhere Or through desires, because they're not happy with what the Deen has said They want to look elsewhere Or there's this really, in the last few years There's been a bigger problem than that In my opinion, a much bigger problem than that Where people are unwittingly Involuntarily Not realising That they're actually being affected With this kind of poison And the way that's happening is through social media And I think this requires its own episode I think we need to do that But just to touch on it with regards to marriage I think what happened in the previous centuries When you hear about the Greek philosophers And their works being translated into Arabic And the Muslims reading it And it corrupted the Muslims' beliefs And their ideologies I think we've seen a similar thing That's happened, but instead of their works The non-works, the non-Muslims being translated Into our language We have basically adopted their language Their way of life, their media We're going to them, we're consuming all of this content We're going on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram All of these things And in the process, and I think what used to happen was Maybe ten years, fifteen years The du'as like yourself would say Get off these media platforms, it's a waste of time There's no doubt it's a waste of time But it's something much more dangerous than that You're actually changing the way you think Because you're consuming this I heard someone say recently That the most powerful people in this world Is not the President of America It's not the Prime Minister of the UK It's the social engineers at Google, Facebook and Twitter That are writing the algorithms Because they are literally rewiring brains Because people are basically consuming content Based on what they push forward And as they consume that content They're literally rewiring your brain And of course, it's an addiction It's become an addiction to many people And they invest large amounts of money In these corporate machines You know, it's actually really fascinating I read an article, subhanAllah Where members who were working for Google And Instagram and Facebook Literally walked away from these big corporate companies And they were basically Mentioning and they were saying That What these Social media outlets are basically Doing to people They're not just You know Making people think a certain way They are actually Moulding people into something they want them to become Wow, it's an agenda behind it Yeah, they want people For example If they want people to like a certain group Of a minority Who are subjugated or hated by everybody They want the people to start liking them They make, what do you call it Their agenda To make every single body like it So they bring those People online And this and that They bring the logos for it Until to the extent You start thinking This is the majority and I'm the minority So I'm not going to be dumb enough to go against the whole Tidal people In there I read They were saying the statistics in the world In terms of people Who are studied, who are learned Who can read, who are educated Who are free thinkers Is less than 2% Wow So that's 98% Or 97% of the world's population Who are using Social media Or the 97% of people The other remaining 97% of people Who are using social media Are people If you said It is what you said And believe it Unrestricted How many times do you come across people Who say to you Yeah yeah I read it on Instagram SubhanAllah But how do you know it's true And you're internalizing all this information Whether you know it consciously or subconsciously It's actually influencing the way you believe Think about your marriage The way you think about your life Not only that but you've got the concept of Looking at other people's Instagram account And seeing their relationship with their husband Which of course they don't post the full picture Behind the scenes they might have problems But on the front image it's like everything's happy And then you're thinking why isn't my marriage like that You've got the Hollywood, the Bollywood industry It's a huge problem Honestly It makes me think that You're basically allowing Let's just say The majority of your information And of course information changes the way you think Like your Islamic knowledge The way you read your books It influences your thoughts It changes the way you think Someone who's basically consuming content And all of this content is not just being written by non-Muslims But it's actually being pushed with an algorithm And designed by non-Muslims And I want every Muslim to ask themselves This non-Muslim that is basically Rewiring your brain for lack of a better term Does he want good for you Does he want good for you in this world He definitely doesn't want good for you in the hereafter Because he doesn't even believe in the hereafter Does he even want good for you in this world Or is it just about lining his own pockets You're being corrupted slowly and slowly I personally have my own vices Like for example sugar This has happened before with the food industry They basically have this refined sugar and postage sugar And they get you addicted on it I've struggled to get off sugar Recently me and my wife started a diet A joint diet I'm even worse than that I haven't even started I had some dental treatment I said let me just recover from this Let me go in and get some good takeaways Go in on my food then I'll start So I would much rather sit at home Drinking Mountain Dew Eating chocolate than ever be on social media Because social media will get you here My body might be affected Which is not great, it's not a good thing My body might be affected My body might be affected by sugar But my hereafter is going to be affected By Instagram, Twitter, Facebook I want to stay away from them Well I never looked at it as well So basically you're saying that Us as human beings We have to basically Care for our body, minds and souls And by going on social media We're affecting Literally all three to be honest Because your body is getting lazy Because you're sitting there on your phone Five hours a day Your mind is definitely getting corrupted Your religion is also getting corrupted As a result of that It's a concept that really I was thinking about this just this morning actually I thought that you know Back in the day The people who always succeed in society Are the ones who are different from the crowd Because you've got the majority of society just living one way And then you've got these What people sometimes call geniuses Or people who are leaders or whatever you want to call it These people are always doing something Different to the rest of the crowd Now previously in social history The problem was scarcity What do I mean by that Is that there wasn't enough resources There wasn't enough sugar even There wasn't enough information So the people who used to succeed were actually the ones who had sugar The ones who had information So actually back then if you had sugar You probably think I want to have as much sugar as possible I want to have as much information as possible So I can use that to benefit me Now it's actually turned around the opposite The problem, the disease that our society is suffering from Is not scarcity It's actually abundance An abundance of sugar An abundance of information The ones who will succeed Is actually not the one who will have more of these things anymore It used to be like that Now it's the one who can control himself and have less That's what I was thinking about this morning So okay let's go back to the right topic So the culturist or righteous wife How does all this, we just said that Obviously we take the rules for marriage And how to be a righteous wife from the Qur'an and Sunnah Another thing, another one I was going to add on is that The people The Qur'an is where, I was saying the Qur'an and Sunnah Is where, is where the solution is The Qur'an is the thing that Guides you to the best of affairs right So the Qur'an does, it guides you to the best of affairs You go to the Qur'an Learn the Qur'an Muhammad Ameen al-Shaqifi said If you want the dunya, learn the Qur'an If you want the akhira Learn the Qur'an If you want both of them, learn the Qur'an The Qur'an has the solution For everything we're looking for Now Shahid, check this out We've replaced that with this So you've mentioned social media I've also mentioned How people use spiritual Leaders and spiritual guides They listen to a guru for example And they watch his stuff And take that as a Divine They read law of attraction By the works of What do you call it Tony Robbins And wahakada Replace it with religious figures Religious Islamic Ulema and the Qur'an mainly And the Sunnah And the statements of the Imams of the Salaf They replace that with these things Does it really solve your problem? No it doesn't Another thing I realized is culture People replace the deen with culture That's a good point So culture becomes bigger than the Qur'an and the Sunnah Now if there's There's nothing wrong with culture to be honest Sometimes actually culture helps In many situations you find Culture helps When somebody doesn't have a culture it's hard to really get through to How to solve the problem sometimes But if the problem is when Culture becomes The leading factor And the Qur'an and Sunnah is seen as a Secondary Source Now this becomes a problem because this goes against the ayahs That Allah mentioned Arabic Those verses They mentioned that The believer is one who goes back to the Qur'an and the Sunnah For such solutions So those points Is where I find The issue with many people So true They don't want to go to the Qur'an and the Sunnah They're not looking at the Qur'an and the Sunnah as their solution My sister she has a problem with her husband She goes to a blog And she reads For example In that blog she reads things that she Sees who are these people They're unknown to you Are they trustworthy, are they lying, are they making it up Are they specialists Is this even their field of expertise No, she reads it, the wife reads these things And she goes to the husband and she says Hey listen, you lack these qualities You don't have these things But she thinks this is what the problem is It's actually not what the problem is The problem is something deeper than this And it goes back to what you were saying Something very profound you said Which actually makes a lot of sense right now What you said is that most people Who advise you and give you advice They actually have a hidden agenda Most of these people have these businesses or blogs It's just a way for them to make money And you're just another customer to them They don't care about your problems They just want to make money through it Also The way that things are being done In the most Online Coming back to your point Is that People going separate ways Is a fine It's no issue, it's fine This concept where if the husband divorces his wife Or the wife leaves the husband It's a fine It's a good thing And that's something we should see It's a bit heavy, no It's not a joke As much as we can try to keep these two people together And we can solve their problem And we can reconcile between their issues As much as we can We should try that We should work towards that Does that make sense? And not push the two people out of On different tracks And you go this direction and leave each other alone If you look at the western mindset It's women, be independent Forget him, he's wasting your time Leave him The man it's like, yeah trust me there's many fishes in the sea Don't waste your time with this one She's a broken record Many fishes in the sea And then these are drilled into both parties So The boy Spends a few months With the girl, can't get along with her Just tosses her to the side Or she does the same She's like, you know what, this is just too long He's consuming my mind, I don't want it Last point I want to mention Is that A lot of people repented They were upon a path when they were young Disobedience of Allah And they repented from that From the mistakes That they were upon was boyfriend and girlfriend Relationship Boyfriend and girlfriend relationship The problem it brings is that the person easily replaces Their partner Yeah People don't actually see, they see you To be, oh this is my first wife I've ever been married to, but bro you've been with 20, 15 30 sisters before that Does that make sense? So you Easily It's easy for you to just And get a new one You don't settle with it Because you haven't cleansed A previous outstanding problem It's something deeply rooted So these are things, subhanAllah That I pondered over, I thought about I've noted down InshaAllah InshaAllah Mention the qualities of a righteous wife And then mention after that The quality of a righteous husband We'll make everything clear inshaAllah That's my mukaddi So I think that's very helpful because we've spoken generally About marriage, and now I think we can go into A bit more detail about a righteous wife And like you said in another episode we can go Into a bit more detail about a righteous husband Do you want to do that in another video? I'm coming about 5 minutes away from the destination Or do you want to start with the first point of the righteous wife I don't want to do it, it's up to you Okay let's start with the first point of a righteous wife And then inshaAllah I think we'll have to do another Journey where we can continue So the first quality of a righteous wife Let's take it from surah an-Nisa Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala He mentions فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتُ حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَافِظَ اللَّهُ Allah mentions here فَالصَّالِحَاتُ Because we were talking about the word salih, where do you take it from If I want to be guided, if I want to find Salah, righteousness, piety Where do I get it from? And we mentioned it's from the Quran Sunnah So now the Quran is telling us what makes What constitutes a righteous wife Yeah What makes a woman a righteous wife Is when she has two qualities The first one is her relationship with Allah Her relationship with who? Allah With Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala How she is with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala The ayah mentions قَانِتَاتُ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتُ What does قَانِتَاتُ mean? It means a woman who obeys Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala She obeys Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, she worships Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala She save gods, the boundaries of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala There's a hadith that Summarizes the word قَانِتَاتُ It's a hadith of Imam Ibn Hibban narrated in his sahih Hadith of Abu Hurairah The Prophet ﷺ he said إِذَا صَلَّتِ إِذَا صَلَّتِ الْمَرْءَةُ خَمْسَهَا If the woman prays her five daily prayers وَصَامَتْ شَهَرَهَا And she fasts the month of Ramadan وَحَفِظَتْ فَرْجَهَا And she protects her private parts وَأَطَاعَتْ And she obeys her husband دَخَلَتْ That woman will enter That woman will enter دَخَلَتْ مِنْ أَيِّ أَبْوَابِ الْجَنَّةِ شَاتِ She will enter from whichever doors of Jannah she wishes Here this hadith mentions two things I'm trying to mention which is حَفِظَتْ لِلْغَيْبِ مِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهِ as well Two things غَانِتَتْ She prays five daily prayers صَلَّتْ خَمْسَهَا وَصَامَتْ شَهَرَهَا And she fasts the month of Ramadan وَحَفِظَتْ فَرْجَهَا And she protects her private part Those are three that define for us غَانِتَتْ The last one which is The last part of the ayah which is فَصَلِحَتْ غَانِتَتْ حَافِظَتْ لِلْغَيْبِ مِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهِ حَفِظَتْ فَرْجَهَا وَأَطَاعَتْ بَعْلَهَا She protects her private part of her husband She doesn't cheat She doesn't deceive him in that regard وَأَطَاعَتْ بَعْلَهَا And she obeys her husband She listens He tells her to do something She doesn't argue with him She doesn't back-chat him She does as he requests for her to do She respects him greatly She takes on board what he tells her to do وَأَطَاعَتْ بَعْلَهَا This woman's reward is what? She will enter from whichever door of Jannah she wishes Jannah has eight doors Eight of those doors in Jannah She will enter from whichever of those she wants She chooses Which door do you want to enter from? This door? Or that door? Or that door? Because what she's done is she's fulfilled the purpose she's in this world for She fulfilled the right of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala And she fulfilled the right of the closest person to her Her spouse She made him happy That's the wife you're looking for A woman who has forsaken the right of her creator She's forsaken the right of her creator Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala Wallahi don't ever think to yourself She's going to fulfill your right Can we continue this point? I know it's a very important point Can we continue in the next journey inshaAllah Is that ok? We'll pick up from here inshaAllah Ok we're back in the car and I think where we left it You were talking about the four things that a righteous woman does and it allows her to enter Jannah from any gate There's a hadith I want to touch on that also expands on that point There's a hadith al-Imam Abu Dawood narrated in his sunan Hadith al-Ukhba ibn Aamir That the Prophet ﷺ he said that the best woman khayrun nisa the best of women is aysaruhun na mu'na The woman who for her husband to take care of her financially is very easy She isn't a burden She's simple, she's easy to maintain and take care of her is good Now that doesn't mean and I'm not in no way shape or form saying that a woman should go cheap What I'm saying is that don't be extravagant Eat, drink, but don't go overboard Some women are very complicated, slightly hard They overdo things when they know that her husband's budget is not able to cover that and there isn't much need for it She wants to dig deep into his pocket and take from him.
The truth of the matter is you're hurting your husband, you're hurting your spouse, which you shouldn't, to be honest. This, in turn, will build pressure on the marriage, especially if you have kids, which will, of course, add pressure on the kids as well. I think it goes back to a concept you mentioned earlier: culture is not necessarily a bad thing, especially when it doesn't contradict the Sunnah. It's not a bad thing, but sometimes it does contradict it. For example, certain cultures have very extravagant weddings, and they expect a big dowry. All of this kind of stuff is involved in this aspect as well.
The wedding of Ukhbatul Amr is mentioned, where the best of women are described in one narration. Another narration says: خير النكاح ("The best of marriage") is يَعَنِي أَيْسَرُهُنَّ ("the one that is the easiest"). As a Muslim, if you're لَيِّنٌ سَهْلٌ ("gentle and easy-going"), you're not complicated. It's actually a quality of Iman (faith), a sign of your Iman, a sign of your righteousness, and your obedience to Allah Ta'ala. Because you don’t value this dunya (worldly life) as the ultimate goal, you don’t live for this. You live for the Akhira (Hereafter). You understand that the dunya is a necessity to help you get closer to Allah, but you don’t overdo it. You don’t stress yourself by living for this world. Of course, you don’t want to put yourself in a difficult situation to live in this dunya, but you also don’t overdo it.
Our religion encourages simplicity in many aspects. For example, when buying and selling, it's best to be relaxed and calm during transactions, right?
Now, another characteristic I think a righteous woman should have is Al-Hadharu Minash Shaitaan ("caution regarding Shaytaan"). This is very important because the shayateen (evil forces) are not just those we can't see; the shayateen also include human beings. Allah mentions in the Qur'an that there are shayateen who are jinn (spirits) and there are shayateen who are from mankind (ins). If you want your marriage to prosper, you need to be careful of these two types of shayateen.
In the Hadith narrated by Abu Huraira, the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) told us that Shaytaan sends out his army. Shaytaan assigns roles to his troops, sending delegations and making sure they fulfill their duties. Shaytaan has influence over people's wealth, money, and children. He sends his soldiers—sometimes they are riders, sometimes they are media agents, and they come in different forms. All of these shayateen are working to destroy people's marriages. Shaytaan doesn’t just do this to you; he sends his influence through others.
Say, "May Allah make it easy for you."
How are you even in that marriage? Let me tell you a story that shocked me, wallahi (I swear by Allah). There was an auntie in the last ten days of Ramadan who told me something. I was like, "It's a shahr mubarak" ("It's a blessed month"). It's the last ten days of Ramadan, where every Muslim is striving to get Laylatul Qadr (the Night of Decree). People are exerting efforts, and they’re doing i'tikaf (spiritual retreat) in the masjid (mosque).
Her sister came from back home. When the sister came back, she didn't know how the system works; she didn't understand many things. So, they were meeting her for the first time. A few aunties in the masjid (mosque) were meeting her again. These are not women who are on the streets, partying, and clubbing; these are righteous women meant to be in the masjid. What did they do?
These sisters asked this new sister, whom they had never met in the area or neighborhood, "Who are you? Where are you from?" She replied, "I just came back from this country, and I’m new here."
They asked, "How long have you been here?" She told them how many months she had been here. "And my husband, he works here." "Okay, do you have a house?" She said, "I don’t know, we live in a house." "Is it a council house? How is it?" They asked her questions, and she replied, "I don’t know what a council house is. My husband brought me here, and I don’t know much."
They asked, "What about the children?" She said, "My husband handles everything. He has control of the finances. He takes good care of us. I’m stress-free. He does everything and brings everything home."
She said, "Alhamdulillah" (Praise be to Allah). Then, the sisters said, "Sister, you're entitled to money. The children are entitled to money. The government gives money for the children. Do you get that money?"
She replied, "No, I just told you." One of them said, "Sister, you're not in the real world. You don’t know what’s happening."
So, what did the sister do? She called her husband and said, "Look, a few times I’ve asked you for money, and you said you don’t have it. But now I know you have money. I know how much the minimum wage is, and the allowance for the children is this much. By calculating, you’ve got a lot of money."
Now, was the brother’s action right or wrong? That’s not my point. The point is: Is she entitled to ask her husband? That's not the issue either. The issue here is the fitna (temptation or trial) that these women brought into the household.
When the sister first answered the question, she said, "Alhamdulillah, I’m stress-free," and according to her, she had a happy marriage. Nothing had changed in her marriage, but guess what happens next? It gets worse. This is what shocked me. The brother got very angry and asked, "Who did you talk to?" She said, "I talked to some sisters." He then said, "Sister, you’re divorced." He ended the marriage there and then.
He told her, "It’s over between you and me. The process for your British citizenship and everything—it's in the process. I’m just going to reverse it now. You can go back where you came from."
I'm not judging who’s right or wrong, but what I am saying is that the fitna (temptation) that these women brought into this household is significant. And this is not only restricted to women. I need to be fair and go to the men as well. A sister and her husband could have a nice relationship. They love one another, care for one another, and he doesn’t do much in his life without talking to his wife about it.
He'll say, "Honey, I’m coming. I’m going to be a bit late." He talks to his wife about everything. Someone might joke and say, "He’s whipped." But in reality, this is a good relationship. The husband and wife are in harmony.
However, if someone comes along and says, "What are you doing? My friends don’t need to tell their wives anything," then shaytaan (Satan) enters the marriage. Now the husband thinks, "I need to show the brothers that I’m not whipped." This causes tension with his wife, and now he’ll upset her.
This is where the shayateen (evil ones) come in. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, these are shayateen to your marriage. You need to be very, very careful, because they will destroy your relationship. Sometimes, they come in the context of wallahi (I swear by Allah), I'm doing this for you as Shaytan did. What did he do? He swore by Allah, saying, "I am a sincere advisor to both of you." So, he came in that form—a sincere advisor. Sometimes, the people you're speaking to for health consultation or advice may have an ulterior motive. They may see you and your husband at a moment when you're on bad terms, and they benefit by throwing their two cents in, exacerbating the situation, and making it worse than it actually is. The matter could be solved; it has a place where it could be solved from. But they throw more fuel into the fire, and now, to be honest, it's snowballed so much that it's probably hard to undo the damage that's been caused. Why? Because the Qur'an, which we were talking about earlier, is the one that guides to the best of affairs. But you didn't go to it. Instead, you went to people who are shayateen (evil ones), who gave you bad advice—evil advice—that will affect you, your progeny, and your children's children for the rest of your life, or their life.
So, al-hadar min ash-Shaytan (beware of Shaytan). That's why when two partners are married and they want to have sexual intercourse, what does the Shari'ah teach us to say? Bismillah, Allahumma jannibnash-Shaytan, wa jannibish-Shaytan ma razaqtana. (In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep Shaytan away from us, and keep Shaytan away from our offspring from what You have provided us.) That's what you want: to get as far away from Shaytan as possible.
Let me go back to the hadith from Sahih Muslim, where I said Shaytan sends his army. Who is the closest to him? Shaytan loves the one who causes the greatest mischief. Shaytan actually loves the one who causes the greatest fitnah (trials, confusion, or division). So one of his army would come and say, "I did such and such," and Shaytan would say, "You haven’t done anything." Another one would come and say, "I did such and such," and Shaytan would say, "You haven’t done much either." Then another one comes and says, "I have made a man and his wife go separate ways. I’ve caused division between the married couple." Shaytan will say, "Ah, you're the one," and he will bring him close.
What I thought about is that some of the things that the other shayateen (evil ones) claim to have done are sins, but divorce itself is actually not a sin. It's something that is legislated in Shari'ah. So, how is it that this thing, which is allowed, is considered worse than the sins that are not allowed? Divorce is not inherently sinful, so why is it so severe in the eyes of Shaytan? You ask yourself that question. It's because of what comes after it—the backbiting that follows, the tail bearing (spreading mischief about one another), the ghibah (slander) that the man does, the woman does, or both do, about each other to others who are not involved, and who can't help or advise them.
There are six times when ghibah (backbiting) is allowed. The first is when you need to seek help from someone about a person you're dealing with. The second is in the case of tail bearing, when mischief is being spread. Third, people turning their backs on each other, refusing to talk or give each other greetings of peace (salam), and not forgiving one another—things that Shaytan brings into relationships. Sometimes, it can even lead to what?
It can even lead to bloodshed, physical harm, and innocent parties suffering as well. For example, if the husband and wife have children, the children suffer as a result of all of this, and they are innocent in the matter. This happens because of the actions of the father or the mother. That’s what Shaytan (Iblis) loves about it—it's the outcome, what comes from it. That’s what he loves: the destruction that follows.
A righteous wife, the one I speak about here, is very cautious when it comes to Shaytan. She doesn't take her matters to people who are evil, even if that sister appears to be righteous—wearing a niqab and jilbab, attending the masjid, and making dhikr. Shaytan comes in different forms and shapes. Someone might be watching this and thinking that they are interested in getting married, looking for advice on how to have a successful, loving, and happy marriage. And we’re talking about righteousness. You might ask, "What’s the link between righteousness and a happy marriage?"
To find happiness in marriage is connected to righteousness. A righteous person knows when to give their rights and when to ask for theirs. Isn't that what marriage is about—give and take? A husband knows when to give, and when to take. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who just takes and takes, while you give and give without receiving anything in return. This happens to so many people—they become exhausted in their marriages, especially when the sister is giving, but the man isn’t providing for her. He’s not taking care of her in any way, shape, or form. She just keeps giving and giving.
Just the other day, SubhanAllah, I spoke with a sister who is married to a man who doesn’t provide for her, doesn’t give her any money, won’t let her work or have a job, is very vulgar and harsh in his speech, belittles and ridicules her, and controls her every move. She can't do anything. He won’t divorce her if she says she wants to go. He threatens physical harm if she tries to leave. It’s a shocking situation. He just wants to take and take, and doesn’t want to give.
This person, the one you’re dealing with, doesn’t realize that all of this will come to them on the Day of Judgment. Allah will judge them. You could be in a relationship where you’ve lost your job, you don’t have money, and you tell your wife, "I don’t have money right now. I can't provide for you right now. Please be patient with me. Things will get better, and we will live a good life together." That’s fine. In the meantime, you’re asking her to bear with you through the tough time. No one expects you to always be in a perfect situation. The same applies to the husband. If the wife is going through something difficult, like not being able to fulfill her rights at the moment, the husband might say, "I understand. Take your time. Don't worry. We will compromise. Give and take."
There’s no problem with that. We're not saying that every marriage must meet every condition we mentioned, or that the person is evil if these things aren't met. External factors can sometimes prevent a person from fulfilling their rights and responsibilities. However, it’s important to speak well towards the person, Even when their rights aren't being fulfilled. JazakAllah Khair (May Allah reward you with goodness). I appreciate the fact that you're enduring and you're going through hardship with me in this situation. I'm not providing for you, and you're being patient with me. I'm really—Wallahi (By Allah), when I get my job, when I get money, when I make it, I will never forget this day. This day will stick in my mind. It's encouragement. You're saying good words, like in the situation of this brother I'm talking about, and in the situation with this sister. Your heart pours out for the sister who doesn't even want to consider taking care of her financially or even providing for her. She's got kids, and he again threatens her. Now, even though she's willing to do khula (divorce initiated by the wife), she's scared that once she does the khula, he's going to go crazy, and he might do something to her, so she has to get a restraining order on him.
The second thing I'd say in answer to that question about what connection there is between righteousness and a happy marriage: ultimately, the happiness in a marriage comes from Allah. Like we said at the start, the marriage is not just a linear equation or a linear relationship between husband and wife. Husband and wife have their relationship with each other, and they both have individual relationships with Allah. If they correct their relationship with Allah, then generally, from what I've seen and from speaking to other people, the marriage is generally happy. This makes sense because Allah is the one who set this framework for you. But Shaytan (Satan) is trying to take this away from you. If you obey Allah, then Allah is going to reward you, and you're going to be following the framework He set out for a happy marriage. At the same time, you're going to be warding off Shaytan, just like you said. Generally, your relationship with Allah, once you correct that, your relationship with the people—not just your wife or your husband, but with people in general—is a lot better. It's true. It's true.
And Imam Nisa'i (may Allah have mercy on him) narrated in his Sunan (collection of Hadith) that the Prophet ﷺ was asked, "What's the best woman?" It’s a good question. The Prophet ﷺ was asked, "What is the best woman?"
The Prophet ﷺ mentions that she is the one who makes him happy when he looks at her. As soon as he lays his eyes on her, he's happy. In other words, she dresses herself and makes herself look good for him. She wants his eyes to see something amazing. You don't want to be a sister who doesn't care about how you look. By the way, there is a difference between beauty and hygiene. Every human being, regardless, has to maintain hygiene and be clean. Don't use the excuse, "I gave birth to this child or that child." That's not an excuse to neglect hygiene. It's also not an excuse for a man to say, "I came from work." Hygiene is a must. Go into the shower, clean yourself. These are simple things, but they need to be said.
Abdullah ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) mentions that he says, "I love to beautify myself." What I mean is beauty is different from hygiene. Hygiene is a must, beauty is an additional thing. For example, cutting your nails, that's hygiene. Plucking your armpits, that's hygiene. Shaving downstairs, that's hygiene. Nails—all of these are hygiene. Showering is hygiene. Making yourself look beautiful is extra. It's things like the perfume that you apply, the clothing that you wear, combing your hair, extra things like oiling yourself—things like that to make this person attracted to you and to find you pleasing.
That's the wife's responsibility we're focusing on right now. She needs to come with this as soon as he sees her, when he comes home from work. Allahumma barik (May Allah bless her), this is my wife. I'm back home. Especially with the fitna (temptations) outside, that the man comes into contact with. When he comes home, he needs to find a wife who’s willing to make him feel that there's nothing out there like her.
We live in a world that is so opposite in the sense that I know a lot of people criticize Islam for this—I'm talking about the non-Muslims. They ask, "How oppressive are your women? They have to go out veiled." We live in a world that even if you just think about it logically, what makes more sense? You're married to a man. Does it make more sense to dress up for him, or to dress up for people you're not married to? Or, as many non-Muslims do, they dress up for men outside of the house, and inside the house, they wear pajamas and the lowest of clothes. They won’t care about their hygiene.
Just on a logical basis, regardless of what Islam says, how has the world flipped? It just doesn’t make sense to me, and the impact it has on the man. Now, obviously, all these women are coming out of their houses dressed up, and he wants to go back home and see his wife dressed up for him—exactly—and looking beautiful so he’s not tempted by the fitna outside.
Exactly. So we have a problem here right now where sisters may not give importance to that at certain stages in their life. They just feel like, "I don't want to take care of that," or, "I don't care." Sorry, that's not something you should do. My sister, put effort into making yourself look good. Don’t do it just for him—do it for yourself as well. Give yourself that time to look good, to work on yourself. It's important. Also, do it for him—your husband. You love him, you want to please him, you want to make him feel happy. Do it for him as well, and you get closer to Allah by doing this. You get rewarded for this.
Many sisters would love doing this before they’re married; they want to get dressed up. You can do this with rewards, but Shaytan (Satan) sometimes gets to you, and something that’s rewardable, and suddenly now it’s something that you used to do and used to enjoy, it feels like, "No, I don't want to do it anymore."
A lot of the time, Shahid (witness), if you think about it, what even makes you happy is the effort that the wife is putting in. Even if there aren't changes you're necessarily seeing, it’s just the fact that she’s going out of her way and doing this for us, for our marriage. It’s remarkable. It’s something that attracts you to that person.
The second thing that the hadith mentions is وَتُطِعُهُ شَيْئَ بَيْسًا (and she obeys him in something that is not wrong). If he commands her to do something, if he looks at her, she's pleasing to him. If he tells her to do something, she doesn't say, "No, no, no, I don't want to do it." You see, in every single situation, whether we like it or not, there has to be someone in charge. There has to be someone in charge; otherwise, there will be chaos. This country right now has someone in charge, the organization that we work for or are with. If someone is not in charge, if you're not in charge and you're not running everything, everyone will throw in their commands, and chaos will come from it. There has to be an ameer (leader). The same applies to the household. Why is it different? How can they both be leaders?
However, a wise leader, a wise leader will always do mushawarah (consultation). That's a quality he has; he consults. He doesn’t just do things on his own; he loves contribution, but the final say is in his hand. He’ll sit the wife down and say, "Look, this is the situation we have. What do you think we need to do? How do you think we should go about it?" She brings her ideas in, he listens, and counters it by saying, "What about that? Have you looked at it from this perspective? Have you looked at it from this perspective?" He mentions all of those and finally says, "JazakAllah Khair" (May Allah reward you) and acknowledges her contribution. He then either follows her suggestion if he realizes that his own wasn’t as good as hers, or he sticks to his own belief that his suggestion is the best and he does it. And that doesn't make him a weak man. That doesn't take away from the man. Rather, the greatest man, the Prophet ﷺ, did that.
This reminds me of the hadith where the Prophet ﷺ wanted the companions to do something, and one of his wives advised him. If you do it, they’ll follow. When the Prophet ﷺ came back from the treaty of Hudaybiyyah, the Sahabah were in a state of ihram (a state of ritual purity), and they were trying to go to the Ka'bah to perform Umrah. Quraysh prevented them from doing so. Quraysh sent two representatives. The first one was Urwah ibn Mas'ud al-Thaqafi, and Urwah couldn’t get to a conclusion with the Prophet ﷺ, so he went back. Then, the second person that Quraysh sent to settle this issue with the Prophet ﷺ was Suhail ibn Amr—the father of Abu Jandal.
Suhail ibn Amr, who later became a companion, settled the conditions with the Prophet ﷺ. The first condition was that they would have to return to Medina. There would be no Mecca or Umrah for them. They were to go back. The second condition was among others that they agreed upon, which is well-known, and the hadith is well-documented, etc. But in this situation, the Sahabah were in a state of ihram, so what did they have to do? The Prophet ﷺ commanded them, "Shave off your hair."
Now, the Sahabah were angry and saddened because they didn’t want to accept humiliation by being told that they couldn’t go to the Ka'bah because the disbelievers told them so. That’s why Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) was very angry and said, "فَيَعَنِي أَلَسْنَا عَلَى الْحَقِّ وَعَدُولَ عَلَى الْبَاطِلِ" (Are we not upon the truth and our enemies upon falsehood?). The Prophet ﷺ then told him, "I am a Prophet of Allah, and Allah instructs me what to do." There was that rage and anger, but the Prophet ﷺ told them they would have to shave, and the Sahabah were very reluctant to do so. They held back, and he became frustrated.
He entered his house saddened, and then Umm Salama (may Allah be pleased with her) said, "How about you cut your hair first?" A wise lady. The Prophet ﷺ followed that instruction, went, and shaved his hair ﷺ. The people all did it. He didn’t dismiss her suggestion by saying, "What do you know? You don’t understand these affairs. You’re just a woman." He didn’t dismiss it. He took it on board and even implemented it. It didn’t make him less of a man.
That’s why some husbands, some men, might have a pride issue. They think, "If I listen to my wife, she’s always going to..." And also, there’s a part on the sister's side here as well. We’re talking about a cultured and righteous wife. It’s not like you always hold it against the husband saying, "I told you that one time, and you listened to me, look how it worked out. Why don’t you always listen to me?" There is a part that both parties have to play. But from the husband's side, and I’m sure we’re going to talk about this more in the next episode, insha'Allah (if Allah wills), from the husband’s side, it doesn’t make you less of a man if you listen to your wife. Ultimately, the final decision is in your hands. Yes, the final decision is in the man’s hand, and he’s the one who says. But the wise man, as I said, will not just do things without consulting his wife. He’ll bring her in and say, "Look, what do you think? How do you think we should do it?" Especially when the matter is going to affect her as well—it’s going to affect her and the children, he won't just do it; he'll say, "What do you think? How do you think we should do this?" Sometimes he would take the opposite view, even if he agrees with her, but just to get the issue sifted through, this issue, all the options that are on the table: "What about this? What about this? What about this?" And then says, "Okay, I think you know your decision was good, and let's go for it," or "I still hold onto the opinion that we shouldn't do this, and I'm going to stick to mine, but what you mentioned, it was a good contribution towards it."
The sister shouldn't be like, "Oh, you wasted my time, two hours you were talking to me, and you didn't listen to me." That's not how it works, because someone has to give the final verdict, and that final verdict doesn't come from the woman; it comes from the man. That's how the Sharia instructed it. So, this is what the hadith says.
The second quality is that she listens to her husband; she does exactly what he tells her to do. Sorry, before you move on to the third quality, I think we need to unpackage this a little bit more because we mentioned at the start the importance of taking the Quran and Sunnah, not from western liberalism or western feminism or these kinds of sources. A lot of people have an issue with this: "I have to obey my husband," but I think it's worth mentioning that this obedience to your husband is not because you're a slave to your husband. It's because you're a slave to Allah, and Allah is the one who has commanded you to obey your husband.
That's true, that's true. And again, as I said to you before, a wise man, a good man doesn't abuse his authority, and he's going to be held accountable for that.
Exactly, he will. He'll be held accountable if he abuses it. He's gentle; he doesn't burden her with what she can't do. He observes the situation and the context of things. He understands that her emotions can get involved in matters, and he deeply looks into matters.
The third one is: وَلَا تُخَالِفُهُ فِي نَفْسِهَا وَمَالِهَا (And she doesn't oppose him in herself or in her wealth). She doesn't oppose him in the wealth, the money that he brings home and he gives to her and he says, "This is the money I've made for the day," or "This is the money I've made for the month." She doesn't disobey him in it. She doesn't go out and do what she wishes with it, using his credit card or his bank card. She doesn't have a credit card but uses his card and swiping and buying things. She asks him, she doesn't oppose him she asks him, What do you think we should do with this money? وَهَا كَذَا (And so on). She consults him in the way she spends that money. She doesn’t oppose her nafs as well. Again, it brings us to the ayah before which is: وَالْحَافِظَاتُ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ مِنْ غَيْبٍ مِمَا حَافِظَ الله (And the obedient, the righteous, who guard their chastity). حافظات means حافظت فرجها (She protects her honor). She does not entertain talking to another man, entertaining another man, or having a relationship with another man while she’s in marriage with her husband. She cuts off all of that, and that's something a man and a woman, of course, both should observe. The wife, she's now married; maybe there were previous husbands that she was considering for marriage, and things didn’t work out. Now that she's in this marriage, all of that is now over. She's in this marriage. If she doesn't like this marriage that she's in and wants to go back to her previous life, she can, but she has to end this marriage first. Then she can go to the other marriages that she feels were the ones for her, not this one. But she can't do it while she's in this one. So, he knows that she's a righteous woman, fearing Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Also, another thing that he really does is these series that people are watching—movies, series, wallahi, they destroy households because they portray things in ways that are really not how things are. You're seeing people watching these aunties watching these Turkish soap operas, or these Bollywood soap operas. It's like, what are you doing? Or Indian series that they're watching about a household. Even in the UK, there’s EastEnders—is that still going on? Probably, it’s been going on for years. But that's more like the kind of marriages you don’t want to have. Bollywood would romanticize dramas, and EastEnders is just drama. All of this stuff, the point is, we mention this a lot of the time in the introduction that we mention all of this—ultimately, it's going to affect your heart. You might not be watching it to influence your marriage; you might just be watching it for entertainment, which is still halal because there are still women there, there’s still music, there's still everything. But ultimately, it’s going to seep into not just your marriage; sometimes it’ll go into your belief system. Because now there’s a Bollywood star who’s a Hindu, and you’re like, honestly, I’m so scared of it. I don't think people realize how big a problem it is.
It is, it’s true. And sometimes, the wife will call the husband and say, "Look at this, look at this, make this film." You don’t realize what you're doing to your husband. And sister, that’s true. Even subhanAllah, just so Islam really takes into consideration the way that both parties see one another, this is something many people don’t understand. The Prophet ﷺ told us in a Hadith in Sahih Muslim narrated by Jabi' radiAllahu ta'ala anhuma that the Prophet ﷺ said: "If one of you comes at night into the city, he shouldn't go running to the household. Don’t go running to your house, your wife’s house, at night." But it’s slightly different now. Back then, she wouldn’t know that you’ve come to the city, that you’ve entered, so don’t come running at night to the house. Why? She might not be ready. Things might not be organized for her. She might not be in the right mindset, everything. So, what do you do? Go to the masjid and let her find out from the people of the masjid, who come back—the men that come back from the Salah. They find out what? They find out, "Oh, your husband's here, he’s praying in the masjid." She goes, "Okay, I know he's here." She gets ready, she prepares herself in that regard, or you go to the masjid and you tell a young boy, "Go to that house and tell my wife I’m here." Now we have phone calls, so don’t surprise your wife. I remember there was a case where a brother did that. His wife used to always take care of her appearance and the way she looked for him—always. So, he saw her in a certain lifestyle, and one day he surprised her. It’s a waqa (incident), it’s a situation. He came, and she was not ready, and he saw her in a way that he felt repulsed, which is not how it should be. It’s your wife, and you should be happy with her, but that was the case for him, and that affected him so much. It affected him that there were swears and everything came from it. SubhanAllah, that was when it hit me, this hadith.
Is it possible that someone needs to call his wife, like you must see your wife at a time when she’s not in her best form, just like she sees you when you're not in your best? I used to think the Hadith needed more tadabbur. I need to mainly look at the Hadith more until that case happened to me. I realized that for some people, it affects them. It affects them. Their wife has to look a certain way for them. Things have to be... the household has to be a certain way. Some women, Allahumma barik, they keep that up for 40 years, 30 years of their marriage. They don’t change; they’ve kept that standard up amazingly. The khid is going to come back to him in two ways: in the akhira, it's going to come back to him because it's an act of worship. In the dunya, it’s going to come back to him because the husband is going to be so happy with her. How do you think the husband is going to treat a wife that he's so happy with?
It’s true. Some people might think we’re driving aimlessly, but we’re not. I need your help with directions. Let’s carry on; I’m going to keep going straight. So we’re back in the car, and I think where we left it last time, we were talking about the importance of a wife making sure that she always looks good for her husband. I think we concluded that point, and you were going to move on to another point, insha'Allah.
One of the Hadiths that really impacted me when it comes to this topic really touched me. It’s a Hadith where you rarely find... you actually rarely find it. It’s fair to say that it’s rare. It’s a rare commodity. It’s hard to find. It’s that which the Prophet ﷺ said in the Hadith of Imam al-Tabarani, narrated in his Mu'jam, from the Hadith of Anas ibn Malik. The Prophet ﷺ said to his companions: Should I not tell you about your wives in Jannah? Meaning, the wife that’s going to be in Jannah with you—the kind of wife that Allah will give you as a wife. The Sahabah said, O Messenger of Allah, of course, tell us about these women, tell us about these types of wives that we’re going to have, their characteristics. A woman who believes in Allah and the Day of Judgment, this is the kind of quality she looks for because these are the characteristics of what? The women of Jannah.
The Prophet ﷺ said that the quality of those women is: كُلٌّ وَدُودٌ وَلُودٌ (She is loving and fertile). Every woman who is ودود (loving) and ولود (fertile). إِذَا غَضِبَتْ أَوْ أُسِئَ إِلَيْهَا أَوْ غَضِبَ زَوْجُهَا (When she gets angry, or if wronged, or when her husband is angry with her), the Prophet ﷺ said, she says: "هذه يدي لا أكتحل بغمض عين حتى ترضى" (This is my hand, and I won’t close my eyes until you are pleased with me), or as the Prophet ﷺ said.
The Prophet ﷺ told us her qualities: she’s كُلٌّ وَدُودٌ. ودود comes from the word ودّ—she’s a woman that works to make her husband love her. She takes every avenue, every means, for her husband to love her. She works towards making herself loved by her husband. Nowadays, what is it? Play hard to get. Don’t show him that you love him, don’t show him any mercy. If you want to deal with a man, you don’t do that. It’s a sign of weakness; it shows you as a desperate person. No, no, this is not what she does. This woman, the women in Jannah, are what? ودود—she’s loving to her husband. She makes him love her by working hard, coming with ease. She knows her husband loves.
ولود means she loves to give birth to children. This concept of just having two kids is not enough. This woman says, I want to have as many children as Allah ﷻ will give me, as long as it doesn’t harm my health. The woman wanting to have children for you is actually a sign of love. It’s a sign of what? It’s a sign of love. She wants to increase your progeny.
The other quality that the Prophet ﷺ mentions is: إِذَا غَضِبَتْ (If she becomes angry), أَوْ أُسِئَ إِلَيْهَا (or if the husband wrongs her), أَوْ غَضِبَ زَوْجُهَا (or if her husband is angry with her), look what she does. She doesn’t sleep with the grudge and anger. What she does is: قَالَتْ (she says), هذه يدي (This is my hand). She places her hand in his hand and says, I'm not going to go to sleep, and my eyes are not going to close until you are pleased with me. This is the Hadith of the Prophet ﷺ.
Today, by mentioning this Hadith, right now, I know people who are going to say, No, that's just not me, I'm not going to do that. وللأسف الشديد, because of what the movies have said, what social media has said, what a rapper said here, or an artist said here, or a soap star said over there, or a YouTuber said... These are qualities a mu’min woman has, and she adorns herself with them.
And that’s what Allah mentions in the Quran: وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَاجْعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً (And of His signs is that He created for you from among yourselves spouses that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy). Allah placed between the two of them compassion, love, and mercy towards one another.
The man does so much good for the woman, for example, and all she will say is, لَمْ أَرَمِكَ خَيْرًا (I’ve never seen any good from you whatsoever). The minute she gets angry, she says, You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. You’ve destroyed my life. I wish I never met you. Sweeping arguments. Which is, if she sat down, was fair, and genuine, she would have realized that, actually, he contributed something positive to her life. He did some good things for her in her life, even if it’s not a lot. To say, You’ve never brought any good to my life—you’ve destroyed my life? Even the clock that doesn’t work once a day is right twice a day.
You know, I think one thing we’ve done a lot in this episode—because it’s the kind of topic that requires this—is talk about how the Quran and the Sunnah say one thing, and how the modern world we live in says another thing. I think you mentioned it as well. You just touched on it in the introduction as well, and the three characteristics that you mentioned there, and you predicated them by saying that, actually, these are very rare qualities to find. I totally agree with you. For example, the loving aspect—you actually mentioned the reason why a lot of women nowadays see that as a sign of weakness. Don’t show him any emotion; you might get taken advantage of, even giving birth to many children, for example.
And nowadays, I'm a career woman. I don't want to have many kids; it's going to slow down my career. I want to get to this level, I want to work, and it just shows how the society that we live in—I'm not really just talking about the West. I know a lot of times we tend to bash the West, but sometimes it's a global society, it's a global phenomenon, and we're talking about problems that affect every single person around the world. We have something in the society that we live in that is so polar opposite to the guidance from the Creator, the One who created you. These are the same people who say, "I believe in the Akhira (the Hereafter), I believe in Jannah (Paradise), I believe in Jahannam (Hell). I've not seen it with my own eyes, but I believe in it because it comes in the Qur'an and the Sunnah." Then, when you tell them these things that are coming from the same two sources, it's like, "I don't know, it's hard to accept. I'm not sure it should be like that." It's just an interesting observation I found.
It is true. The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) also said in a hadith, narrated by Imam al-Bayhaqi on the authority of Abi Zaynata Al-Sadafi رضي الله تعالى عنه (may Allah be pleased with him), that the Prophet ﷺ said:
"The best of your women…"
Again, the Prophet ﷺ is mentioning qualities of the best of women. We ask Allah ﷻ (may He be exalted) to bestow upon Muslims today women with these qualities. When you read these hadiths, you’re actually going to realize what type of woman you need to look for, brother, and what type of sister you need to avoid. The Prophet ﷺ said in the hadith:
"The best of your women is:
- الودود (the loving one),
- الولود (the one who gives birth to many children),
- المواتية (the one who is gentle),
- المواسية (the one who provides moral support).**
The best of your women is الودود (the one who works towards making her husband love her). الولود (the one who wants to have children for him). المواتية (the one who is not harsh in her words). المواسية (the one who gives him companionship, providing him with moral support). These are the qualities the Prophet ﷺ mentioned.
Then the Prophet ﷺ mentioned the worst of women:
"The worst of your women are:
- المتبرجة (the ones who are not properly covered),
- المتخليّة (the ones who are arrogant)."**
المتبرجة (the ones who go out and are not properly covered, who avoid wearing the hijab, put makeup on, and show their beauty to men). المتخليّة (the ones who have arrogance and pride; they are full of themselves). These are the worst of women. If you look at these qualities that the Prophet ﷺ mentioned, these are the best of your women and the worst of your women, and you will realize that this is exactly what is being promoted on blogs, forums, movies, etc. The woman is insulting the man, ridiculing him, and speaking in a vulgar manner. There’s no companionship; the question is always, "What is he going to do for me?" "What is he going to bring to my life?" "How is he going to treat me?" That’s what they’re looking for.
This is not the companionship the Prophet ﷺ described. What the Prophet ﷺ described is a mutual relationship where love and respect flow from both sides. And that’s why many marriages come to an end. You just described the qualities that the Prophet ﷺ said the worst women have, and you summed it up correctly. The "independent woman" that society is trying to push fits that bill perfectly, with all of those qualities.
You know what? Marriage is a two-way thing. We’re going to talk about the brothers in the next episode. It’s not just all about the women having to improve these things; it’s obviously a two-way relationship, and we’re going to come to the brothers, inshallah (if Allah wills). And there might be some sisters watching this who do have the righteous path. There are, amongst the right people in the community, good people now, we can’t take away the good from the women, especially when you look at the elder generation. The elder generation, subhanallah (Glory be to Allah), wallah (by Allah), you see amazement in them sometimes when I read these hadiths and I remember our mothers, how they are, subhanallah (Glory be to Allah). The way they stand up for their husbands, the way that they look after and take care of their husbands, the way they are towards them—subhanallah, it amazes you. You can see these hadiths, and we’re there comparing it to our generation now. It’s very little; it’s very small. And I think a lot of people have to realize at home that this actually goes wider than just having the wife with the righteous characteristics and her working on herself. But look at the love it’s going to inevitably bring in a marriage.
For example, imagine a woman putting her hand between her husband's hands and saying, "This is my hand; I'm not going to sleep until you please me." How can any man ever go to sleep displeased with a woman like that? You can totally see the wisdom behind this advice, behind this guidance. The hadith says if she's angry, or if her husband is angry with her, it doesn't matter who's the reason or who's the propagator; she's always willing to bring about peace in the house. She just doesn’t want her husband, in any way, shape, or form, to sleep with something in his heart. A man like that, with that type of wife—as the poet said:
"أحسن إلى الناس تستعبد قلوبهم" Be good to the people, and you will enslave their hearts.
Honestly, you're going to enslave their hearts toward you. When you have a wife like that, and you’re a smart man—not a dim-witted man—that’s the type of wife you have. You become enslaved, تستعبد قلوبهم (you enslave their hearts). The heart of that person, your heart becomes so touched by this person. I was the one who did wrong to you; it was me who was meant to come to you, and you came to me. From that day onwards, I’ll tell you something they said: شعبي رحمه الله (may Allah have mercy on him), he was married to a woman, and he said: "I was married to my wife for 40 years—أربعين سنة (forty years)."
He said, "We never disputed one another in a marriage. Forty years of marriage, we never disputed one another." So they asked him, "How is that? How did that happen? I didn’t marry her, but for forty years, there was no dispute." شعبي said: "The first night when I married her, I sat with her, and I said to her: 'Listen, what is it that you love, and what is it that you don't love?'" She said to him, "What is it that you love, and what is it that you don't love?" He said, "I explained to her, I said to her, 'This is what I don’t like, and this is what I’m not pleased with. These are the things that anger me, and these are the things I like, these are the things I appreciate.' She said, 'Good.'"
He asked her, "What about you?" She said, "This is what I don’t like." He said, "I stayed away from all of that, as she stayed away from all of that." I told her one day, "There was a kind of conflict between us," and he said, "The mistake was on my side because something she told me before, I didn’t follow; I didn’t follow through." And this is something important to have a life. So many people are talking to each other for years before marriage but don’t know what each other wants and doesn’t want. You’re in a relationship, and you don’t even know what your wife is looking for, what she wants. And she doesn’t know what you want. You’ve been talking about other things, laughing, joking, all before that. When you got married, now it became serious, and you don’t even know what each one wants.
And that’s why, subhanallah (Glory be to Allah), the divorce rate goes up. The brothers, he can’t spend a day with this girl anymore because he was living in a fantasy, living in a joke before marriage. Now, there isn’t anything for him to give to the sister. He doesn’t have anything to offer. And the same with the sister—now being a wife has come about, the reality has come, so she’s not ready for it. He was laughing and joking and playing around, so she’s not ready for this responsibility, and that’s why they bounce off from one another. You can’t be with each other.
I think there’s definitely a positive correlation that people will find between the rate of divorce and the rate of people leaving this kind of guidance, really taking guidance from other sources, or even following their own desires, or taking guidance from themselves. We know, obviously, in our organization, the number of emails we get about marital-related issues is probably the number one thing. That’s what people are having problems with nowadays.
And it’s not a coincidence that, in society in general, this idea of pushing this guidance to the side—the guidance from the Qur'an and Sunnah—is prevalent. You ask yourself, subhanAllah (Glory be to Allah), at a time when technology is going up into the air, things are progressing, and the world is advancing, and we're able to communicate with each other better and more effectively, yet we’re unable to communicate with one another. Yeah, I remember—was it Nokia's slogan? "Connecting people," right? Yet now, we should say, “Disconnecting people.” People are less connected now. That’s true. We know less about each other. On top of that, marital problems are so high, they're rampant in the air compared to how it was before.
Another thing, subhanAllah (Glory be to Allah), is going back to the part I mentioned from the hadith: al-Wadood (the loving woman)—the woman who works towards pleasing her husband and making him love her. The thing is, one of the things that women do is beautification, to beautify yourself. This is something I think we need to touch on because it's important. This religion of Islam has built principles for when it comes to these things: to beautify yourself, the beauty, the adornment. In the Sharia, there are three types of beautification:
- Mubah (Permissible): This is allowed; it’s permissible, it’s not haram (forbidden). A woman can do, for example, any makeup that she wants to wear, etc. It’s allowed, it’s Mubah (permissible). She can wear makeup, eyeliner, mascara, and whatever else they mention. You can wear all of that. In the Sharia, it is permissible, it is Mubah, Yajuz (allowed).
- Mustahab (Recommended): The second one is beautification that is Mustahab (recommended in the Sharia). That is, taking care of your nails, cutting your pubic hair, and armpit hair, and for the men, shortening your mustache, etc. This is Mustahab (highly recommended), and a person should do it.
- Haram (Forbidden): The third one is Haram, it is not allowed. And that is the one that a lot of sisters are trying to achieve from it Al-Wadoodah (the loving one), but what they don't know is that they're in a war with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala (Glory be to Him) and their marriage is coming to an end because of that. And that is what the Prophet ﷺ cursed in the hadith. He cursed the women who pluck their eyebrows. The Prophet ﷺ said:
"الْوَاصِلَةُ، الْمُسْتَوْصِلَةُ، النَّامِصَةُ، الْمُتَنَمِّصَةُ" Al-Wasilah, Al-Mustawsilah, Al-Namisah, Al-Mutanamisah (The Prophet ﷺ cursed the woman who does extensions on her hair, puts on wigs, and the one who plucks her eyebrows.)
A lot of women do that today, subhanAllah (Glory be to Allah), they put fake hair on. Also, the woman who plucks her eyebrows, and the man who does it as well—okay, some men do extensions as well.
